Moving in with MIL (but she wants to parent my child)

[randomusername2024]

As title says, we have to move in with MIL for a little while which originally I was fine with. We have a 5 month old reflux and allergy baby who never sleeps so the thought of having more help was actually great. We spend a lot of time at MIL house and she does a lot to help us out with the baby as he never wants to be put down and needs constant entertainment which is draining when you get no sleep every night.

Despite how helpful she’s been, I realised i’ve been ignoring how a lot of her comments make me feel because of the fact she’s so helpful. She tries to parent my child and counters everything I say that is different to how she would have done it. Eg. my baby is breastfed but has some formula here and there and I don’t feel like he needs water as he’s not even 6m yet, I just increase his BF sessions when it’s hot to keep him hydrated. She’s obsessed w giving him some cooled boiled water. Everytime i say oh no i don’t think he needs it she’s like yeah just a bit to keep him hydrated is what you’re meant to do. When i say no guidance says from 6m+ she’s like well we did it from 4.5m+. She then carries on bringing up water every time I see her? Another example is me saying my baby should be going down for a nap soon as he woke up early and has been awake for 2hrs. Her: Well they’re awake for much longer now at this age so he’s fine he doesn’t need a nap anymore. He then fell asleep almost immediately when I gave him his dummy and comforter. She also will use baby talk to counteract my parenting by saying things like ‘Nooo we don’t need a nap do we Tyler?’ ‘I think you need some water. Do you want some water bubba?’ (fake name).

As much as it’s great getting so much physical help and I have leaned on her a lot to help when i’ve been sleep deprived and struggling with my postpartum depression, i’m now like hold on… why are you going against my parenting so hard?

I can cut back on the time i see her for now but if we have to move in with her how on earth am i going to resolve this?! She’s a great Nan but I just need the comments / thinking she’s right and it’s her way or the highway to stop 🥲

Thanks so much

Don't move in.

the hand that rocked the cradle came to mind when I had my 2 kids i was run down with an autoimmune illness mine cried day and night did not have his formula had to change it was 16 years ago now time goes fast and mil have never gotten on she talks to my kids like they are her own i have been left out completely. In contrast, she has had everything took the woman on holiday with us when they were small felt sorry for the woman being a widow likes being with my kids not me at all my overall health has suffered not with one chronic illness caused by stress of the woman and her relationship with my family, not hers my home does not feel like my home in anyway i know have to look after her because has dementia now very early now. Still, I watch her all the time and do not trust her at all stay aware of what she is doing controlling and manipulating it hurts it causes trauma in the family I'm always the bad person for saying it is her.

I use to give my reflux baby a couple of sips of water when it was hot nothing over the top, I found this help her go to the toilet as she was on gaviscon and special milk which was thicker.

Just sit down and have a honest chat with your mother in law, acknowledge her suggestions in parenting but they are just that suggestions only.

Her experience is outdated, and advice shouldn’t just be offered. It should be given only when asked for, because if she wanted your advice, she would have asked for it.

Unfortunately I can see where mil is coming from. It is important for the baby to be hydrated, ie water. Also you need to put the baby down sometimes, even if he/she cries! Or else you are creating a rod for your back and will never get any rest. But most importantly, you need to have a meaningful talk with your mil, who seems to actually have your welfare at heart and although you may not always agree, she was a mother before you and you obviously agree with her way of motherhood, or else you would never have fallen in love with and married her son. You can't spend all of your time with the baby, you can't run and pick him/her up as soon as he/she cries. Babies are smart, and as soon as they figure that all they need to do is cry and the parent comes running, believe me they will use that knowledge. I noticed that you mentioned that you and she get along well. Maybe you can sit down together and discuss things.

This couldn’t be more bollocks if it tried 😂

You can safely ignore this, OP. None of it is even close to being true.

There is no need to give breastfed babies anything other than breastmilk. When the weather is hot the mother's body adjusts the content of her milk to provide the exact right liquid to hydrate the baby. You can give them cooled boiled water if you want but it won't be exactly what they need in that moment in the way that their mother's milk will.

NHS guidance says no water before 6m. Baby will get what they need from milk and having too much water can be dangerous. Listen to the guidance. Just because it was ok previously doesn’t mean it is now. 20 years ago it was fine to smack your kids, but now there is a law against it. I can’t stand these arguments of “well this is how we did it” yes, you did, but since then, there has been further research and now we have a better way - or like with safe sleep guidelines, realised they way you were doing it was killing babies so now we don’t. Respect that.

