Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Why doesn’t she just have an abortion? Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you have to have a baby.

I know what you mean OP. It doesn't sound like the life your neice would have chosen for herself. Despite the experience of the posters who had their children very young and went on to have amazing careers and lives, it's very much against the odds to be able to manage that.

All you can do is continue to be supportive.

Maybe she doesn't want one and is happy to be having a baby. OP is the one who isn't happy.

Capable young woman picks crap bloke, and friend/relative finds it hard to shrug off.

That's really the story here.

We hear plenty of it on MN - 'I really dislike my best friend's husband', 'My sister's DP is useless and totally enmeshed with his parents', 'I'm exhausted with DH's behaviour, it's like having another child around', 'On maternity leave and DP still lives like an unemployed student' etc.

Why some women make these choices is complex and often rooted in family dynamics and learned/internalised behaviour. MN normally offers good support - but not necessarily on an early hours AIBU. The Relationships board is better.

I think you might be projecting your idea of success based on your own life. It's easy to do. I was also the first in my working class family to go to university and cringe at how I spoke about it being the be all and end all to my cousins at the time.

With more experience, I can see that a life remaining in my hometown wasn't some sort of purgatory I believed it would be at 18.

Sure, one of my cousins did get pregnant early to an idiot but they split up, she worked on her career and is now very happy, successful and about to marry the man of her dreams who cares for her kid.

I also know people who went to uni or travelled and felt lonely throughout. One friend met a supposedly great guy from a well-off background at uni who is now stealing her fertile years while he 'isn't ready for kids yet but will be one day'.

There are advantages to having a child young as well as the obvious disadvantages. Your niece sounds like a bright girl and will find her own path to happiness

May I ask what your niece's mother (your sister) thinks? Just curious!

im sure if she had got pregnant by a well off 19 year old uni student them this thread would have gone differently.

It’s certainly a big part of the conversation, more relevant now than ever. A university degree is generally advantageous, in terms of earning potential. Having a significant amount of disposable income makes life more comfortable and enjoyable, we all know this.

My mum was supposed to be the first in the family to go to university. Had big dreams, ambitions, everything.

Then fell pregnant with me at 17, to a man who then was in prison when I was born. She was a single parent for half of my childhood (rightfully sacking off my dad - an option your niece also has). We have a tight bond.

I was the first in my family to go to university. But, a few years later she was the second, and got her degree through the OU. She changed career to something she loves in her 40s. She's travelling, with a career and money behind her. And now she's older, rather than worrying about her own children, she gets to dote on grandchildren, and give them back.

Teenage pregnancy is not ideal. It's certainly not something I wanted for myself. But it's not the end of her life.

She hasn't chucked her life away. She may just do the things she wanted in a different order. She can go to university still. My friend after divorce and a life of admin jobs went to the USA aged 60 and had a fab five years working as a nanny and travelling. Only come home now because didn't want to work solely to cover medical insurance costs.

Maybe becoming a family will encourage both parents to introduce their DC to new experiences and they will grow together as a family?
Are you always a glass half full kind of person?

Which are you more disappointed about OP?
That she won't go to university or she won't get to swan around Italy learning Italian?
She lives in London - there's universities in London so she can have the baby and still go to university.
The travel....bit more difficult but not having the baby doesn't mean that will still happen. I had places I wanted to see when I was 19 - doesn't everyone? But it's never happened. Not because I had a baby at 19 (I was 33 😂). I still dream about going to some places but to be honest - there's more important things in life. Nice if you get to go.....but not vital.
Her plan has changed..... doesn't mean it's completely cancelled.

I would feel the same as you OP.

But there's nothing you can do. You just need to be there for her when she realizes her mistake.

It is such a shame that women so young can get pregnant but they can and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

Never put on a pedestal?
She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way.
you sure?

Is she still going to take up her university place, OP? Encourage that, strongly. I’m an academic and we do have support, crèche places etc for students with children.

Also, I can’t see that you’ve said whether it’s too late to encourage her to terminate.

She has time on her side. In a couple of years she will realise that her un ambitious, dull witted BF isn’t growing and developing into a rounded person whose interests and curiosity match hers. That is the time when she will need your support to think about what else she wants out of her life, and what she can do to secure her child’s social, financial and emotional future. Nothing wrong with University or another route into professional work as a mature student, a lot to be said for it actually.

