Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Tbh, I get you. I would’ve been very upset had this happened to my daughter age 19. We would’ve made the best of it but there is no doubt I would’ve been devastated knowing the change in her life and responsibility and how different her life would be. Those posters claiming it’s nothing to be upset about are being disingenuous. Even if all works out great and your kids are wonderful etc etc, having a baby as a teenager with no home of your own is not ideal. Especially with a partner who was uninterested in the wider world. However, your niece may have accepted how her life will change, she may be thinking of her baby and how she’ll be a great mother. Just support her the best you can-maybe have a heart to heart about her goals in life and what she wants out of it. It may be different from what you want for her-and try to put aside your disappointment for her sake.

For what it's worth, I agree with everything you've said. It doesn't sound like she is going to be fulfilled with that boy and it's unlikely to last. Hopefully, when the baby is old enough she can pick up where she left off. Just continue with your support. You sound like a great auntie.

I think it's more the culture and attitude that is bred from the environment apprentices are thrown into.

I work on a large site and interact with a significant number of tradesman as well as university educated engineers/IT staff etc. The work area and meetings involving tradesman have very much laddish culture where thick skin and ability to withstand 'banter' are essential .

There is no way those behaviours would be tolerated in the slightest in the meetings involving the engineers/IT staff, which is very corporate professional.

Both groups perform their jobs effectively, and are perfectly pleasant in one ot one discussions, but let's not kid ourselves on that their isn't a difference in culture.

Also on a side note you will equally find a type of snobbery (or shunning) from trades people towards those with uni degrees. A kind of 'you think you're better than us because you went to uni' chip on many a shoulder.

This is why you shouldn’t be friends with families you aren’t willing to let your kids marry into. Look you know she’s chosen a loser - the only thing you can do now is to be there for her. Support her.

“Has anyone experienced this pain?”

Are you serious?

You seem to have been vicariously living your nieces present and projected future life. It’s her life, not yours.

I can understand being temporarily shocked, but she’s going to be a mother, and that’s HER CHOICE. It hasn’t been foisted on her.

I think you need a hobby.

I agree with you OP and people who don’t are just defensive.

All the travelling I’ve done, the experiences and opportunities I’ve had through work, the friendships I’ve made. I don’t ever want my kids to be the best thing I’ve done with my life.

Corianm

I was you, disappointed with my DN being 8 months pregnant at her 18th birthday party.
Feeling she was 'throwing her life away'

Fast forward to today - she works in a high level job in education. Her daughters have all been to Uni and have found employment in their respective fields and her partner is a wonderful caring man.

Be supportive, they may surprise you

But why are you disappointed for her? She hasn't had the child yet, you have no idea what the future holds for the three of them. He could step up and be the most amazing father ever, and if he isn't, that's for your niece to deal with. I had my first child when I was 21. It actually spurred me on to chase success, not just for me, but for my daughter. If your niece is half as smart as you say she is, then she's probably formulating a plan for her future right now.

And art galleries are boring to some people, that doesn't make him ignorant. it's ignorant to say we should all find joy in the same things.

My DM used to say 'don't get pregnant without a plan, it will ruin your life'. So you're not alone in thinking this OP.

Now there are worse things than a baby, but your life will never be the same again, and at 19 I think that is something you can't really understand. For goodness sake, her brain hasn't even fully formed.

OP said: I am disappointed for her.

This may have already been said but I haven't RTFT.

I am disappointed for her to have an aunt like you. Disgusting.

It doesn’t bode well for them having common interests. Which are important in a LTR.

@Corianm I feel for you, it’s so sad when this happens. Unfortunately it’s probably because she’s such a sweet, kind and lovely young that she’s seen the best in this guy. That’s why my heart sinks when I meet women like this, they are vulnerable to pleasing others to the point of hiding their own desires even to themselves.

One thing to bear in mind is that while he seems like he’ll always like the quiet ignorant life he will probably grow a lot too in the coming years. If he’s kind and not abusive then in my opinion she is genuinely already well ahead of the game. He has a point about galleries, they can be very boring

She is so so young that there’s every chance she will be able to develop a career and her own other interests and really value them because she has a family. Look at Angela Rayner, sounds like your niece has lots more going for her than she did and she is about to be second in command for the whole country.

@squitnha said: people who don’t are just defensive.

Nope.

(Don't need to be 😉)

Again, this is so idealised and out of line with what all the published research shows are the most likely outcomes for women who become mothers in their teens. Does it happen? Yes - mostly to middle class women whose families have both the economic ability and the desire to support them significantly. Is it the most likely outcome for the specific scenario OP is asking about? Not by a long way.

This. She had a chance at a really interesting and rewarding life and career. She's effectively blown that by having a baby at 19 with someone with what sounds like a very narrow perspective and ambitions. Sorry if you don't like that but I quite understand why OP is gutted.

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable @Corianm

Hopefully the boyfriend will step up, but having watched my own DSister have DNephew at 19, I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s hard, and in your shoes I’d be sad for her too.

DSis relied heavily on my DPs, who were thankfully very supportive, stayed living at home and had a string of crap boyfriends while feeling lonely at not having a Dad for DN (one night stand, sadly).

