Moving in with MIL (but she wants to parent my child)

[randomusername2024]

As title says, we have to move in with MIL for a little while which originally I was fine with. We have a 5 month old reflux and allergy baby who never sleeps so the thought of having more help was actually great. We spend a lot of time at MIL house and she does a lot to help us out with the baby as he never wants to be put down and needs constant entertainment which is draining when you get no sleep every night.

Despite how helpful she’s been, I realised i’ve been ignoring how a lot of her comments make me feel because of the fact she’s so helpful. She tries to parent my child and counters everything I say that is different to how she would have done it. Eg. my baby is breastfed but has some formula here and there and I don’t feel like he needs water as he’s not even 6m yet, I just increase his BF sessions when it’s hot to keep him hydrated. She’s obsessed w giving him some cooled boiled water. Everytime i say oh no i don’t think he needs it she’s like yeah just a bit to keep him hydrated is what you’re meant to do. When i say no guidance says from 6m+ she’s like well we did it from 4.5m+. She then carries on bringing up water every time I see her? Another example is me saying my baby should be going down for a nap soon as he woke up early and has been awake for 2hrs. Her: Well they’re awake for much longer now at this age so he’s fine he doesn’t need a nap anymore. He then fell asleep almost immediately when I gave him his dummy and comforter. She also will use baby talk to counteract my parenting by saying things like ‘Nooo we don’t need a nap do we Tyler?’ ‘I think you need some water. Do you want some water bubba?’ (fake name).

As much as it’s great getting so much physical help and I have leaned on her a lot to help when i’ve been sleep deprived and struggling with my postpartum depression, i’m now like hold on… why are you going against my parenting so hard?

I can cut back on the time i see her for now but if we have to move in with her how on earth am i going to resolve this?! She’s a great Nan but I just need the comments / thinking she’s right and it’s her way or the highway to stop 🥲

Thanks so much

I dont need to do any research...this was the advice in 1997 when my son was a baby....how can tiny amounts of water be harmful?
As the advice changes constantly i would tend to use my own common sense rather than worry too much about nhs advice.

My mother shares same views on water and sleep as your mil. I don’t live with her, even the odd day trip drives me mad with her views, what was ok 20 or more years ago is not ok now as guidence changes with more research. Don’t feel bad about still to what you’re doing.

if there’s any way of not moving it, I’d avoid at all costs!

It’s was also absolutely ok to smoke many years ago too. Guidelines change as research evolves.

Water intoxication. That’s exactly why you need to do your research 🤦‍♀️

How can you possibly be so arrogant as to think the advice you received 26 years ago would still be current?

Nope, do not give up on jumperoos!
She appears to be one of those people that because my children survived it it's fine...
You are abiding by guidelines that are researched proven and evidence based. She does not know better. It might be exhausting but stand your ground and don't let yourself be pushed around.
Good luck!

They don't need it you just feed more frequently only bottle fed baby's need a small amount of water

Just to note, 1997 was quarter of a century ago. There has been more research, and advice updated since then. It is not a besmirchment of your parenting that you followed the guidelines as they were when your kids were babies. But advice is updated all the time. That's no bad thing.

I fully expect my kids to follow different/ updated guidelines in 20-30 years time when they have kids. I may inwardly go 'Oh, but we were told the opposite!' but accept that times have moved on.

In my own experience it's probably a good thing to give yourself the option to give a tiny amount of water in prolonged heat. My son was hospitalised for a week with a kidney infection in a hot climate due to not drinking enough even though he had fed normally. He was 4 months and I've never forgiven myself. That's just personal experience and anecdotal though and I'm not questioning current advice at all.

Are you? You seem to be under the delusion that advice from 26 years ago is current today

The fact that you won’t even consider otherwise means you aren’t a safe and responsible adult capable of looking after any children.

Breastfed babies don’t need water.

If Mum says no, it's a no. Full stop. No matter what anyone else thinks. Have you dealt with an overtired baby? Why so against routine/mum knows best?

I can sympathise with reflux and allergy baby that doesn't sleep. Water made my LO's reflux worse because of how thin/runny it is. Stick to your guns, Mum. You know best and nobody should say otherwise. You/ partner could have a conversation with MIL now before it gets worse. Good luck.

Someone once said to me that help from family, generally, but particularly with childcare, is often a double edged sword.
And that really echoed. Yes, it’s ‘free’ and (hopefully) good care, from someone devoted to the well-being of your child. BUT the dynamics when there are disagreements and different ways of doing things is the price you pay.
You have to decide if it’s worth it, and to what extent.

Would you feel able to bring up how you feel with her? Or would your partner? How do you think she would respond? Would you rather have her help and put up with this or raise your concerns and risk whatever might come out of that?

OP if you move in with your MIL she’ll be doing you a massive favour. As she seems to really get on your nerves now without you being indebted to her it’s not a good idea.

I am going to be honest I think your babies reflux snd CMPA is the bigger issue here.

My little one has severe reflux caused by CMPA. Screamed continuously all through the night I was drained. If your baby still has such high needs I’d say the reflux isn’t under control.

I was absolutely drained from my high needs baby. It was the most awful time. The day we sorted his allergy he became the most chilled baby.