She will make it, they don’t call it loves young dream for nothing, and most of us wake up when the coffee starts brewing.

Yes, a dear friends child always wanted better, she was joining the police, getting an apartment in the city and escaping from our small, rural village. Pregnant, kid, part time cleaner, waste of space partner. I get it. She seems happy so I suppose the feelings of regret are all mine.

Your mum sounds fab @TurnipMuncher. I also know a family like yours where the mum who had got pregnant (to a horrible thug of a man) at 17 went to uni in her forties at the same time as her daughter. The moral seems to be don't tie yourself to a lousy man as 'provider' out of desperation - get out and fend for yourself, make the best of the situation.

I thought your niece had committed suicide

I actually thought that too. Thank goodness it's happy news instead.

Pro choice works both ways
No women should be forced to continue a pregnancy they don't want
Equally they should be supported if they want to continue the pregnancy.

OP i can totally understand your apprehension for your niece who you obviously care for and think a lot of.
But…sometimes, actually nearly all the time things work out how they are meant to! I have friends who had kids young, 18,19,20 all fab mums who are now 40’s with grown up kids looking forward to one day being young grandparents, with great grandparents still about.
I also have friends who’ve left starting a family till very late 30’s early 40’s, nearly all have had to go through the emotional roller coaster of IVF, donor eggs etc. plus ageing parents who are needing more and more support.
Your niece will be fine with you on her side.

To be perfectly honest op I know someone who poo pooed her home town, still does at 60. She wanted to see the world, go to art college, and not live the meat and two veg life of her parents.

She met an Aussie in London, another arty type, they went to Aus, and lives in a dumpy part due to lack of funds because they are "artists" and can't do boring labour like boring people. He carves stuff, she does some shopping work to suppprt her art. I don't think she's sold a picture for more than a fiver in forty years. She lives in a scruffy, tiny house, has a truck, three kids who work in the equivalent of minimum wage jobs, is always skint and moans a lot although she would moan if she won the lottery.

The shallow boring girls she left behind in the UK, married tradesmen. They have nice homes, nice lives and nice holidays but mostly are happy with their lot.

Breaking away doesn't always work out so well although I accept the person I describe is but one example and many do it successfully.

I used to work with a doctor who had given birth at 17. Yes life will not be the one you thought it would be but it doesn't mean she cannot achieve or that she won't achieve.

Well, ok, 19 is awfully young to be embarking on parenthood. And the father of this unborn child might or might not turn out to be optimal dad material. We don’t know. My guess is being pregnant might feel like an adventure akin to the anticipated travel and uni’ experience. She’s gen Z and, for that generation, the future does not have very solid guarantees. Uni’ won’t guarantee a great job or material security. Maybe art and culture don’t seem as relevant if you aren’t clear about how you get a home. Yes, one would imagine that bringing a new life into all that uncertainty is questionable logic, but a new life is also a very concrete thing. Maybe she’s rejecting the messages about doing the expected things? Not becoming a mum and housewife in my 20s but instead starting a degree at 24 was my rebellion. Had I been born into a world where the reverse expectations applied, my rebellion might have been to embrace domesticity. Has anyone asked how she feels about becoming a mum? There’s potential for her to grow in her own ways and be a mum if that’s what she wants. She’s at the healthiest time of life to have a baby. Her life is not thrown away, it’s simply on a different track from the one expected.

biscuit

This is not true for the vast majority of women who have children very young. On average their income and education level will be significantly lower for life than their peers who did not have children in their teens. They are significantly more likely to be on benefits - not temporarily, but long-term. Both they and their children are more likely to live in poverty. This is well-established fact, not some sort of prejudice; see, for instance: www.nuffieldtrust.org.uk/resource/teenage-pregnancy#:~:text=Teenage%20mothers%20are%20less%20likely,babies%20born%20to%20teenage%20mothers.

There are some women (and almost all of them seem to post on MN!) who have babies in their teens and go on to get advanced qualifications, have dazzling careers and travel the world. That is not the statistical likelihood by a long way, and a good proportion of those who do manage it will have exceptional levels of family support to do so.