Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I think some of the comments here are pretty harsh. I can see where you are coming from @Corianm
Let’s be completely real here of course the way you can experience and live your life is totally different once you have children.
All the experiences, care free time, holidays I had before children were amazing and had I had a baby at 19 they wouldn’t have happened.
Yes ok we can say her life isn’t over but it’s not going to be the same.

Gosh, OP, I’m amazed at the responses on here. OF COURSE she can still do everything she’s dreamed of — but it’s definitely going to be different with a baby in tow/if she waits until the child is older —and having a partner that seemingly has a very different mindset to her could be the biggest hurdle. I’m not surprised you’re quietly disappointed but the two of them got themselves into this situation and it sounds as though they’re both stepping up…

She has already had to have support from OP to get to the point of being accepted into university, as her immediate family don’t value exams. They have probably been waiting for her to get pregnant as that is their norm and probably only thing they think their daughter should be doing. How much support will she get from them if in later life she says she wants to start her university life. They will probably understand it even less then.

And how are they going to pay their way whilst bringing up baby? Dad is only in £6ph that doesn’t go far, especially as he probably spends most of it down the pub.

For those saying that is what most university students do, in fact many students have to have jobs just to get by at university as the loan very rarely covers rent. So won’t be spending every night down the pub (or if they are they will probably be behind the bar!)

I noticed some references to the fact she’s an adult, at 19 technically she is but if you have anything near the same level of maturity at 19 as you do at 29 you are doing something wrong. Yes, decisions like this are the responsibility of the people who make them but I think it’s important not to step back too soon, if you think something is going to hurt someone’s life chances a lot I think you owe it to them not to fake enthusiasm. The more I read the responses from OP the more I worry that this guy isn’t maybe all that good of a guy, the comment about the dinner on the table is a bit chilling. It’s not the traditional aspect, more power to you if you’re into this, it’s the expectation aspect. My mother smiled through a lot of poor and sometimes dangerous life choices and looking back I wish she hadn’t. Protect your young people, they will believe you if you say it’s all fine.

I still think it could turnout well, but it there is even a whiff of coercion or abuse you need to do your best to be straight with her. Child at 19, potentially no problem- maybe good; child with abusive partner - terrible

Apprenticeships are usually only a couple of years. He'll be likely earning quite a bit more soon presumably?

Ah so a uni student would be better because they're not in the pub but they're skint. Okay noted.

The fact is he's working, in a trade which is positive when you've got a child to pay for. I don't see why people can't accept that.

I get where you're coming from, OP.

Women are already on the back foot, and it doesn't sound like the dad is the type to hold her up or maintain her ambition.

Having said that, I studied with a few women who had children whilst at university - might this avenue be explored? I don't know about now, but at the time there was a lot of childcare options available and they made it work around studying. See what can be done.

Much better than taking her foot off the gas completely.

I don’t think the issue is the apprenticeship on its own—I would be just upset at my uni-bound teenager getting pregnant with an apprentice as I would if she got pregnant with a uni student who worked part-time in a coffee shop.

It sounds like she's early enough, if she's just told close relatives, that she could indeed undo it. But anyway, there's a difference between presenting a realistic best case scenario to the niece (including the huge amount of work needed to get there) and telling OP that she shouldn't be sad because this will all clearly be absolutely brilliant for her niece.

Because I lived long enough to see this case over and over happening.
I saw this mistake being made at the time by two friends who are now divorced and I know see this with some young women starting their lives, some at work, some being my friends DD. It doesn't work.

The OP's niece is a bright intelligent young woman who wants to expand her horizons travelling the world. She will never be happy stuck at home while her partner waste the family money in drink with his mates.

I'm that person who two decades ago decided to go travelling the world, have a career and made my new home in a foreign country. I also met my DH in that country and have 3 DC. I never left my career. I know what the OP's nice wants, she is prepared to work hard and live a full life. That's incompatible with her boyfriend's life view.

Have you got your own children op? You seem massively over invested in your niece's life. Are you a bit put out by her pregnancy? Or, a bit jealous maybe?

