Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

You've got to wonder why the government isn't encouraging women to have babies young when it seems a surefire road to success based on the anecdotes here.

That's your experience.

That hasn't been my experience in my circles and friendship groups.

I know people living with parents into their thirties because rent is high and student debt is crippling.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to be disappointed. Yes, of course, she can still do all those things you have listed but realistically she probably won’t. From what you have described life will be hard.

Please don’t convey your negative attitude to your poor niece. I was in her situation at that age and I definitely don’t feel like I’ve chucked my life away.

Have seen lots of the world and have got the next half of my life to enjoy the parts I haven’t seen. There are lots of great things about choosing to have children young. Do you think your own opinions about when women ‘should’ have children or your own feelings about having children are causing you to catastrophise?

The best thing you can do for her niece is embrace her new chapter and try to enjoy it with her. She will be able to tell if you have a negative outlook on this and it will likely not be great for your relationship.

I will never forget someone who I considered a close friend telling me that I would regret having the baby when I was pregnant and that she thought I was ruining my life. Not only was she wrong, her relentless hand wringing led to me avoiding her as the sense of disapproval and disappointment from her was so negative to be around. Please don’t be that person to your niece!

I understand your concerns for her.
It will be a tough journey at 19 without support.
She may well regret being a mom so young one day amd missing all the opportunities she could have experienced young, but ultimately it is her choice.

I can't believe this, honestly. What is wrong with being old fashioned about gender roles? I had to work really hard to find a husband who would support me to be a SAHP.

I think you're very narrow minded tbh.

I think you’re getting a hard time on here OP - I actually see where you’re coming from. I’m not ridiculously young but 29 with 2 small children and even then I do feel like I’m missing out compared to my peers, and that’s with having been to uni etc.
FWIW my mum had us young, she went to open uni, worked her socks off and has an amazing, well paid job. She’s just turned 50, all her kids are adults with homes of their own and she has the funds to travel in luxury and do the things she feels she missed out on when she was younger, but is able to do them much better than she would have done. So all is not lost OP!
ETA we also grew up going to art galleries, museums, palaces, cheap city breaks - so your niece may still be able to do the things she’s interested in with children S well (it’s much harder but not impossible!)

I can see why you would be disappointed for her. I would too

Have you said to her 'but what about travel etc' ?

Personally I would be hoping she had a change of mind.

@Corianm I'd feel exactly the same if it were my daughter or neice.

Yes the world hadn't ended but she's certainly made it a lot smaller for herself for the next few years.

Also at 19 to be saddled with one man without having dated around and seen what else is out there - most of us would be horrified to still be with the man we were with at 19 (and yes there will be a few exceptions by some lucky people reading this who are still with their teenage sweethearts)

Yeah if that was my Dd or my niece I’d be bloody disappointed too. Children change your life.

This

I would be gutted too OP for her. In your early 20’s there is so much potential for both fun and learning…. baby making could have waited a few years.

I agree with this. Your disappointment is what most of us would experience if a bright 19 year old we're close to announced they were pregnant.

The problem was how you worded your OP. I thought you were going to say she was convicted of a crime/addicted to heroin/committed suicide. So a pregnancy looks so minor by comparison that it's really pissed people off.

If you reposted this under a different title and avoided the flowery language in your post, most people would be agreeing with you and suggesting ways you could help her go to uni if she still wants to do that.

Has she said she wants the baby? Is abortion not an option? Have you talked about her uni plans and long-term plans? Have you ever talked about what she expects from a relationship in terms of support around the house and what she thinks of the way the men in her boyfriend's family behave?

Er no, I’m a SAHM and I still think it’s throwing your life away.

When your baby was old enough to talk about his future life and what he wanted to do with it, when he was deciding whether to be a footballer, or an astronaut or a firefighter etc, did you say ‘Son, have you considered forgetting university for the next 20 years, forgetting having the uni experience while you’re still young enough to enjoy making new friends, going on holidays with your friends, seeing new places, getting a job that’s going to pay enough to give you secure housing and a nice life? Instead, have you considered earning £6 an hour, staying at home with me for the foreseeable and fathering some children instead? Was that scenario an option you presented to your son? I’m not talking about reassurance that everything will be fine if things turn out that way, because it worked out for you, but presenting it as an alternative option. And, if not, why not?

