Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I was pregnant at 17 and had a baby at 18.

Life is probably going to be harder for her but I wouldn't say anything as dramatic as "chucked her life away." I certainly don't feel that way about my own life.

It will just be a different type of life to what she originally planned.

Your DN sounds like a lovely lady. Life has thrown her a change in her plans. Now is the test to see how she deals with it. If as you say she has held a desire for a long time to work on a certain role and live abroad, if she really wants this she has every option to do it, albeit that it will be harder. A baby doesn't stop this happening. I have a friend who fell pregnant when we were at University and still went on to reach the top of her field as a medical consultant, another who came to University with a DD.
It is entirely in your DN hands. The question is whether she fights for this path or gives in to the life you describe. That's up to her. Show her you will support and trust that she will make the decisions she needs to.

You sound very judgemental. You don't like the boyfriend because he works for his dad and likes doing to the pub. How do you know he won't make a great father?
What's wrong with being a SAHM if that's what you're niece chooses? Some women are actually happy I. Traditional gender roles don't you know?
They don't need raging man haters telling them how they should live their lives.
Women are not compelled.to carry a pregnancy nowadays, they have choices. They may regret their choices but its their life to live as they please

If your niece is happy, then there is nothing more important. She may well have had plans for how her life would be mapped out but plans can and do change when the right person comes into your life. Just because you think the boyfriend's family are 'shockingly old fashioned' doesn't mean that your niece is wrong if she's accepted that she's going to live like her mother and sisters in law - plenty of people do and if it suits them, there's nothing wrong with that. Just because people choose a different lifestyle, which some people may think is a bit outdated doesn't mean they've made a mistake.

We always thought our daughter was destined for the most exciting, high flying life but she's living a very different life to what I had imagined for her years ago. But she is now the happiest she has ever been (probably the happiest person I know) and is with her soul mate. They have enough money to live on, but won't ever be the high earners I used to imagine, and she's now the least materialistic person I know - completely different from how she was as a teen and in her early 20s - but when I look at them and see how happy they are, it makes me realise that I've done ok as a parent in raising such a grounded young woman who is totally content with her life.

It can’t be that much of a disaster then if his family are nice enough to be friends with your family.

I too thought this would be about drugs or suicide.

She can travel with a baby anyway. And when the baby is 18 she’ll be 37. Plenty of life left. But I don’t agree that her life will be on hold/ruined for the next 20 years in any case.

She's not murdered anyone, she's not on heroin your massively overreacting. Everyone has dreams and plans for the future especially when young that don't happen because life happens, this is normal. Have you ever thought that she actually planned this pregnancy as she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend and you and potentially the rest of the family where putting to much pressure on her to go to uni and travel the world.

@Corianm I get what your concerns are. 100%. Your niece has a vision board in her bedroom of the landmarks she wants to visit abroad. She carefully chose a uni course based on research she did on corporations in her dream field. The course starts in a few months. She has big dreams.
Now she’s pregnant with a bloke who earns £6/hr and lives with his parents. I would be sad for her too. He doesn’t sound like he has international ambitions. Others have said that they can travel with the baby…not on £6/hr, they won’t be.
She would have been in her element in her course, working alongside like-minded students with similar dreams. Possibly finding travel companions. I know this because it was my experience. Then after uni I found a job abroad and it was one of the best times of my life.
All you can do now is support her and conceal your worries about what she’s lost out on.

I understand where you are coming from OP. However your niece has made her choices. She chose to date this guy and must have known what he was like but she was OK with that. It may not be the life you envisioned she'd have but she has to find her own path.

How lovely to be a young mum. I had a child at 19 and was in fact a single mother.

I've traveled, lived abroad with the child, started a business, went to uni and am a qualified teacher, chair of a charity and governor of a school.

Do you think I've thrown my life away?

Op if it makes you feel better I had my first (surprise) baby at 21.
I still travelled. I still lived abroad. And I still run my own (successful & profitable) business.
I did my uni degree when I was 32. Not that it helped my career at all but what I wanted to do it.
Guess what, I also had more kids.

You say she's smart, she will figure out how to do what SHE wants. Not what you expect her to do.