I would be disappointed, too. The harsh reality is that her life will be very, very different now. No matter what previous posters are saying. What does your half-sister think? And have you had a chat with your niece about it? She may be excited but that might just be the initial surprise before she's actually had a chance to think about the realities of being a teen mum in a traditional setting. If you are that close to her, maybe have a chat with her first to see how she is really feeling. But I definitely agree with you. Don't let the other posters drag you down. There is no right or wrong time to have a baby but each circumstance is different, and for this one, I think it's not the right time.

I was constantly brought up with 'don't settle down early, you'll throw your life away' with this constantly in my head I always searched for something better! I'm not alone and a single parent in my 40s! I wish I hadn't listened to adults thinking they knew better and just did what I wanted to make me happy.

@Ottervision I wouldn’t be impressed if DS (who is 19) told me he was going to be a dad, and he is a university student.

Surely if you are responsible enough to have a baby at 19 you should both be responsible to finance such a decision. Neither niece or boyfriend sent to be currently in that position.

Mostly populated by stay-at-home mums?! I see more negativity towards stay-at-home mums on Mumsnet than I’ve ever seen on any other website. “You’re a bad example to your children and a waste of your education and contribute to horrible cultural norms and you’re going to end up starving on the street when your husband empties the whole bank account to spend it on cocaine and his secret girlfriend!”

I can see where you're coming from OP, I really can. But, this could be the making of her, not everything planned in life happens. If she has the drive then she will succeed.

But, art galleries really are so unbelievably boring.

Op, I’d be equally as disappointed if my nieces/daughter was in this situation.

The only thing you can do is continue to be her rock. Hopefully when the time arises she can go back to studying with your support.

Theres no denying it, her life had completely changed course. Hopefully she can find some peace and happiness in it.

Why would being a teenage mum be the naming of her. Could end up living a life of drudgery as many in her get peer group are probably going to live. Maybe going to university and travelling could be the making of her and give her social mobility that many of her peers won’t have

Why do you assume she'd be any happier if she went away to university, or backpacked around Australia? Older people put terrible pressure on the young. I suppose we all (especially parents) live vicariously through them. If we didn't spend a year studying art in Florence, or go away to university, we hope they will. But that kind of pressure can have terrible consequences. Many young people feel obliged to do such things, partly to please their parents, partly to keep up with their peers. Often, they don't really want to do them at all. I sometimes wonder if that explains the university suicides you often read about. It isn't so much that the student can't keep up with the work, more that they've been pressured into living a life they didn't choose.

Take the recent case of girl who was studying modern languages at Bristol. In her second year, she moved to Italy, where she killed herself. I remember looking at her photo in the paper and wondering if that poor girl had only gone to Italy to please her parents (can't you just hear her mum telling her friends that "Chloe is having such a nice time in Milan" etc). Or maybe she just liked the idea of living in Italy. After all, it looks so great on social media, doesn't it? In reality, she suffered from social anxiety, found the whole thing overwhelming, became desperately lonely, and then sank into depression.

I do see what you mean, of course. I know a very bright and ambitious girl who married an ignorant oaf. Again, nice enough guy, but just so ignorant and dull – never read a book or visited an art gallery, content to swig beer and 'banter' (ugh) with the lads. I can't see it lasting. After five years she'll be bored to death. He'll never want to go anywhere or do anything except sit in Weatherspoons and watch the rugby.

Still, cleverness isn't everything. Maybe they laugh a lot. Maybe he's kind and sweet to her. You can be a professor of fine arts and yet a vile, selfish, charmless arse. Also, she's very young. These days, you can do a degree or re-train in something at any age.

This is how I feel I don't regret having children and if I could do it all again I would. I would not want my daughter's to get pregnant so young it would devastated me.

Had kids at 28 and 31, as a licensed attorney. Still taking umbrage. Quit acting like only women who had kids young could possibly be offended by this.

Yeah of course. But they're not and it's happened so....? They have to deal with op. Op slagging of the boyfriend isn't going to make this go away and it isn't going to help her niece.

It's a small positive that he's got a job that will probably end up with a decent salary. It's better than him being a uni student in terms of finance.

Ok. Perhaps you should have got your crystal ball out sooner and prevented this since you know them both so intimately.

I think I'd feel the same OP... but she might do all those exciting things she wants to do a bit later on in life?

Of course it doesn’t. I can’t see how so many are missing this.