Yeh, you gave your power and authority away just to be codependant...yet you have a partner...not to brag but I have three children I don't have the support due to eliminating toxic people for mine and my children's sanity who try to undermine my ability in knowing what my children need...i have done it myself because that's the sacrifice I made and people can't take credit, feel entitled or control my life or decisioni make on behalfofmy children yet you just want sleep...you had plenty of sleep before you became a mother I haven't slept in five years, and even when im sleeping im not sleeping or sleeping with ears like a dog for my kids, sorry jus sayin...I don't know what else to say..other than you should have kept your independence and set boundaries.

Nhs health visitors know nothing and contradict themselves. Safe sleep with the baby on their back so when their sick they can choke on their sick🙄...no wonder the western ways have so many children dying from SIDS ...common sense ..you wouldn't put a drunk person on their back would you?..you put them in the recovery position, on their side incase they choke on their own sick...all my children have slept on their tummy or side which nhs disapproves of still, again they know nothing.

‘Mil, I really appreciate your support but I’m going to need to you stop making making comments that undermine mine and OH parenting decisions’.

I agree, Utter crap

I had similar issues with my MIL - weaning advice, walkers etc. I dealt with it by counting in my head every time she tried to get me to use baby rice. It neutralised the irritation and allowed me to smile and say, "no, not something we're using" and change the subject.

I think a lot of older people forget that:

1. They parented following advice. That's all younger parents are doing.
2. Being a parent of 1-4 babies does not make you an expert in all babies.
3. There's a tendency to forget specifics - I find that most people who had babies more than twenty years ago tend to mush the details of different ages together.

No you don't. Nhs says you can just bf more then usual which is what op said.. 🤨
That's what the issue is perhaps 🙄

My MIL was exactly like this with both my kids. It took me raising my discomfort with DH for him to see it and help support me and back me up. Just being more of a team. Over a decade later and she is still VERY opinionated and when we do anything differently to how they brought up their kids she seems to take it as a personal insult. It’s rather draining. You have to be really strong. It’s difficult.

I think it’s you who knows nothing. SIDS rates dropped by over 80% when the back to sleep campaign was introduced.

Also, healthy babies do not choke if they vomit while on their backs. They swallow it or cough it up.

Please do not scaremonger and spread dangerous misinformation.

I haven't read all comments but just wanted to send solidarity as my MIL was OBSESSED with the idea that I need to give my babies cooled boiled water. Honestly she would suggest it as a remedy for anything and everything, mentioned about 3 times a day and would make up sterile cups of it for me to give. It's a generational thing based on the advice given at the time we were babies.

In the end I just said that I'd given the water and yes thank you it had helped (I didn't give it).

Maybe ask yourself if the cooled boiled water suggestion wasn't mentioned so much, would the other things bother you.

It will be us one day giving these suggestions to the next generation and wanting to pass on our wisdom :-)

Oh and give baby rice was the other one!

I lived with my in-laws for 7 years and it was intense. We had a baby after 3 years and had to have a discussion about how things would work as they are very OCD and do things at exactly the same time every week. And you can’t always be bang on time.

what does your partner say? They should be taking your side

@randomusername2024 If you have to move in with her, confront this before you do. Next time she tries saying anything, ask her why she feels the need. Say I appreciate your help and you are a great nan, but I want to follow the guidance on water and I have my way of doing things. Other option is to mirror her behaviour and get baby talking back to your child "nanny doesn't know the NHS guidelines for water does she bubba, don't worry mummy knows best." What can she say? How dare you disrespect me as I do you? She might stop doing it though 🤞

Babies are not meant to have water. Do your research its actually harmful

You need to check your facts, since babies had slept on their backs SIDS has reduced over 70% . It seems its you that knows nothing

Yes it is

What total rubbish,

I can see why you are annoyed, but you need to let it go, stick to what you want to do, dont argue with her. If you can avoid moving in with her that would be best, shes not meaning to demean you. And it seems you need the help and support she has given, im old now . But i dont try to tell my children how to raise their children . But a lot of older people have not caught on that times have changed, and you are correct babies should not have water