Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

You cannot win here, @Corianm ! Even if you suddenly did a volte-face and said you were thrilled for her now, some would shoot you down for that!
As I said, the double-standards and inconsistency on this forum is astounding; one moment you are having a parade thrown for you, the next you are being flayed alive, even in the same thread.
I can guarentee, if that was one of their daughters, they'd be on here telling us how much their child has let them down by getting pregnant to a brickie loser.
If it was their son, they'd be moaning about a rich, educated cow getting deliberately pregnant to trap their darling boy

Bring a SAHM is a perfectly valid life choice.

If the SAHM is protected financially and legally - marriage, pensions, financial equality etc is all in place when the decision is made.

It's unlikely an accidental pregnancy at their age has all those things in place.

Of course her life isn't over. I went to university in my mid 20s as a single parent with a toddler and very little support and came out with a first. So it's possible but let's not pretend it's ideal or easy.

But it did impact on the career choices I made afterwards and, although I love my career, its not the one I would have gone into if I hadn't had to factor in childcare and a small child's needs and the impact on my capacity for further study. I have a masters but to do the career I wanted, I would have needed to do a doctorate and had more flexibility in where I lived.

It does restrict your opportunities.

Motherhood...so undervalued.

I totally understand the disappointment. But all you can do is be there for her, as you are. It’s going to be tough for sure and it’s ridiculous that some people on here are pretending otherwise. They wouldn’t be happy if their teenage daughter got pregnant but as a PP said, this board is full of people waiting to dismiss the OP, regardless of their true feelings.

I’m amazed by some of the earlier responses.

By the sounds of it the niece comes from a background where social mobility is tough. She had her life mapped out (a place at university so not just pictures on her wall). A way of changing her life from the norm of her peer group/background. Something she wanted, not just the dream of OP’s. The OP had helped her realise this dream by helping her with her studies as her family either didn’t have the inclination or ability to do this.

She is now unexpectedly pregnant. To someone who is earning £6/hour. Not exactly enough to bring up a young family, assume the niece won’t be earning much at the moment either.

How can anyone think this is ideal and that her life (may not be over) but is unlikely to end up where she had planned it to go.

The chances of having the opportunity to break away from the lives of her peer group are now much more limited. Will be interesting to see if the dad steps up. Will he forego nights down the pub with his mates so the niece can go to evening classes or still have her dream of going to university? I would say the chances of this are highly unlikely.

She may well be one day. He sounds awful. Let’s hope she comes to her senses sooner rather than later.

Most people posting on here would be totally upset if it was their child.
BE HONEST instead of beating up OP.

Oh dear you have fallen into the MN performative ' everyone is entitled to live their lives, so don't comment' vortex and the trap of thinking 'MN is like talking to trusted and kind friends'

I am old now and have three friends who married men, years ago, who it was clear to me at the time they would be unhappy with. Women who started cooking and cleaning for those mean immediately, who 'loved' them and wanted to ' take care of them'. Many years later two are divorced, quite acrimoniously, but the other couple have made it work and against all expectations the man is different nowadays.

I could have told them all at the time they were making a mistake but I never did because they didn't ask for my opinion, and of course, it is their life. People make mistakes all the time and I was not 100% correct in my prediction for my friends anyway - what do I know

However, I had misgivings at the time. I even shared those misgivings with other trusted friends or family, who either agreed with me or kindly told me I might be wrong and to see how it turned out. What I did not do (because it wasn't a possibility when I was young) was share it with hundreds or thousands of strangers and expect them to support of my view.

It is fine to have misgivings, you are human and may even be right in this case. You might be wrong though- sometimes people surprise you - that is sometimes one of life's joys (and sometimes one of its sorrows). Just congratulate your niece, be genuinely happy for her as she makes her perfectly normal and acceptable life choices like getting married young than you approve of, to someone you don't like - and be around if she needs you if things go wrong

@Corianm you are going to get a new neice or nephew to cherish . You are gaining, not losing.

Also, I wonder if in the past when talking about travelling, she has had these conversations because she knows how much these things interest you. Perhaps she was humouring you slightly.

My wonderful brother died young of a drug overdose following years of drug induced mental heath problems. That's "throwing your life away" and has caused unbelievable genuine pain to all our family.

Your niece can still do all the things she wants to do - she might just be doing them in a different order to what she originally mapped out. Having children is the most amazing thing I have ever done and I wish I had started earlier. I'm sure she'll be fine and will appreciate your unreserved support x

I think some people would be very happy.

