Moving in with MIL (but she wants to parent my child)

[randomusername2024]

As title says, we have to move in with MIL for a little while which originally I was fine with. We have a 5 month old reflux and allergy baby who never sleeps so the thought of having more help was actually great. We spend a lot of time at MIL house and she does a lot to help us out with the baby as he never wants to be put down and needs constant entertainment which is draining when you get no sleep every night.

Despite how helpful she’s been, I realised i’ve been ignoring how a lot of her comments make me feel because of the fact she’s so helpful. She tries to parent my child and counters everything I say that is different to how she would have done it. Eg. my baby is breastfed but has some formula here and there and I don’t feel like he needs water as he’s not even 6m yet, I just increase his BF sessions when it’s hot to keep him hydrated. She’s obsessed w giving him some cooled boiled water. Everytime i say oh no i don’t think he needs it she’s like yeah just a bit to keep him hydrated is what you’re meant to do. When i say no guidance says from 6m+ she’s like well we did it from 4.5m+. She then carries on bringing up water every time I see her? Another example is me saying my baby should be going down for a nap soon as he woke up early and has been awake for 2hrs. Her: Well they’re awake for much longer now at this age so he’s fine he doesn’t need a nap anymore. He then fell asleep almost immediately when I gave him his dummy and comforter. She also will use baby talk to counteract my parenting by saying things like ‘Nooo we don’t need a nap do we Tyler?’ ‘I think you need some water. Do you want some water bubba?’ (fake name).

As much as it’s great getting so much physical help and I have leaned on her a lot to help when i’ve been sleep deprived and struggling with my postpartum depression, i’m now like hold on… why are you going against my parenting so hard?

I can cut back on the time i see her for now but if we have to move in with her how on earth am i going to resolve this?! She’s a great Nan but I just need the comments / thinking she’s right and it’s her way or the highway to stop 🥲

Thanks so much

You need to be clearer with her.
Not "I don't think he needs water" but
"We are taking <x yz approach> with Tyler so we won't be giving <water/whatever> before he is <age>" .

If she counters just keep repeating "this is how we have decided to parent. I appreciate you respecting that" .

Does your OH have your back?

I’d rather live in a tent than with my MiL. Are you sure that there really is no other option? Even if it ends up damaging your relationship with her beyond repair? My advice is based on you being fond of your MiL and wanting to stay friends with her.

She also will use baby talk to counteract my parenting by saying things like ‘Nooo we don’t need a nap do we Tyler?’ ‘I think you need some water. Do you want some water bubba?’ (fake name). Big laugh so she doesn’t think you’re being snarky (assuming you care) and a ‘You’re asking the wrong person MiL, Tyler doesn’t get a say yet’.

Maybe it might help to talk to her about the changes in guidance, but ever so subtly. So when she says about having done things a certain way with her kids and them all being fine, ask her about the other changes she’s noticed since hers were babies. Tell her you can agree that there have indeed been many changes. Then ask her how her mother and mother in law found your MiL’s way of doing things compared with the way they did things. She’s either immediately going to get the point you’re very gently making, or she’s going to double down and tell you that she took all of their advice and did what they told her to do. In which case, she leaves you with no option but to tell her that you’re incredibly grateful for everything she’s doing and that you value her input and you will always listen to it. But that doesn’t mean you’ll always go along with it and, as mum, you get the final say.

And if that doesn’t work, then your DH needs to work with you to either get his mum to back off or find alternative accommodation. You could tell him it’s his responsibility to sort his mum out, and you’d be absolutely right; it is. But if you want to maintain a closeness with her, it might be more prudent to use a ‘softly, softly’ approach until she leaves you with no other option.

I wouldn't like that kind of micro managing and questioning of my every decision with my child.

It stresses me just thinking about being in that position.

Younger me would have moved in. Older me wouldn't- knowing the impact it would have on my mental health and how bad it would make me feel about myself.

Then don't move in, find another option.

You're happy for all the help you get from your mother in law, and you've said she helps loads, yet you don't want her to parent your child! then stop taking the child and relying on her so much!

You're giving mixed signals.

She sounds like a kind person who is trying to help but isn't giving you what you want right now. I would ask to sit down with her, tell her, gently how you feel, and that while you're open to her suggestions and massively appreciate the help, you'd feel more comfortable feeling like your decisions were being listened to. Explain that there has been a lot of new research and NHS guidelines since she was a mum and even though there is no harm in what she's suggesting, you're more comfortable following current guidance. I've had to have a similar conversation with my (amazing) mum since having babies and it really helped. She even admitted over a glass of wine that she and her other friends who are grandmothers complain to each other about some of the 'new things' (they seem to really hate the mess of baby led weaning) but recognise that they're not the mums and have to support their DD/DILs.

Moving in will be intense, if you have to do it, have all the adults in the house sit down and have a conversation setting out boundaries, jobs, routines etc.

