Moving in with MIL (but she wants to parent my child)

[randomusername2024]

As title says, we have to move in with MIL for a little while which originally I was fine with. We have a 5 month old reflux and allergy baby who never sleeps so the thought of having more help was actually great. We spend a lot of time at MIL house and she does a lot to help us out with the baby as he never wants to be put down and needs constant entertainment which is draining when you get no sleep every night.

Despite how helpful she’s been, I realised i’ve been ignoring how a lot of her comments make me feel because of the fact she’s so helpful. She tries to parent my child and counters everything I say that is different to how she would have done it. Eg. my baby is breastfed but has some formula here and there and I don’t feel like he needs water as he’s not even 6m yet, I just increase his BF sessions when it’s hot to keep him hydrated. She’s obsessed w giving him some cooled boiled water. Everytime i say oh no i don’t think he needs it she’s like yeah just a bit to keep him hydrated is what you’re meant to do. When i say no guidance says from 6m+ she’s like well we did it from 4.5m+. She then carries on bringing up water every time I see her? Another example is me saying my baby should be going down for a nap soon as he woke up early and has been awake for 2hrs. Her: Well they’re awake for much longer now at this age so he’s fine he doesn’t need a nap anymore. He then fell asleep almost immediately when I gave him his dummy and comforter. She also will use baby talk to counteract my parenting by saying things like ‘Nooo we don’t need a nap do we Tyler?’ ‘I think you need some water. Do you want some water bubba?’ (fake name).

As much as it’s great getting so much physical help and I have leaned on her a lot to help when i’ve been sleep deprived and struggling with my postpartum depression, i’m now like hold on… why are you going against my parenting so hard?

I can cut back on the time i see her for now but if we have to move in with her how on earth am i going to resolve this?! She’s a great Nan but I just need the comments / thinking she’s right and it’s her way or the highway to stop 🥲

Thanks so much

i made a conscious decision to not get too close to mil as I knew it would end in disaster (and my mil is a lovely kind lady) but she is opinionated and I would feel you need to physically remove yourself from her presence

don’t move in

make your own life

40 years I was advised to give cooled boiled water to my breast fed baby but when I suggested to my adult DD she could do it she told me the advice had changed. My response was, that's interesting. I did not fucking bring her water to give to her baby! Don't move in.

This is a good lesson this in how to behave and how not to behave as a MIL. My MIL was really good when my babies were little. She gave all the help I needed and only gave (her very good and wise) advice or tips when I asked her. I think she got the balance spot on and I was very happy to stay with her for a while when my first DS was tiny. I hope to be like her when I am a MIL. If you do move in with her, your MIL needs to be asked kindly to back off a bit and let you do things your way as its your child and your business and that's a conversation your DH should have with her well before you move in.

Honestly I'm baffled, you have a MIL who will help to that extent, let you live there with a small crying baby and you are moaning about her wanting to give the baby "water"

She's not feeding him deep fried Mars bars.

You see so obsessed with government or midwife directives on timescale's have you stopped to think her advice is well meaning and won't do the baby any harm at all, why not just say "thank you" and let her give the baby some water?

Maybe stay away don't move in and raise the baby with your partners support and let your MIL work, or retire and live her life and you live yours without her help?

Or maybe realise her helping is beyond valuable and more than most get abducted chill out.

Op it won't just be one thing. It will be constant.
The issue is she isn't respecting you or your postion as mum.

It will become a constant battle, weaning, food, sleep, clothes, baby getting pit out for fresh air, car seats, potty training, blankets vs sleeping bags, screens / tv etc etc.

Ideas have changed, official advice has changed, nobody ever wants to believe what they did with best of intentions is now seen as old fashioned, no longer seen as the best.
It will be a permanent battle.

Do not move into the house together unless you absolutely have too.
What's you plan for moving back out when will you be in a position to have your own place?

You also don't want your friendship to suffer because you don't feel you can invite friends round either.

What about your own family?

Think carefully about what you are doing

You're a grown woman and you need to have a conversation with your MIL. Tell her you're very grateful for all her help but that it's difficult when she undermines your decisions as a mother. Ask her to stop questioning your judgement when it comes to giving water/naps etc. Much better to go into living together with everything out in the open. Don't let resentment build up. Remember that she probably thinks she is being helpful and giving you the benefit of her experience, so it's coming from a good place.

This.
Trust me, it'll only get worse as your baby gets older and it's even worse then when your your child is old enough to understand/talk and she's undermining you all the time.
YADNBU

we have to move in with MIL for a little while

Why, when and for how long?

I don’t know anyone who has done this who it has worked out for-even people who get on brilliantly with their in laws. Couples do it because they want to save money quickly, so are happy for the in laws to cover their
costs but they don’t actually want to fit in with the in law’s house, so they don’t get on.

If the reason you ‘have’ to move in with her is that you want her to financially cover your costs, you have to accept that this is her house/money/rules.

Breastfed babies don't usually need water,but you said in your post that he has formula here and there.So he could/should have water,especially in the heat we have been having.The main issue is obviously you feeling underminded.Could you have a chat with her and explain.You MIL sounds a great help,especially with a fussy baby.It would be a shame to lose out with her,rather then clear things up now

Lovely post, my late MIL was like this too very supportive and caring, adored our DS’ but never tried to be “mum”

Breastfed babies do not need water for hydration.