I'm always amazed on MN by the number of women who regard a baby as the most amazing thing and best thing that can happen to a woman and the more the better regardless of circumstance.

I thought the same.

My DN did the same. I too was upset and disappointed for her as the life she, I thought deserved, would now be very different.

But, her baby really was the making of her. DN didn’t have the best childhood, baby’s dad was and still is useless (didn’t stick around long after the birth), DN is am amazing mummy. I would love to tell you all that she has achieved for her and her DD but it would be too outing if DN was to read. I am SO proud of DN, the amazing teenage mum is a totally awesome young woman with an equally amazing ‘mini-me’ by her side.

People are being weirdly leftie about this but I bet they’d be slightly disappointed if it was their daughter. I’d be disappointed if it was mine, because this is a harder path to happiness for sure, and now she’s tied to this man / boy for the rest of her life. Think back to who you were dating at 19? Would you be happy to be with them forever? Yes some people marry their childhood sweethearts and you’ll get people coming on to tell you how they met at 15, married at 18, 4 kids and happily ever after but there are also several people I went to school with (34 now) who were divorced by mid 20s, kids by a few different men and have really struggled to find their place in the world, some of them now wanting to go back to university that they missed out on, but finding that so much harder now they’re older, have kids to look after etc

It's one thing to recognise the challenges this may bring - every choice we make in life brings challenges.

It's quite another to describe it as chucking her life away and to talk like it's broken your heart. It's over the top and regardless of how good your poker face is, really risks her sensing this and being hurt or pulling away.

She is an adult who has made a choice. The freedom to do what you want with your life is the freedom to do this. Besides, as others have said - she still has a whole lot of life to live and may do more with it yet that you approve of.

In the meantime, I think you do need to fully respect the decision she's made.

Oh my goodness, there's a very significant chance that your niece will absolutely adore her baby and being a mum.

Fyi you can also travel with young kids, I have done it myself.

Maybe there are many qualities she likes about her partner, and she's ok with him not liking art galleries...

Sorry for your young brother. May he RIP.

However OP is absolutely 💯 correct to be concern3d about niece.
Her life and her choice mantra does not mean guidance advice and support should be ignored from someone who knows the individual and has experienced life.

Just an observation……. The people jumping down your throat here OP are the ones who had kids at a young age, who through their own choices don’t actually fully comprehend what they’ve missed out on.

Your niece will miss out, especially given her location you’ve alluded to and the aspirations of her child’s dad, so for that I’m very sorry. You sound like a lovely aunt who has her best interests at heart 💐

And that’s amazing that you had the grit and determination to achieve all of that. It must have been bloody hard work, emotionally and literally, to buy a house, pay all the bills, be a mum and cope with an unambitious waster who was holding you back (I suspect that may sound sarcastic, but I don’t mean it to be, it’s genuinely a massive achievement).

Can you think of any reason why the OP might not be over the moon that her niece is going to have to work as hard as you have? Rather than a route which, although would still be hard work, would be a bit more plain sailing? Or why she’d hoped that her niece wouldn’t have to be held back for any length of time by an unambitious waster?

Where will she get the money from when her partner earns £6 an hour to travel.
Let's be honest people, life is tough.

Hi OP, I get it, I would be gutted too.
No idea why people are pretending that having a baby at 19 is a breeze? Of course it will curtail her opportunities and horizons, especially with the type of man she chose. She does not have the life experience at 19 to realise what she’s letting herself in for.

Methinks this niece is probably a projection of the life you wanted. All very psychoanalytical but not sure how else to make sense of your complete over reaction!

This is a weird pile on. Of course your niece *can do all the things she planned and dreamed of. But the reality is that it will be a lot harder for her to with a baby, and a partner who doesn't share the same ambitions and so is less likely to support her in hers. He might prove you wrong, but there is nothing Wrong with your being sad that her life will now be a different one to that she dreamed about. It might be just as happy but in a different way.
My own dd has done a similar thing and whilst I'm happy she is happy I can see a time where she might regret some of her choices. We aren't here forever. And the reality is that without a lottery win, with a baby, no career and an unambitous partner she isn't going to be travelling the world, as she always said she wanted to do, any time soon.

I sympathise with you OP. I don’t believe she can do all the things you’ve mentioned just as easily with a baby. She’ll never end up living abroad. If she goes to uni she won’t have the same experience as other freshers. I would be gutted if my sons were in this situation. Or my niece or nephew; I’d be gutted regardless of gender.

I'd feel the same way OP. At 19 life should be fun and adventure. The chances of her staying with this boy forever are very slim indeed. There's being a single parent and blended families in her future. .