I see this so often in terms of how much harder it is for working class kids who are bright and ambitious to make it, there are so many more barriers.

I’d suggest some practical steps. Do you have funds to take DNiece away before she’s too late in her pregnancy? Take her on holiday to Rome or Florence for a long weekend. See the sights and visit the Uffizi. When the baby arrives, and she’s recovered, take a day off work, put the baby in the pram and go with DNiece on the train to the National Gallery or Tate Britain. Keep that flame of interest alive for your DN. Make it a regular thing that you two and the baby go on outings up to town together. Get her a prospectus for the Open University.

If you all live in London she has far more options. She could do a degree in the evenings at Birkbeck; could you offer to babysit a bit?

On a positive note, my DSis in her twenties got herself to uni to do nursing. With a lot of help from my DPs she did her degree, and is now earning really well as a nurse. She has a nice partner with slightly older DC of his own. Very sadly DSis has a gynae condition meaning she will soon need a hysterectomy in her 30s. Had she left it til her 30s to have children, she may not have had any. So having DN at 19 worked out well in the end, and he’s a wonderful boy who we wouldn’t be without and we all love dearly.

You’re not wrong to be disappointed for her, but be supportive and offer her experiences and breaks away which still allow her to try new things and see a different life.

Stop with the nasty posts about the OP being horrible. Its a bit much. I understand the initial disappointment. You had dreams for your niece because you want the best for her. You can grieve those and recalibrate to support her with this new stage in life. Children are an absolute blessing, but let's not pretend that it doesn't take an enormous amount of work to raise a child. It is genuinely difficult to do things like travel, study etc meet new people with a young baby. That is a practical reality. Of course, having a baby isn't the end and a horrible sentence, but it's just a different path, and it takes time to come to terms with that. All the best OP.

Well we had a lot bigger problems in our family at that time so tbh I'd have been bloody over the moon if a younger than planned pregnancy of my niece was the worst we had on our plate.

Seriously OP yes it's not ideal or the original plan but hey ho life happens, curveballs appear, she needs your support, there will be a gorgeous new baby to look forward to in the family, and she has the rest of her life to change plans, go to uni, travel and whatever else. Pregnancy might be a lot kinder to her body and easier to recover from too if she is pregnant at a young-ish age.

You have to find the silver linings and be grateful for what you have.

Well, the teen is now pregnant - she can't undo that. So may as well present positive outcomes. They do exist and are more likely to happen if teen is surrounded by people who believe in her. Good grief!

It is a painful lesson for you to learn, but however much you love someone, you have no say in how they live their life, unless they let you. It is hard to watch them make terrible mistakes and have to learn the hard way, and may be have to struggle to regain the advantages they once had, or even actually throw their life away. All you can do is be there, when they need you, and support them when they realise their mistake, if it does turn out to be a mistake.

I get it, @Corianm .

Is it possible for her to defer entrance to her accepted course for a gap-year?
(Think of it as period in which she is expectant and gives birth to her little bundle of joy, followed by a spell of what would equate to 'maternity leave' if she had otherwise been in employment .... indeed a lengthier one than some working mothers have the chance to enjoy.)

If she has your encouragement to follow her initial ambitions (IF that is still her desire, that she simply hasn't dared utter or consider possible) and has a supportive family, even better, whether or not this includes the baby's father for the long-haul.

FIY: When my daughter was in primary school, there were certainly parents of schoolmates who had returned to their degrees + post-grads as mature students, and there seemed to be a lot of advantages to being in education in tandem with their children being in nursery+school, versus those who interrupted (or even ceased) their established careers and life paths to have families later in life, or in some cases suffered regret/difficulty/heartache when ultimately trying to conceive.

Yanbu, in the Real world many, many people wouldn't be jumping for joy about this and I am certain many would be devastated at their 19yo having a baby.
At 19yo, what exactly have you done so far? Have you educated yourself, started a career, plans towards being financially independent, travelled, had experience with relationships, enjoyed being a teen because you still are a teen and just lived life ?
Life for a woman today has progressed SO much in terms of opportunities and freedom. Your DN is in the best position to really make something for herself.
Off course people here are going to say it's a great thing, but in reality she's closed herself off from SO much that there's no guarantee that she will pick up again. Given the type of family her partner is from, she's even more likely to just throw it all away. Poor girl.

And yes I have felt this pain.

I understand where you are coming from … yes it is disappointing to see a young woman have dreams and hopes and then fall into a situation which will make achieving those dreams pretty difficult. I think it’s ok for you to express this but it has obviously riled some people becasue you are seeing her enter young motherhood as having ‘thrown her life away’. In a way you are right because of the restrictions these bring but it is done now. The best way forward is to stay in her life and encourage her in her ambitions as a curious and open minded young woman who will also be a mother and partner and she can also have ambitions in these roles

@Meadowwild but the majority of people around her probably think having a baby at 19 is the thing to do, not go to university (at any point of time in your life).So she already has had to work hard to get to the point of going to university, as not the norm amongst her peer group, now making it even harder with a baby in tow