I am absolutely puzzled by these comments. I would be heartbroken too, it is going to impact her life and curtail promise.

This 100%

I understand your concerns entirely OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong,
you’re simply sharing your private thoughts on an anonymous forum. It’s what you do that’s important, not what you think. It’s great that you think such a lot of your niece and have such a good relationship with her.

I would be very concerned in your position, not because of the pregnancy or change in life plans but because the person she has chosen as her partner appears
to be someone who may not bring her the happiness and fulfilment she hopes for.

All you can do is what you are doing, be supportive and be there for her. Sounds like she may need you in the future.

I get it, OP.

The women on here taking umbrage at your feelings are women who feel upset at the idea they’ve missed out on anything by having children very young.

The reality is, having children very young means you lose the opportunity to spend your teens and twenties finding out who you are.

Going to uni as a twenty or thirty something with a child or children is a very different experience to someone going to uni as an unfettered teen. A very different experience.

Moving abroad with a spouse who has no qualifications? Not going to happen. You need visas for Europe now we’re not in the EU and they won’t be giving one to a £6 an hour labourer. If the OP’s niece still wants to go to Italy in a few years’ time, she’ll have to find a career that will allow her to take her partner and child with her. Far from easy. Not impossible, but the barriers in place will be much higher than if she did it without a family in tow.

Not to mention the partner is on a very low waged job and from a family that seems to lack ambition. So what are her chances of being able to afford university and childcare in the future? How much encouragement will she get from said partner to pursue her academic goals?

Having a child young doesn’t mean you won’t make anything of your life. However it makes making something of your life much more difficult, and it means you missing out on a really wonderful stage of life where you should have no responsibilities and loads of freedoms to explore the world and try out new things without needing to support or look after a child.

There’s a good reason why the average age of first time mothers has been going up for years. Pretending that having a child at 19 is something that won’t hold the OP’s niece back from pursuing dreams of travel and a career is nonsense.

OP I sympathise. As an aunt I would be devastated if the same were to happen to one of my nephews/nieces. I want them to have the chance to explore everything before they settle down. Having a child when they’ve only just left school is not something I’d ever dream of for them.

It will be even more of a challenge for someone without the degree on £6/hr to get on the housing ladder.

You have not missed the mark, op and I understand completely where you are coming from. A close relative did exactly the same thing. She was beautiful, educated and married and had a child with someone who couldn’t really match her. I had to stand by over the years, bite my tongue and watch him drag her down (he has always been jealous of her achievements and had to somehow put himself above her). Despite his jealousy he has made no effort to elevate their situation through earning more or getting an education/learning a skill so their life is one long financial struggle with her doing all the work both outside and within the home. It has been painful to watch this beautiful woman become a shadow of herself and suffer a nervous breakdown. After all these years she has finally made the decision to separate from him and it is an absolute relief.

All those saying you are over the top don’t know the half of it. The knock on effect for others in the family who stand by and watch can be truly awful. And your niece is very young. My relative was much older. Buckle in for what may be a long and bumpy ride, op. Good luck.

The critical thing here is, SHE is not disappointed.

I get it op. She had big plans and now she's pregnant and saddled to someone who is unlikely to support her to realise those plans.

But I think you do have to remember that her plans have changed. Maybe she is as excited for motherhood as she previously was about travelling.

I think all you can do is be supportive, whether she plumps for drudgery or later tries to resurrect her original plans.

Being judgemental is thrown around as an insult but we all have to make judgements on a daily basis. It is ok to make judgements. The op is correct that this is a less than ideal situation. It would be better if niece had a career and an independent way of supporting herself. We all know how difficult it is to survive on maternity leave pay and it doesn't sound like op's niece even has this.

Sorry you are getting flamed here. On another day, there would be those agreeing with you, and suggesting she has a termination and enjoys her life until settling down mod-forties.
But truth is, most here will be perpetuating stereotypes and wanting grandkids. They will still be creating the types we read about on aibu.