Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

To add context, I had my daughter when I was 22. Granted I'd already graduated from uni but although it was very difficult being a young mom, I wouldn't change it for the world. My life was far from being over, I carved out a successful career for myself and now my daughter is 20 and we have such a lovely relationship. I can also enjoy my 40's child free, which I'm very grateful for. Your niece sounds lovely and I'm sure everything will work out just fine! Congrats on the pregnancy, you can look forward to being a devoted gran aunt!!

I am in the same position 19 year old niece expecting and I feel very sad for her

No. Someone put the cat among the pigeons. And got the predictable reaction. The idea that worth and success are tied up with being economically active, or having a job (most of us do not have careers) is deeply regressive and misogynistic.

so is the idea that women’s worth and success are tied up with having children.

People on this thread are insane. You're not unreasonable at all. You can grieve for a life you hoped for someone and also be supportive of their current reality.
Also, being supportive doesn't have to equal agreeing with those choices!

I baffled by the comments that the boyfriend has "no ambition".
He's doing an apprenticeship.
That's the opposite of having no ambition.
Learning a trade that could potentially set you up for life.....how awful 😂

Uh, an apprentice who works for his dad and is otherwise to be found in the pub or being waited on hand and foot by his mother? Not rocket science to see he’s a crappy match for am ambitious young woman with a university place and plans to live abroad?

The idea that worth and success are tied up with being economically active, or having a job (most of us do not have careers) is deeply regressive and misogynistic.

Thats true but the reality is that women who are unable to support themselves financially are forced to rely on the good character and good intentions of a man. This is a highly risky position to be in. Particularly a man who doesn’t sound ambitious or motivated.

I don’t think it’s misogynistic to care about a woman’s financial health.

That really isn’t the opposite of ‘no ambition’. I mean, are we regarding ‘having any job’ as evidence of ambition now?

Make sure she continues and takes up this place then. Support her to talk to the uni about what is available to ensure access, how taking breaks from the course might work, what other accomodation options there are that she can live with her baby. Do they have student mentors who have been through the same thing?

Depending on the course she might have most of the bulk of the y1 coursework done before birth. This might focus her to really make the most of the academic opportunity. Some hellishly tired months but then come October she might be feeling more human ready for Y2.

If it is still her dream you are best placed to show her the door is still ajar.

Lol, okay. You've never dated anyone slightly different than you? You know love isn't logical right. They're both young! Some people are nothing like their parents. You have no idea whether he's the one for her or not.

Again with the sneering at apprentices. I just don't get it. Pure snobbery.

Yes. There are some deeply strange responses on the thread, as though a woman’s ability to support herself financially is somehow akin to being Gordon Gekko.

As was your clickbait title, knowing full well people would think she had committed suicide. Disgraceful.

I’d mind my own bloody business!

You seem not only overly invested but very privy to all the goings on of her bf’s family, their attitudes, their thoughts.

Give your niece plenty of love and support but also get yourself a hobby.

And lol at getting a university place making you better than someone doing an apprenticeship. Practically anyone can get into university these days. It's not special anymore. It's just an option like an apprenticeship is. Also people who are genuinely very clever, aren't like unable to socialise with or even love people who don't have the same qualifications as them.

Such a bizarre viewpoint. What a sad life if you only socialised with people just like you.

I didn’t immediately assume that.

I am completely shocked at the amount of people who seemed to think that they would be delighted if their ambitious, intelligent, go getting, 19 year old niece or daughter suddenly got pregnant to a loser with a misogynist upbringing! Of course you're upset up: she will have a completely different life, one with a lot less autonomy. She'll be on here in 20 years time saying exactly as you have that she has chucked her life away. If the young man in question had more about him I think that would be less likely.

If it doesn't work out they'll be saying 'weren't there any signs' and 'why did you choose to have a baby with him'.

That really isn’t the opposite of ‘no ambition’. I mean, are we regarding ‘having any job’ as evidence of ambition now

Agree with this. Nothing wrong with an apprenticeship but it’s not exactly the pinnacle of ambition.

He doesn’t sound like an especially driven or motivated individual either and if he spends all his time in the pub it doesn’t bode well.

She’ll get bored. I give it 18 months after the baby arrives and she will be off.

Its not "any job" though is it. He's presumably learning a trade. Do you have any idea what tradesman can earn? It's a clever move imo. Family business as well. He'll be more well off than a lot of uni goers in a few years I'd put money on it. How do you think they afford to have so many SAHMs in the family?

Don't despair, OP, it's possible for her to pick up uni once the child is in school - I was at uni in the 60's and was surprised to find a mature student in my department who had waited until her child was school age to do her degree

Not snobbery. My dad is a retired mechanic. DH’s dad is a retired stone mason. The extended family has two plumbers and an electrician. I was the first of my family to go to university, and knew perfectly well that getting into a relationship, far less getting pregnant by, an apprentice who works for his dad would have been a poor idea for someone who planned to do postgrad work overseas and make a life that didn’t involve staying local.

This thread has shown how judgemental and nasty some people can be about anyone who doesn't go to uni or follow the middle class life path of marrying a man in IT or middle management and having babies at 41. Christ.

I can see the disappointment - I'd be privately concerned and disappointed if it was one of my DD.

However we had our kids married to years starting at 28 and 30 and every pg someone in the family acted like it was the end of the world. We met at 18 and 20 and family always though we'd break up and even after marriage and kids were constantly having better/perfect family friends couple point out to us all of who over the years have separated. Every career move DH made that IL haven't welcomed been made my fault not what it actually was decision he made.

My IL themselves had Dh young 20-21 but where child free and mortgage free by early 40s and have spent decades since traveling. Though my sister did change uni for her then bloke leaving at a house with him a non student but they lasted 8 years before he left her when pg - she was bitter for a while thinking about care free student life she never had - but she happy now.

What I'm saying is path may be different to one you expected her to take but doesn't mean that eventually it's not better for her.

It is snobbery. You can say its not all you want but that's exactly what it is. Too good for a tradesman. That's fine, your choice. But it is snobbery. You're judging this lad on his family and one thing about him. Gross.

YANBU

I had a child young and I missed out on a lot.

I would be absolutely devastated if my DD had a child young (or any of my nieces/nephews).

You are only young once and you should spend it having fun with friends, staying up late, travelling, trying new things, focusing on getting a good career etc.

I would not change my child for the world but I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t miss out on things because I absolutely did.
My child was/is also at a disadvantage because I was so young. I also didn’t have a good career so financially she missed out too.

I completely understand why you’d be so upset but the only thing you can do is be supportive and try and help her out as much as possible.