In reality free help us very rarely free.

You're not paying in £ but in having to hear her suggestions repeated to you.

The choice is your whether or not that's a price you can pay.

Don't move in.
I also had a great relationship with my mil before we had kids. She suddenly turned overbearing and controlling overnight, trying to parent my children.
When I finally realised too, we had an open chat and she apologised for lots of it and while much better, she still can't help herself sometimes.
I've accepted our relationship has changed and we now just need a bit more distance. I also pull her up on her comments now immediately.

I really wouldn't move in unless she can start to respect your boundaries.
No your 5 month old does not need water (or formula unless this is your choice of course), you breastfeeding more is right move.

I get it , my PIL were obsessed with the water thing too, they had bottle fed babies in the 80s when giving water was a thing but no matter how many times SIL (who was also BF) and myself told them the current guidelines are no water for BF babies it didn't register. Also they were obsessed with wind when neither of my babies had a problem with wind.

The difference between them and my parents were my mum would be like "we used to do this" and if I said well now the advice is not to she would take it on board rather than assume she knows best because she had babies 30 years ago!

Breastfed babies absolutely don't need water before 6 months (even after that not essential), babies in hot countries don't get water and don't get dehydrated!

MIL's comments don't sound like she's trying to be mean though just helpful but obviously annoying and undermining you as a mum. But if there is no option other than to live with MIL you're going to either tell her that her comments are upsetting or learn to take a deep breath and let them go in one ear and out the other while you're counting down the days until you can leave.
You don't want to ruin your relationship because it sounds like she'll be a great help to you with babysitting when DC is older and help like that is really worth having

You're already relying heavily on her and you're not even living there. It sounds annoying but if you set too harsh ground rules etc you run the risk of sounding rude.

If you otherwise get on fine, I'd try and just tune the comments out.
It's coming from a kind place. Plus experience (although newer guidance is usually science based and should be followed). Sometimes the things we get very focussed on as new Mums aren't actually terribly important in the long term.
She loves your baby very much and wants to help - I think negotiating the boundaries of this between DIL and MIL is much harder than with your own Mum.
Like the water. You could say 'i'll feed him first and then offer water' chances are baby won't want any.
Ignore the baby talk (or do it back...)

You should avoid living with MIL at any cost. You won’t be able to escape her “advice” and I think you’ll end up falling out.

I think that you should reconsider the amount of help that you get from her too because she’s clearly mistaking you enjoying the support as you needing help which in her mind, is advice on what to do.

Does she talk to her son like he’s a young child too? I bet he’s so conditioned by it that you allow her to do the same with you too. She may not mean it badly but I have a mum who does that too and it’s enraging.

Establish boundaries now. Don’t ever give her an inch, she’ll take a mile.

It’s important that she knows you are the parent and what you say goes, and if she can’t respect that - and that includes not talking through your baby - she doesn’t get to be alone with them.

My MIL was not quite like this but I do recognise this - mine was less helpful but she was here for 2 months after DC1 was born, mostly staying with us. My three tips:
1 Pick your battles - he's almost 6 months so the water is less of an issue. Naps on the other hand, are. So figure out what really matters and prioritise those.
2 Sometimes, you do have to shut her down firmly. I used the "We're going to have to agree to disagree on that one MIL, but this is my baby and I'm going based on what advice is current and is best for me and him" a couple of times. It didn't go down super well, but the few times I used it, it worked.
3 Your DH MUST be on board. The single biggest factor in me coping over those two months was this. Starting on day 1, when she'd only been at our house for all of about 45 minutes, meeting DS for the first time. DS was tired (she'd woken him up - I didn't mind, she was excited to meet him) and wanted a bottle and to go back to sleep. She said, "oh no, he's fine, he can just cry for a little and I will hold him." I just got up to make up the bottle but DH stayed in the room and I overheard him say to her, "Mum, if Fraser thinks DS needs a bottle, she'll give him a bottle. She's his mum and she knows what he needs."

If you absolutely have to move in stop telling her about what your baby needs in advance. Just do it. Baby needs a nap?. Pick up the baby and say to the room right then me for your nap and walk off to put your baby to nap. If she starts a comment just say oh il be back soon when baby's down. If she starts about water just say we don't give him that and repeat. Your starting the conversations but actually you just need to make a fact statement.

people tend to believe their own parenting choices are the best and will take offence at different choices. It’s what’s happening with your MIL and the posters on here who are agreeing with her. Your baby, your choice as long as you aren’t causing harm! Especially as you are the one following guidelines based on the most up to date evidence

Even at 6 months it's only sips with meals, actual drinks of water are only supposed to be 1yr plus

Hi OP, haven't RTFT but I have a very oversteppy MIL and we did live with her for a while between rentals (thankfully pre-kids!)