You need to establish some very clear ground rules.

Have a frank duscussion discussion with her before you move in.

She is trying to be helpful but she doesn't realise she's over stepping.

Just say. You don't want her to take over. Give her an example of the water. Say its old fashioned advice and not what is recommended now. Also thank her for her support

As a follow on from my PP, I don't think it's something that can't be solved, it just needs to work for you and so her interfering needs to be nipped in the bud. It may be that she's just trying to give you the benefit of her experience as someone who has been through it themselves, and is just going a bit over the top inadvertently. If she's a reasonable and well meaning person, a quiet word should sort things out. The relationship between a MIL and a DIL is different from a mother and daughter and I bet she will not want to upset you in anyway at all in case you back away from her.

Hi OP, I can completely relate and sympathise with this.

My MIL is fab but there's quite a lot of 'why don't you try (insert outdated practice here)' and it does wear you down after a while. I'm currently weaning my little guy and she seems to think that he should be on 3 full meals a day and not much milk. She's very confident that everything she says is correct and because this is how her daughter has done things, I find it hard to critic the choices. It would be the same as saying she's done it wrong!

We also now have a jumperoo which I didn't want (to be fair, he loves it) and she wants to give us a baby walker next to help him learn to walk, even though it's not recommended. I go along with what she wants to do in her company because we only see her once a week and I don't want to come across as rigid. But I stayed with her for 4 days a couple of weeks ago, and I found it hard going. I was second guessing myself by the end of it!
Good luck with the move, it will take some careful management☘️

this

why do people not understand that it is the mother’s decision not MILs??? I have a 5 month old and I’m be upset if someone started giving her boiled water against my wishes. We are following nhs guidelines and not giving water just feeding more regularly as breast milk has plenty of water in for hydration.

I guess you’re implying that living with mil will be fine because you get on well otherwise… I’d urge you not to be naive. I adore my mil, she’s lovely but good god we’d clash if forced into each other’s space. Is it really worth wrecking your relationship?

Just tell her advice has changed each time she challenges you

I get both sides here tbh.

It's your baby, and your (and baby's dad's) decision is the only one that counts. Mil needs to respect that. On the other hand, you needed extra support from the sound of it when you had baby, a third pair of hands for baby, and personally under those circumstances I can see why she might think you need a bit of extra support in terms of guidance.

What age needs to understand is that you've found your feet now and don't need as much support. Essentially what you want support with and the support she thinks you need/are offering, is different. I'm not sure it's fair to expect her to muck in, help you when tired etc, do childcare, but then not offer her views on things - especially as she's got a lot more experience.

But surely she knows that parenting trends change, and that it's easy to feel undermined as a new parent, and she should be trying to be mindful of that. In 30 years time we'll probably be weaning at 3m after regimented 4hry milk feeds, and you'll find it hard to buy your tongue.

I agree with everyone else though, moving in sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

She doesn't respect you, it's that simple really. Your baby, your rules, doesn't matter what they are or what any of us think about them, that's irrelevant.

Unfortunately it will get a lot worse if you move in. Everything she says and the way she says it will start to annoy you, and your relationship with her will be tarnished.

If there's any alternatives to moving in I would strongly suggest you explore them.

If you can avoid moving in, please do!

Even if you don't move in, it doesn't matter what the discussions are about, the fact is that you are the baby's mum and what you say goes. It's a hard adjustment for some grandparents and it can be hard to have confidence in your decisions when you are a new mum. It doesn't need to be a big deal, but if she tries to insist on a nap / water, etc. you just have to say 'No / no thanks, he's going to have a nap now / have some milk now, etc.'.

Also, it can be hard for grandparents when guidelines have changed since they had their children. It sometimes makes them feel like you are telling them that they did the wrong thing with their babies (which is kind of what they are doing to you 🙈). Again, keep it light but be firm about what you want to happen (or not happen).

Where is her son in all this?

And why is there no other option? Are you waiting for a house? Saving up?

This.

I've got a baby and a toddler and we have had our fair share of this and yes, it can be annoying. But, your MIL is just trying to help, make sure your baby is healthy and buy things for them. She isnt parenting. You are lucky that baby is so loved by their extended family. No one is going to say the right thing all the time and looking after a baby makes emotions run high. But this woman is doing so much for you she has earned some grace. Just put up with it and politely do whatever you think is right.

Even if you move on fill up your days away from the house... Make it clear you have a schedule with your dc
Start piping up ridiculous things people did Back Then that have changed... Assure her your dc is being raised with current health and safety guidelines... Maybe she would listen more to her ds....

I genuinely wish I knew why women did this. My MIL was the same, and I would’ve loved to have had a closer relationship with her, but her “help” was suffocating. And insulting. So I ended up pulling away.
Using it as a valuable lesson of what not to do if / when I become a MIL.
It’s awkward but you’re just going to have to tell her. “I’m Baby’s mum, this is how we’ve decided to do it, please respect that. I love you and I don’t want to fall out, but I’ve got this. Cup of tea?”