Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I’m with you OP. I’d be devastated if my daughters were pregnant so young.

I agree with you OP. I would also be devastated if a young woman I loved got pregnant at 19, especially with a partner who doesn't seem like he has an appetite for exploring the world. Do you think maybe you don't know her as well as you think? Why on earth would someone like her fall for someone like him?

He's 19 but oh can't be a successfull tradesman because he goes to the pub. Honestly mumsnet sometimes is barmy. Written off at 19 for learning a trade and going to the pub.

@Ottervision

Again, how is it you seem to know how he'll act when the baby Is born? Do you have some way of seeing into the future?

I have as much insight into this as you do. All I can go on is what OP has said which is that his only apparent interest in life is getting drunk.

Of course he could reverse the trend and surprise everyone but surely you can understand the odds at the moment don’t look good. Particularly because his family seems to want her to fall into this tradition role. She is going to be pushing water uphill getting support from them.

@Ottervision what makes you so sure he is going to be dad of the year and be able to provide handsomely for his child?

The chances are they live in an area where that is very unlikely to happen. Yes he is doing an apprenticeship, working for his dad, so might be more of a way of getting cheap labour rather than actual career progression and women are expected to stay at home and do the dinner, whilst he is out with his mates and family (so great role models for him there) He would be very much the outlier if he supports the niece in her educational endeavours and steps up to be a hands on dad. Not saying it won't happen, but the odds are very much stacked against them.

Op didn't say his family want her to do anything did she? Didn't she just say that's how his family are?

He's 19. A lot of them go out and get drunk. If he continues I'd judge him but until then, seems like pretty normal teenage behaviour.

I’m pretty sure that OP’s niece is aware that abortions are A Thing. If the niece is happy to be pregnant and OP decides to start a conversation about, “You know, you don’t have to have a baby,” the odds are that it’ll cause a serious rift in their relationship.

I'm not sure! I've repeatedly said we have nonidea how he'll behave. I just don't judge people based on their parents behaviour. I'm saying I wouldn't write someone off so young.

Maybe the odds are stacked against them. I'm not denying it. I just don't write people off based on social class, status, their family. A lot of people here obviously do.

Maybe he'll be shit, I dunno. But I wouldn't pre judge him when the niece is only just pregnant.

Exactly @Ottervision typical teenage behaviour, so why are so many posters seeing this as something OP shouldn't be worried about. The average 19yo (male or female) is not cut out to be a parent

Because at the end of the day they're adults. It's not up to op to do anything about it. If he continues to behave like that whilst the niece raises the baby then the niece can leave.

It's not an ideal situation but it's happening so...

I don't even know if I agree the average 19 year old isn't "cut out" to be a parent. I'm not sure anyone is cut out for it. You just get on with it don't you. You step up.

In an ideal world everyone would be married own a house, work, be financially secure before kids. But they're not. So they've gotta make the best of it. Bitching and moaning about a life lost isn't helping anyone.

At 19, you've only just become an adult with all the freedom that brings. Everything will be so much harder for OPs niece now. I pity people who don't see there's more to life at that age and that life and kids will be so much better if you do it later, with more money, when you know yourself better and when you're more sure of your partner,

Op has only said she's disappointed and thinks she's thrown her life away. I would also be devastated if my DC became a parent at 19 instead if going to University and travelling. She will probably not be able to do any of those things now. It's fine for people with money and family aspiration and expectations to say ' you can take a baby abroad ' etc etc, you can, but most of the time the sheer cost is prohibitive. Chances are she has ' thrown her life away' and will be stuck on the estate she grew up on.

All the support should be given to her niece and what she wants to do it's probably a huge shock to her. I think she should be encouraged to continue with her plans with support and guidance. She could go next year or the year after. She may want to terminate and put her future first who knows. It's up to her niece and her boyfriend if they want to continue being together or have the baby. A baby puts pressure on young adults and will they have the emotional maturity to hold the relationship together.

That's why it's so important that she has qualifications to fall back on if the relationship turns sour and she's left with her child.