So here's what I'd do in your shoes:
TRY the grown up chat first, before making firm plans/decision about the moving in. Begin with thanking her - you ARE lucky to have had her help, many grandparents are hands-off or don't live to see their grandkids, to have physical help when you are crazy sleep deprived IS a godsend. Acknowledge this and thank her sincerely - maybe even buy her a small gift or frame a nice pic of her with your DC, to show you appreciate her.

Then state your boundary - I'd come at it from the POV that you've had PND, you're finding your confidence and experiencing her questioning your decisions as undermining - even though you know she doesn't mean it that way. For your mental health you need her to try not to second-guess your decisions for the baby. It's really important to you.

Then say that you're not sure how moving in with her would work - will she feel uncomfortable maybe with you being "the mum" in her house? If she would then possibly it's not the best idea? Explain that you value your relationship with her, plus obviously your DC and DHs rels with her, and you don't want the living situation - which is so kind of her to offer - to end up causing issues.

Then maybe give her some time to think about how she feels before you all make a decision? So that she can say "I'm sure this is what I want and will be fine" and then if it all blows up at least there was strong agreement - no one went into it feeling their arms were being twisted.

Wish you all the best however it goes - you sound like you're a great mum

I'd have an honest chat with her and say it upsets you when she disagrees with your parenting choices. Tell her how much you appreciate her and what a great nan she is but ask her straight out not to bring up with water again as that is a decision you and your husband have made. Acknowledge that she would do things differently and did things differently with her babies, but remind her you need to find your own way.

I absolutely agree. You can't have everything your own way in this world. You can't ask your MIL for help, support and even a roof over your head but then tell her to keep her mouth firmly shut!

There's got to be some give and take and compromise. Her ideas are from a different generation but she means no harm, in fact quite the opposite. The examples you have given are also pretty insignificant.

I suggest you bite the financial bullet, stand on your own two feet, stop accepting any help from her and definitely don't move in with her. That way you can do exactly as you like and have nothing to complain about.

I suggest you bite the financial bullet, stand on your own two feet, stop accepting any help from her and definitely don't move in with her. That way you can do exactly as you like and have nothing to complain about.

This, exactly. I’ve read so many posts on here from people expecting their parents/in laws to open their homes to them and support them financially for significant periods of time, but to have only the precise level of involvement in their lives that the OP decrees (usually paying the bills, doing childcare and babysitting, but not making any sort of comment about anything!).

Live in your own house then you can make whatever rules you want. If you need to be financially supported by another person, then your choices are going to be limited!

She sounds to me like a fab caring mother in law. Why don't you cut her some slack. She really is just trying to help. Oddly I suggested both of these things, water and jumperoo to my daughter in law a few years back and both of them were immediately rejected. And undoubtedly only to put me in my place, not for any actual valid reasons. A little water can only help on hot days and what harm can come from a few minutes at a time in the jumper ?? Not long periods but a few minutes distraction for the baby or respite for you..... you sound like you're just looking for excuses to bitch about a woman you admit is a loving caring MIL... not every suggestion made by mothers in law is coming from a place of interference ... just accept the help and advice being offered as support and love rather than deliberately choose to reject it out of hand. And thank your lucky stars you have her !!!!

Having 4 under 4 I've come to realise it really does take a village to raise a child. Women have become so isolated in their experience of motherhood in western culture, keen to follow guidelines which change every few years anyway in the absence of lived matriarchal experience and support. I tend to suck up some of minor annoyances around advice giving etc as long as it doesn't go wildly against my values or beliefs or pose a risk etc. it's worth it not to feel alone and the benefit children get from relationships with other adult carers is so important (assuming they are healthy obviously). These issues sound fairly minor and I would say fall into this category. I know a lot of people will say 'your child your rules' but I feel like that's a bit of a weird over the top socio-cultural position that isn't very helpful when what you really need is support from other women who are just trying to help. If you feel strongly about a guideline then direct someone to the relevant literature but otherwise subtly change the subject and see it for what it is, a woman trying to help another woman manage motherhood

@user1465311113 Water just isn’t necessary for breastfed babies, and the jumperoo is harmful for them because it affects their hip development.

I wouldn’t be thanking my lucky stars. I would be keeping my distance. She is overbearing and it isn’t her place.

Good god, if you think that's overbearing you really need to take a good hard look at yourself. It is nothing more than a woman who has experience and loves her family offering small pieces of advice... no need to take the advice... no need to take offence at the advice... take it for what it is. If that's the worst this woman does then yes op should be THANKING HER LUCKY STARS FOR THE HELP AND LOVE !!!!!!!

This was my thinking...
I introduced my son to cool boiled water at about 3months old...

He loves water now...

my nephews didnt get cool boiled water and they hate water wont drink it on its own....

And 6month old now needs a nap as he's been awake for 2hours seriously.

Dummies are get out of jail free card...
Children don't need dummies they don't even know what they are until people force them to take one