Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I loathe the criticism by some of OP being “over involved” in her niece’s life. Isn’t it obvious that she loves her niece very much and wants the best for her?

Sounds like OP has been more involved with niece in respect of education than her own parents have been as niece has gone beyond her parents’ capabilities where education is concerned

@Teddybearpicniccelebration so no woman should ever have a baby unless she is financially rich enough to be a single mother - because by your theory no woman should ever rely on a man ever just incase he decides to up and leave her.
That's a bit of a dystopian society you're suggesting there.

Her bloke wants her to know her place in the kitchen and look after his offspring. It's not the 1950's anymore women have choices.

Ask her lovely aunt for help so she can follow her dreams.

I get it Op, and would be equally disappointed. But she's only 19, and has the rest of her life to do all the great things she was looking forward to. It's never too late.

I don't know why people are giving the aunt a hard time and pretending that this young woman's life isn't going to be very hard and that it's wonderful she's having a baby at 19 with no work experience or money behind her.. Yes, some teen parents do go on to succeed against the odds and so on but this young woman is giving up her plans for university and travel for an unplanned baby.

Being realistic, it is extremely unlikely that she will ever spend a year in Italy now. Her boyfriend is an apprentice on £6 an hour who works for his dad and his only other activity seems to be spending time at the pub with his mates. He doesn't look like a future millionaire business owner in the making but seems more likely to want his dinner promptly on the table. In reality this relationship seems unlikely to last and she would no doubt have soon forgotten him if she had gone to university. Teenage boys aren't known for sticking around in this situation either.

If it were my daughter I'd be asking if she is very sure that this is what she wants and perhaps the OP can do it as an aunt who is close to her. I think I would try to talk to her to say there are other options available. I wonder if she was a bit scared about going off to university and just ended up clinging to the familiar pattern in her family.

You are being SO offensive as well as superior and condescending.

Get a hobby

Everyone is just so bloody negative by default. It might just be brilliant and lovely and great?? Ever occur to anyone?? Things can be easy and turn out well. It starts with the approach.

At no point has that been said at all. Complete fiction. He might not share the same views as his parents. Perhaps his mother didn't want to work and if op does he'll be fine about it.

@BingoMarieHeeler maybe some people are more realistic and don’t just say every baby is a blessing. They haven’t got enough money for a start, so will be relying on their parents (who might not have much) or the state

Being realistic, it is extremely unlikely that she will ever spend a year in Italy now. Her boyfriend is an apprentice on £6 an hour who works for his dad and his only other activity seems to be spending time at the pub with his mates. He doesn't look like a future millionaire business owner in the making but seems more likely to want his dinner promptly on the table. In reality this relationship seems unlikely to last and she would no doubt have soon forgotten him if she had gone to university. Teenage boys aren't known for sticking around in this situation either

This. Presenting this as snobbery is missing the point. It’s not his social class that’s the problem it’s his and his family’s (according to OP) attitude to women and their role in society and what will be expected of her as a result.. And his lack of motivation to do anything other than get pissed.

It would arguably matter less if the niece was older and working because she would have an escape hatch (which she is going to need). As it is she will be reliant on him for some time to provide for her which is profoundly regrettable.

The best you can hope for is that she comes to her senses when she realises he is a bit of a waster and leaves him.

He's presumably about 19. And you're writing him off because of his parents opinions and the fact he goes to the pub.

Would you all like to be judged as wasters by what you did when you were 19? Is the niece now a waster as well because she's pregnant? Or are we just judging him? Is everyone a waster who doesn't go to uni?

Having a baby at 19/20 is not ideal, but it's also not your life! Nor is it the end of hers.

My baby (born when I was 19) turned 16 this year. I'm beyond proud of him. I'm still with his dad, have two other children. A home.

Oh and a successful career which I worked damn hard to get by going to uni once the children were at school.

Doing it differently doesn't mean doing it wrong.

The point is her niece wanted to go to university they went shopping together three weeks ago to prepare and then this bomb shell. I can imagine her niece feels gutted and equally as worried about her future. She is in a vulnerable position he doesn't have to be with her if he doesn't want to.

This is so offensive and classist.

Agree with all this, lucky girl to have an Aunt that cares and wants the best future for her I’d be gutted if my daughters got pregnant at 19.

It’s not just “his parents opinions and the fact he goes to the pub”. It’s a whole outlook on life and a set of values.

Its a mindset that says a woman’s place is in the home and education or self improvement is a self indulgent waste of time.

And it wouldn’t have to matter if she was older and had a career and the ability to support herself when the relationship breaks down (which it will). As things stand she will be dependent on him for money and tied down with one child and possibly multiple children at a time of life when she should be exploring the world, getting an education and starting work. And as he seems to want to spend every spare minute in the pub this is rapidly going through get very old very quickly when she is bored, tired and alone at home.

Dont pretend you aren’t familiar with this. It’s a scenario as old as the hills. Millions of women do it and many of them get out but if you have no qualifications and have not worked it’s exponentially harder.

No, of course she doesn't. She can choose to leave if she wants to. She can choose to get a termination if she wants to. As it stands, she's choosing to stay and have her baby.

The point is things have changed and what she needs is support, not judgement. Not everyone from a family like that is a "waster". He's a young adult who is doing an apprenticeship. You're judging him on his parents attitude and the fact he goes to the pub and that doesn't make him "good enough". As if people cannot have different views to their parents. As if they cannot give their child a better life than they had. Ridiculous.

@Ottervision but isn’t that why most people wouldn’t recommend people becoming teenage parents, as they are not prepared for that level of responsibility. Fine if he wants to spend his meagre wages down the pub if he only has to look out for himself. Not fine if he has a baby on the way. Niece I presume doesn’t have full time job as preparing to go to university, so doesn’t have means to support a baby. Wouldn’t think it was ideal to have a baby at university either unless you have other sources of income

But we don't know what his mindset is. We know his parents. My in laws live this traditional life. My husband was brought up that way. It's not how my life is.

Again, how is it you seem to know how he'll act when the baby Is born? Do you have some way of seeing into the future?

Nobody is recommending it, but its happened! So advice to just not be a teenage parent doesn't really apply now does it?

As if people cannot have different views to their parents. As if they cannot give their child a better life than they had. Ridiculous.

But he’s not currently showing any signs of wanting to give his child a better life if he’s in the pub every night is he?

Op has known she is pregnant for less than 3 weeks if they went shopping 3 weeks ago. Maybe he will now change that behaviour?

By the same logic he might end up as a really successful tradesman with his own company and 350 employees.

His only hobby is sitting in a pub drinking with his friends, so I think it’s unlikely the above scenario is going to play out.