Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I think you have misread this (although I can see why you might have): it’s more that an ambitious and bright girl is going to be so stifled and limited in a family where women are expected to take very traditional roles.

That environment is never going to bring out the best in her.

Whilst it might not be ideal - I admit I wouldn't be over the moon if my children became parents at that age - life isn't set in stone. With a baby, it might be a bit harder for her to study etc, but it can be done. She will have the best chances with a supportive family to help her out, which it sounds as though she has?

You say the boy's family has old fashioned views, but why do you think she'll adopt the same outlook?

She’s judging them on their behaviours. On spending their free time in the pub and thinking meals are something the wimmenz put on the table for when they get home. That’s reasonable.

Someone’s job wouldn’t bother me though, or the fact they don’t go to uni.

I would rather someone worked in McDonald’s and brought home a regular wage, than someone who doesn’t work or is always flipping between jobs and can’t be relied on to help with the bills.

And if she likes art galleries and learning languages it’s hard to see what she would have in common with someone who finds those things boring. Common interests matter a lot in a successful marriage/LTR.

As I said before what uni student doesn't spend their free time in the pub?

If he continues when the baby is here, yeah judge him. Until then, normal behaviour for his age surely? What is it you think he should be doing instead?

Also the tea on the table is his family. Not him. Judge him if/when he acts like that with the niece..right now it's an assumption.

Im with you OP. OH had similar with his niece. Pregnant young by accident by a man who is currently unemployed.

No uni now and no career in place. Has never travelled and now won’t have the money to travel for some time.

Sorry, do you want to elaborate on that? What are you trying to imply there?

Again, you have no idea that's the situation until it happens. You're assuming it will.

Come on, OP. In the nicest possible way get a grip!! She’s not thrown her life away she’s taken a different path… for now. I did the whole uni thing, I travelled I became a vet. There is nothing that I long for more than to have a family and I may not get the chance. You can travel with children, yes it is different but that doesn’t mean it’s worse.

If she is as great as you say, it’ll all work itself out. She will be fine

You know this is not actually the end of her hopes and dreams and life right?

I do see where you are coming from but it’s her life and it’s great that she is grounded and intelligent, that will serve her well as a young mum.
I’d keep any negativity completely hidden if I were you and I’m sure you will feel excited and happy for her in time.

When I clicked on this thread I was expecting to read about involvement in serious crime, or maybe joining a cult. Instead it is about a young woman getting pregnant! Life changing of course but hardly life ruining, one of the advantages of having children when you are young is that you have the energy and then later you have many years to do other things. There is no ideal age to have a child. Take a big step back, be happy for her and her partner and enjoy the baby when it arrives.

The most all round successful couple I know started in the same circumstances. They're older now but by mid 40s both kids were through uni, working and living out the home, they owned their own successful business and were at a stage they could start to relax.

Nothing is written in stone

No, I dont think anybody could tell.

I don't know what's wrong with a tradesman - the ones I know work for themselves and earn more than most professionals I know.

I completely see why you’re disappointed.

BUT your ambitions for your niece and her ambitions are two separate things. The ambitions we have as kids are nice to think about, but sometimes when adulthood arrives, the old ambition is not what you want. Please try to model some flexibility for her and show some optimism and genuine excitement for her.

If you’re not careful you’re going to come off as sneering about her new life!

some of the happiest and most successful women I know had kids young.

@AlliumLake I don't understand your comment.
Doing an apprenticeship means you are learning a specific trade and gaining the relevant qualifications/licences to do that trade.
It's very different to "having any job".

I totally understand. If my son came home at 19 and said his girlfriend was pregnant, i'd be devastated for him and would totally feel like he was throwing his life away.

There’s nothing wrong with a tradesman. It’s whether he and the OP’s niece have anything in common. We already know he doesn’t share her interest in art galleries and cultural stuff. His being a tradesman does not preclude him being interested in those things obviously. But we know he doesn’t.

My older sister had a kid when she was a teenager. The relationship ended, and she went to uni as an older student, and then ended up working around the world with the son as a single parent and eventually settling in the US. It doesn't have to be the end of ambition, if she wants it that bad she'll find a way.

Very snobby attitudes about apprenticeships on this thread 🙁

OP perhaps neice isn't as ambitious and driven as you believe (or she led on), and is infact pretty content with a fairly simple life?

If she really had a strong desire to experience the world etc surely a less cultured piece of man candy wouldn't so easily stop her?

Truth is we all express desires to do xyz without any real intention of following them though.

I had my son at 40. I did all the nice things, but if I could go back in time and do it over I'd have 6 kids much younger. She's not thrown her life away.

Deary me... I thought you meant she had committed suicide. The most OTT post I've ever read on here.

There is nothing you can do. She has made a decision to shelve her uni/career plans and keep her child. She will probably go on to have more children and live a very pedestrian life as so many people do. Perhaps you could try and brain storm ideas with her in the future to find a way to continue to study alongside motherhood. Are you on a position to offer some childcare?

I get the disappointment. I think people are mainly reacting to the 'chucked her life away' bit, which is well over-dramatic and judgemental.

19 is a young age to make any of these huge decisions about what you want your life to be. And it sounds like the relationship might not last or be particularly fulfilling or supportive of a career.

On the plus side, 19 is a young age, which means she has lots of time. Has she said she's giving up university, OP? Potentially, she could still go, even with a baby. Universities usually have some kind of childcare and study at home options so it's not impossible. Maybe you could help with babysitting and support? At least at 19, she might have the energy for babies and work! I was practically superhuman at that age.