You MIL is not helping either. DO NOT move in!

Ugh. Mothers in law.

remind her who is momma. Point out her advise is antiquated and they know better now. If it gets really bad throw your husband under the bus by mentioning flaws he attributes to her parenting mistakes. Or just allude to them and say she’s welcome to talk to him!!! ‘You made your parenting mistakes, I’ll make mine’

you know what’s best for your baby! She absolutely does not! Clearly they did need a nap! Yes drs don’t recommend water till in older baby hood because they need to be gaining them calories and your boobs magically know what baby needs! And Brest milk is more hydrating than water!
Just let them roll off. Use hard no’s and fully shut shit down. Sounds like she will pout, but that just sucks.

sorry you have to move in. goodest of luck!!

🤣🤣🤣 love the idea of telling your MIL off for her parenting mistakes in raising your DH.

1. you don’t have to move in find another option because it sounds like everything is bothering you and it will get to the point every little thing will tip you over the edge
2. if you do have to move in then you have to engage in an adult conversation where you are firm in your boundaries whilst not making it an attack on her helping you. She is offering your baby water because in her mind she is trying to help and hydrate your child but as we know this isn’t up to date information and while it might not have did her child any harm research has found that it’s not good for children this young.
3. there are somethings you will have to bite your tongue with (trust me i have to do this with my mil who looks after my child while I’m at work and while I would love to have complete control you just can’t and there is a point you do have to just let it go a bit if you’re not there but the thing is you ARE there and if it bothers you there’s no r owning on here you have to advocate for yourself and your child.

ive just read you said she’s used to being used for help and tbh if she’s letting you stay on her home then you do need to cut her some slack because she doesn’t HAVE to do that. You need to chose your main boundaries and have a real conversation . Baby will not be having water I don’t feel comfortable with it and when you say things like Tyler baby you want some water don’t you I find that undermining. If you don’t tell her in this way she isn’t a mind reader so you just have to be blunt.
again just readinggn a comment about the jumparoos and you said you just gave up - you don’t give up if you feel something is dangerous for your child then that’s it the end you just have to be more firm. No jumperoos I wouldn’t even let one of them in my house and it was suggested as a present many times when my child was wee. They are had for development and you said you know that so I feel like you’re not firm enough when you’ve said I gave up lol. You’ll need to advocate for your child on much more tricky stuff as they grow so it really starts now good luck :) you know your baby and what you’re comfortable with always go with your gut you might not get it right every time but you’re the mum and it’s your baby at the end of the day mils etc they’ve had their turn and did it their way and times change and people are different x

You don't HAVE to move in with her. You're a grown woman. Just don't do it. Sorted.

How can she not go into "mum mode" when you're moving in and, by your own admission, are asking for a ton of help already.

Yes definitely just as a relationship bomb final straw! But god would it be amazing to watch!

I finally ‘crashed the dishes’ on my husband and called out some of his bs and childhood trama (little sister came along when he was about 8 and he has been treated like secondhand shit since) he knows and acknowledges this as ‘just the way it is’ but he’s suddenly a lot kinder knowing that the reason I’m bothered by his family is because I don’t think they treat him good enough. And I won’t stand for our family being treated that way. You just can’t explain to a small child that grandma and grandpa only kinda love them, but his 45 yo aunt with a husband and family of her own has the sniffles and she might need them, so they suddenly can’t come and make good on b all their promises.

And I’d do it in this persons case! Having a MIL that’s stays away from me (I’ve got more amo to drop! Hubby has no good childhood stories, one time they made him sit 8 hours through a road trip with a cactus stuck in his hand - so yes I’ll put baby down for another nap thank you!) vs what this one is doing would be soo much better! Hubby can deal with his mom thank you!

This!

i had my babies between 1983 and 1999 and it was always advised no water i never gave any of my 5 water and my 15 grandchildren aged 21-1 have never been given water as babies. Basing your comments on what you did 27 years ago does mean you need to research

You just need to clarify, firmly but kindly, that you are the mum and as such, you are in charge of the executive decisions. As the helper, she is supposed to make things easier for you and not burden you with constant contradiction even if it's disguised as hints or helpful tips. When baby is older, being the grandmother means she gets to do more fun things while you get to do more bossy things. All she has to do is get there without alienating you.

I went through the same thing with my mother. I felt like she was contradicting me because her daily SOP was "Oppose everything and suggest improvement." She was in tears, but I told her that I was the mother and I was in charge. She asked what she was in charge of. I said "You're the Grandmother, you're in charge of fun." She said "(sniff sniff) I can do that." Then I had to make sure she had the opportunities. She became a fantastic grandmother.

So my mum was actually doing the same thing with my baby and it was driving me mad. So I had a chat with her gently saying that I knew it was coming from a good place but I was finding her constant comments and contradictions stressful. She was so apologetic and probably hadn’t realised she was doing it and we agreed a plan of what I would say in case it happened again. I’d defo just have a gentle chat x

This! Water is dangerous! Breastfed babies do not need water - the milk itself changes to become more watery when drinks are required. Also, a reflux baby should not be given anything other than milk - whether breast or formula. Granny's days of child rearing are over and modern advice is different.