I think you’re being judgmental about his family there could be all sorts of reasons why some of them don’t work. Her partner doesn’t like art galleries and goes the pub - so what! Everyone’s interest are different.

I think the point the OP is making is that his interests are so different from anything previously expressed by the niece that she’s going to find it very difficult not to lose herself in his identity. She has tied herself to a family where she’s unlikely to be supported if she announces that she’d like to get a degree or learn a language. It is going to be a case of ‘Don’t be silly, what do you need a degree for when you’re only going to be at home, raising our kids’. It’s hard enough achieving social mobility when you’re from that background. Add in the responsibilities of children and a partner who doesn’t understand or enjoy anything that doesn’t happen in the pub and she’s just made everything a million times harder for herself.

You're being deliberately obtuse. Being pregnant at 19 with no obvious means to support oneself and baby isn't ideal. Op's niece could have waited a few years, realised her ambitions and still started her family at a young age.

I hear you, my niece did the same and is now happy but works part time as a receptionist and is mum to their 5 year old, the dad's nice enough but has no ambition to do anything or go anywhere, it's not the life I'd have wanted for her she could have done more but will now always struggle 🤷‍♀️

Out of curiosity, did you do all of that while in a relationship with a man who just wanted to spend all his spare time in the pub?

This.

The women I know who have chosen to be SAHM are living a much better and less stressful life than those working.

Leave your niece alone to make her own choices. She isn't your child. Stay out of the way.

Good for you but more than likely you're the exception not the rule. Being a single mother must be super hard and a struggle because even when 2 parents are present, raising a child is hard. Maybe op didn't want her niece to struggle and there is no shame is aspiring to realise one's ambitions and not struggle.

And many more SAHMs are at the mercy of feckless and financially abusive partners as we read about all the time on here! It's much safer for everyone involved if people in any kind of partnership have the means to support themselves. People are very changeable and it is risky to be totally dependent.

I had a baby, now nearly 40 at University he's the best thing I ever did. I wish your niece absolute joy and happiness. Being a young mum also means your dc fly the nest whilst you are in your forties. I truly feel I've had the best life. I've run my own businesses had two amazing dc and just retired at 59 with enough passive income to never have to work or worry again. She really hasn't thrown her life away she's made a fantastic choice more women should and hopefully will embrace.

Expressing disappointment for her does not look like telling an internet forum she's "throwing her life away" imo. That's absolutely a judgement of her.

I get it OP. My daughter is 19 and I would be absolutely gutted if she announced she was pregnant.
Yes of course there are stories of people who have made it under similar circumstances but reading MN regularly also shows how things could turn out.
Also settling down with someone at 19 is a worry. So many changes for them to go through as a couple and lots of growing up to do yet so there is a good chance they won't make it and she will end up on her own.
It's ok to come here and express your worries for her and your disappointment. You aren't being unreasonable at all.
And it's clear you will support her in this change of direction & will love her baby & are just venting on here. Which is allowed.
I hope you can continue to be the person who helps her ultimately reach her career goals later than she had originally planned.

@Corianm I can understand your concern and all the cool ‘I had my baby young at look at me now’ pp’s are being disingenuous.
I got married young but waited 8 years to start a family.
I was still too young to get married imo and spent my late teens working and paying a mortgage instead of wasting money and having fun.

Your dn will figure it out, as you say she’s smart.
The best thing is to be there to support her.

But if I could turn the clock back I really would.

I think you should butt out of her life.

She is 19
she can go in the future as i am assuming from your post she has stellar a levels. No need for night classes

No, you wanted to be incredibly unpleasant and disparaging about your niece’s choices which are absolutely none of your business or anything to do with you.
You’re so judgemental I can’t understand why she has anything to do with you.

OP do remember that this forum is mostly populated by stay-at-home mums, so the idea that having a child and not pursuing a career is “throwing your life away” will of course ruffle feathers!

Totally get where you’re coming from though, I’d feel the same if it were my daughter. I guess all you can do is take an active role in researching how she could possibly make her dream reality with a child in tow, and guide her as best you can!