Yeah, I've never said she shouldn't go to uni or work. I've suggested she still could?

I don't understand why you congratulated your niece and expressed your enthusiasm when you could have been honest. Essentially you lied to her.

Maybe she’ll broaden his?

I got pregnant at 18. DH’s family very traditional, mine are a lot more progressive. I have moulded him into our more progressive ways of thinking. We’ve travelled with the kids, I did uni in my 30s and am now a qualified healthcare professional. Dd1 is 19 and at uni herself and dd2 is just off to 6th form with plans to go to uni.

I still shock DHs very traditional father to this day with how independent and strong willed I am and I think he feels at times DH should put his foot down and keep in under control a bit. He won’t though as he is not his father or we wouldn’t still be together after 21 years. DHs mum wishes she had been a bit more strong willed earlier in their marriage now!

anyway. Her life isn’t over and it’s not a disaster. She’s an adult and she will be fine. I’m actually super glad my life worked out this way. I love having adult kids while I’m still young myself. There are a lot of positives to having kids young, most mumsnetters don’t agree, but that’s because it’s not what most of them did and people tend to advocate for their own carefully planned experience's. I didn’t plan to have a child at 19, but I’m glad I did and maybe your niece will be too.

University is only going to get more expensive. Wouldn’t be something I would be delaying if you have the opportunity to do it now.

Instead of posters saying a baby is a blessing, the cold harsh reality of parenting needs to be spelt out. It’s hard enough for young adults to be able to afford housing (whether renting or buying) adding the costs of a baby into the mix just makes it harder.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname were you both from sink estates?

@Ottervision

He's 19. A lot of them go out and get drunk. If he continues I'd judge him but until then, seems like pretty normal teenage behaviour.

Maybe. But the point is he will very soon be her only source of income (unless she has wealthy parents). It’s nothing against him personally but who would want a talented smart and ambitious young woman to be financially dependent on someone like that.

The bottom line is they are far too young. They neither of them have enough experience or foundation in life to have a kid. And in the case of the niece she is delaying a lot of what she wants the do on a bloke who shows no signs of being ready for this.

But she is the one who will be up shit creek. He will be fine and no doubt walk off happily into the sunset when it’s all too hard and boring for him. She will be the one whose life chances are affected, not him.

OP people are offended because you’re not applauding whole heartedly a young person being pregnant and living a regular life as so many do. It’s more about them than your niece. You can be disappointed by her new plans as she shared her dream plans with you and now is suddenly switched. It’s surprising and you’re working through how you feel and best way to support her. My personal experience was an ex’s neice had an excellent placement on a zoology course (& plans to see the world)and the family actively encouraged her to drop the course when she got pregnant and get a part time bar job instead. She did and followed the rest of the family in staying local and hopping from one insecure part time job to another. She expressed how much she would like to study again and basically shouted down that isn’t her life now. She has a second child now and she just looks so despondent. Be there for her when she needs it but get your emotions out before you talk with her.

Who are you arguing with here? She's chosen to have the baby!

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I just wanted to say that I became pregnant at exactly the same age. My kids have both traveled the world with my husband and I. We now live in a different country and we are living the most wonderful life. My kids have gone through all these experiences WITH my husband and I. By no means does having children have to hold you back. People just assume that kids needs total stability, for example staying at the same school. For us, this just wasn’t the case, or need, for them to be successful and thrive.

YANBU. I would be gutted if this was my DD or DN. I had my first baby close to that age. It wasn't ideal. I didn't go to university as planned, didn't have the career I'd dreamt of, the dad was the kind of man you describe and life with him was bloody miserable.

However, life moves on. 15 years later, I'm divorced from muppet-face, remarried to a fantastic man, have an interesting high-flying career and travel all over the world. I put myself through an OU degree a few years ago and am preparing to start an MSc funded by my employer. I own my own home. We go on multiple very nice holidays every year.

It wasn't all a disaster. I have two beautiful children who will be adults by the time I'm 40. I'm fully planning to have my 20's in my 40's!