Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

The chances of her having more children quickly after this one is so common too. And most likely ending up a dependent sahp are even higher.

They're again all choices for her to make though aren't they. Why are we acting like this has mysteriously just happened to her and she has no choice in the matter?

It's fine to be disappointed, I'd be disappointed, but at the end of the day she's made her mind up, what can anyone actually do but be supportive?

Anything else will just drive her away and then yes her chances of a shit life will grow even more.

I understand where you're coming from tbh. Having a child isn't easy and she's not even married so is likely to end up a single mother. However, there is hope. This girl I went to school with became pregnant at 18/19 she was very clever, very beautiful she could have married very well but instead had a child with some tw*t wannabee gangster. Anyway fast forward several years later during covid she did her law degree & masters and now is on her way to becoming a solicitor. I myself also made some mistakes became pregnant at 22. ALthough me and my son's dad are not together, we co parent greatly, my son is in one of the top all boys prep schools in London and I myself have just started a new career as a financial adviser which I love. What I'm saying is everyone makes mistakes no life is perfect and she is young and has a family that loves her, so she has plenty of time to do something with her life. ( I never went to uni may I add, but went on to be a high earner) Just give her support, guidance and always be there for her. Good luck!

@Cooper77 I agree with everything you said but having a child at 19 is more pressure than what you've posted:
PND
body changes
hormone imbalance
sleepless nights
paying rent
bills
water rates
council tax
gas
electric
food
Baby food formula is over £12 she will have to decide between breast or bottle
clothes
shoes
travel money
trips

The list is endless! Having a well paid job to pay for everything £6 an hour won't cut it. Raising a family is expensive.

They can live at home but is there enough room to allow baby to grow and develop?

He's not going to be on £6 an hour forever is he for crying out loud. Apprenticeships are like 3 years max? He's 19. If he went straight from school he's almost done!

I disagree. She absolutely has thrown her life away. She has given so much up.

Also a quick Google tells me 19 and over, after your first year it's minimum wage anyway! So it's £6.40 an hour for a year max. A pregnancy is 9 months.

A lot of young people try college first before going into an apprenticeship so he may be just starting now. Will it pay enough when he finishes?

More whataboutery. As above it'll pay at least min wage after a year. Probably more.

They live in London minimum wage with a young family ain't doing nothing. They'll have to go on the housing register to get housed she will have to go on benefits until she can work and universal credit can pay for childcare.

Like half of the people who live in London and can't afford to buy 500k studio flats. Yep.

Again, her choice to have this baby?

Do you think only rich people should have babies in London? What is it you think everyone else does who earns min wage?

@Ottervision so up to about £8ph, depending on age. He may just end up being a basic labourer rather than a highly qualified tradesman

@Teddybearpicniccelebration or she can go to University on a government loan which will probably never get paid back....which is what a lot of 19 year olds do.

A graduate salary would be better to start a family with

By the same logic he might end up as a really successful tradesman with his own company and 350 employees.

Why are you intent on putting him down?

You also don't do an apprenticeships to become a labourer. Why do you think that? Who learns a valuable trade and becomes a labourer?

I'm a bit baffled about the 'its not like she's on drugs' comments. You can get sober at any point and walk away from that, you're a parent for the rest of your life and nothing will change it.

She now has to put somebody else first. Forever. And she has only had one year of adult life and so has never really had a chance to experience putting herself first. Her twenties and thirties which are the best years of your life (generally speaking, health wise, freedom etc) have now been entirely given to somebody else. She doesn't get to spend that time on herself any more. Those doors have closed.

Sucks for her but at the end of the day it is her decision. I doubt the relationship will work out either.

She had a plan she knew what she wanted to do. Now it will cost more money to help support them as a young vulnerable family.

Many people start an apprenticeship as they have to stay in education or on training scheme until 18. Not necessarily because they are going to end up qualified tradesmen. He also seems to b spending his £6ph down the pub rather than saving it!

@Teddybearpicniccelebration and it sounds like he also had a plan - doing the Apprenticeship.
At least he could be earning a full time wage in a year or two time (and being his age doesn't necessarily mean minimum wage when he is qualified).
If she went to University that's 3 years of part time wages and (probably) a government loan.

I absolutely see where you are coming from OP. Please be there for her once she realises the reality of the situation. It will be a shock, but you can help her see that there is light at the end of the tunnel (in terms of continuing her education)if she decides she still wants to pursue that course of action.

I'd be disappointed in her too. She's a bloody idiot and a single parent in the making

No I don't believe that at all. I believe all young women deserve a good start in life rather than motherhood. My daughter has her first boyfriend I advised her to go on the pill. She's at university studying a masters degree after she finishes she can do what ever she wants. I've taught my daughter never to rely on any man in case he turns out to be wanker.

She should rely on a man and if he leaves her then what universal credit?

Hmm. My aunt told my DSis that she had ruined her life by getting pregnant young. All it did was make DSis dislike aunt.

I don't think an aunt wading in to encourage an abortion is likely to help. Listening if she has doubts and being supportive if she wants an abortion is something else.

It's all a huge amount of work - getting degree, building a career, raising children. There's no one way to do it.

At what point have I said she should rely on him? She can go to uni / get a job. A lot of people go back to work after 9 months.

She's chosen to keep this baby so what is it you're suggesting should happen?