Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

@Whothefuckdoesthat Yeah I did actually! My first child's "father" was a total waster with no ambition. I bought the house we lived in, I paid the bills. It took a year but I ended the relationship when I could see how much he was holding me back and I took my child to a festival abroad for a week whilst planning my next move.

I lived my life with my child and then met my now husband and had two more kids. Who embraced by ambitions and dreams and we do it together.

She’s 19. She hasn’t got the life experience to understand the consequences of what she’s done.

I get it, OP. Of course it's disappointing and worrying.

If you had added some of the important context and dialled down the emotion in your OP, you might have got a slightly more balanced response. But this is AIBU so probably not. It's full of posters just waiting to dismiss and mock.

As you have a good bond with her, are you able to gently ask about her previous plans being dropped like this?

but he can still afford to go to the pub after work...

The point is her niece wanted to live a life with different experiences, travel, learn a language a big life. This is the direct opposite of that.

Also the idea that mums who have children in their teens go on to have fabulous lives is just not true. I’m delighted when someone does but it doesn’t always work out like that.

Well said I agree totally.

It's her life, let her live it

I get it OP. You went to university against the grain of your family background. You’ve encouraged and nurtured your DN’s ambitions for a life beyond getting a man’s dinner on the table when he comes home and a full time mother in her teens. But she has chosen that life anyway. I understand completely why you’re gutted. I would be too.

Great post! Putting money away for her is good advice as you can be sure that she is going to need all the support - financial and emotional - that she can get. Trust your instincts about this man, op and be there for your niece when she needs you.

You sound like you’ve been a great supporter for her. You can continue to support her to reach her goals with a baby. She will just need to be patient and work harder than before.

Is she happy?

Tbh OP, I don’t think you’re wrong. I think she has thrown her dreams away and I would be disappointed for her too.

But - as you know and have done - all you can do now is be supportive. She may really need you one day. Make sure you don’t say “told you so” though!

I hear you OP. You have an intuition on this that one day, as much as your niece will make a fantastic mum and will love her child to bits, she may regret settling so young and her partner may not be supportive when the time comes and she wants to start “spreading her wings”.

As previous posters have said, some here have had children young and made a career and life for themselves which is fantastic.

i think the worry is that she is with a potential partner who is going to cage her or clip her wings. I too would worry but as others have said, she needs to take the journey, learn the lessons and have the experience herself with your full support, which I’m sure she has.

I’d be very disappointed for her too. Can understand how you feel.

Fucking hell the replies, again. Why can't people answer honestly instead of being arseholes to the OP? It is tedious. The absolute bullshit in these replies.
I would be gutted too @Corianm, your neice has made her life 10x harder than it needed to be, especially if she's saddled herself with a shit bloke.
Thats the reality. I don't get the lying in the replies on threads like these.

I do get it, OP. I remember being 19 and madly in love with someone who, had I stayed with them and had babies, would have definitely ruined my life. I would feel sad for her too.

but (and not to one up you). It could be worse. I have a family member who was similarly bright, had the world before them, privately educated, outgoing. Went to uni. Is now addicted to drugs at 21, dropped out of uni and is sort-of missing (in that he occasionally pops up to someone asking for money before disappearing again for weeks at a time).

Really not sure I understand this reply but I finished Uni as did both my dc. My dc father did a physical job and was initially a low earner but together we built an amazing business. My point was having a child young does not ruin your life. Not sure what your is tbh but i think it's disparaging of the young man in question which seems odd.

Could that possibly be connected to the fact that she’s still a teenager, presumably has strong feelings for her boyfriend, and doesn’t know what she’ll be missing out on or how incredibly bloody difficult her life is going to be from here?

I think I would also be checking if she actually wants the baby. Thats the first question I’d be asking my DD in that situation or if she is just expected to keep it. She really needs to understand that a child is for life.

I'm 42 and I have ~15 years of reasonably 'full-time' parenting left (at minimum). She, on the other hand, will be free of childcare responsibilities by the time she is around my age, plenty of time left to learn Italian and get a job.

It don't always work out great.
Great it has for the few posters on here.
The reality is different for some.
It is that life the op is worried for her niece about.

I'm not sure what the early responses here were all about but I get it OP.

I also suspect all these posters saying "it's fine, it's her life" would feel very differently if it was their daughters!

of course it is disappointing. an unplanned pregnancy at 19 op@Corianm

The thing is, at nineteen she has no idea what she's letting herself in for and how much she's going to be limiting herself.

It's a bloody shame imo.

But I assume you had built your career and financially secure before having your children?
No point being 'free' at 42 when you have no money or career.
It will be tough however you package it.