Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I don't get the pile on here, it's understandable, I grew up in a really rough area, lots of girls pregnant at 14 and 15 and I was terrified it would happen to me so was super cautious with contraception. Your whole world has to shift and it doesn't sound like she's with the greatest guy.

I get it - sounds very disappointing after all her work and plans to expand her world.

The lure of love has impacted many dreams - boys and girls but especially girls.

I would be feeling sad for her too....💐

However she sounds like she has got lots of energy / intelligence and she'll probably be ok. xxx

I understand your feelings OP and the hopes you had for her. Quite possibly though, she was perhaps projecting a future for herself that she liked to talk and fantasise about (maybe as a way to relate to you?) but in reality preferred to go with what was familiar and comfortable to her. All you can do is hope she remains as happy with her choice in the future and doesn't become bitter and resentful about lost opportunities.

I also think people on here are nuts/being disingenuous. In RL not many would be thrilled at their 19 year old getting pregnant.

We were young parents...our dc were born when I was 21, 23 and 30. Nearly two decades later and it's all worked out fine - dh and I still together, happily married, decent careers and incomes, bla bla. But my word, we've had to fight and strive for everything we have and the addition of dc being present throughout nearly the whole journey has made it HARD. So much harder than most of our friends who had a good 5-10 years working, saving, setting up life without having dc.

When I look back at myself at age 20, getting pregnant (intentionally!) with my boyfriend of three years I just can't even relate. It seems like a different person and I honestly have no idea why the fuck we did it or thought that was the best thing to do. It's amazing how mature you think you are in late teens/early 20's and you don't realise just how immature and stupid you were until years later.

quite happy living quite an ignorant life 🙄

Superiority complex OP?

Hmm, this is definitely a downer- He's probably not going to stick around. {Given his youth and booze habits.

I do understand why you are disappointed, but it's her life to lead...she obviously wants to have a baby otherwise she'd be using contraception , or would have gone for the morning after pill or early termination.

She probably has no idea how a ''baby'' will impact on her life.

Childcare expenses are insane nowadays, and the boyfriend if he's on £6 per hour... that's pretty dire factoring in the price of beer.

I agree with you. She is crazy to be having a baby so young when she had so many plans.

I guess it is an accident, as so many are, which is even sadder and crazier.

Agree. The comment re find art galleries boring made me chuckle. I'm a 30 odd year old woman who also finds art galleries boring, shoot me now!

Yes - although my son has sufficient SEN that we need to home educate, so not sure how much the career-building (and savings cushion!) will count by the time I have finished a decade of that....

Having a baby at 19 will definitely be hard and bring money worries (though having one at 30 doesn't guarantee smooth-sailing and wealth!) , however it is not a death sentence, and there are some upsides (even if you don't feel they are balanced by the down). One of the upsides will be the actual baby!

OP you sound like a wonderful, caring Auntie who has a special bond with your Niece. You have every right to be disappointed at what’s happened especially since you’ve been helping her make quite obviously concrete plans to help realise her dreams of travelling abroad and studying. Feeling this way isn’t wrong or means you’re trying to live vicariously through her as some have suggested. Importantly of course feeling this was doesn’t mean you can’t also be supportive and show happiness towards her baby news. I’m sorry you’ve recieved so many negative comments. I personally think she is very lucky to have you in her life, and as long as you don’t make her think she’s failed in some way, you can still remain a very positive influence. Life will be harder for her now no doubt, but sounds like she will be an incredible Mum, and just try to be there for her through this new direction with the same enthusiasm you did for her more adventurous career & travel plans even if that requires a little more emotional effort on your part! I wish her well in motherhood, and hopefully her previously adventurous outlook will also rub off a little on her partner, so perhaps the pattern can even be broken a little in terms of the old fashioned gender roles. You obviously only care about her happiness, and your job now is to help her feel as happy as possible through her pregnancy and beyond. This baby will be an exciting, amazing & beautiful addition to your family. Sending love.

I don’t think you are being dramatic. You are wise enough to know where this will lead. Hopefully one day she will find the inner strength to not lead her life dictated by her ‘man’. Nothing you can do now except support her and help her make the best of the situation and be ready to pick her up when she needs it.

Could have been written about me.
I had (planned around uni semesters!) our first baby at 19. Everyone, I mean everyone, told me I had ruined my life. Had 3 more children. All with same dad, who I’m still married to despite everyone telling us we’d never last.

Every person who told me I’d ruined my life was the ammunition I needed to fuel an amazing life. We travelled the world, built, bought and sold homes, I earned 5 degrees, we’ve lived in a few different countries and have been happy and healthy. If this was a ruined life then I’ll take it!

This following bit isn’t a brag, this is me being proud after years and years of people telling me that I’d be a bad parent because I was “still a baby” and didn’t know what I was doing. Our eldest son turns 19 in a few weeks. Last month he bought his own first home with an eye watering mortgage, but it’s his, owns a nice car, is the kindest person anyone could meet - has a stable job and girlfriend. My daughter is studying law at uni despite still being in secondary school. My youngest two are just happy people doing their thing. My biggest flex is that my children are not known for being the kids of a teenage mum, they’re known within our small and humble community in Australia as being kind, helpful and consistently making good choices (unlike their mum who got knocked up and ruined her life at 19, haha)…

Just because your niece isn’t doing what you had envisioned, doesn’t mean her life is ruined or over. If she’s as great as you say then she will do just fine.

Same here! My eldest is now 29 and working as a mechanical engineer, despite being born when I was 19. I also went on to have 3 other DC, youngest is 18 now.

Me? I've been to Uni - twice!! My life may have taken a different journey than planned but my DC are my life and I still achieved what I wanted to and I hold down a professional job that I worked hard for.

She has not destroyed her life.

I don’t think you’re being dramatic either. Lots of disingenuousness on here. Plenty of time to start a family later once she’s expanded her horizons, been to uni, got a career, lived abroad etc. What a shame. I’d be sad for her too.

Two of my closest friends were young single mothers and both of them have wonderful lives and careers. One of them has two degrees is top of her field in work and travels regularly with her now 18 year old daughter. The other has is recently married has lots of hobbies and friends and has just finished her degree. You had your chance to live your life the way you wanted now let your niece do the same. Life rarely turns out how you expect. Your niece is happy and healthy and that's all that really matters!

Whats "an ignorant life"

I can see reading all your responses why you are so disappointed.

You’re getting a pasting here but I think I would be the same as you. I love my baby but I am so happy I waited till I was 32 to have him.

Lol ignorant because he doesn’t like art galleries 🤣. From the first post it’s obvious the op looks down on the “council” savages…….

im sure if she had got pregnant by a well off 19 year old uni student them this thread would have gone differently.

Op is a complete snob, she probably just doesn’t realise it.

I feel sorry for your niece, but she's an adult and made a choice, you need to let her walk her own path. Many women had children young and prioritise career later, her "free spirited travelling days for a year abroad to learn Italian" are over, but she's made a choice, maybe you would have made a different one but it's HER choice. He sounds very unsophisticated, uncultured and "meat and potatoes" type of guy.

For all those I was/know a teenage mum who ended up with 5 degrees, a million pound house etc are not the norm. Statistically a teenage mum living in generational poverty is more than likely going to carry on living in generational poverty.

I understand how you feel. I think you might get more sympathetic responses in real life than in a forum like this.
You can be at university with a baby. Maybe she could defer her place and go next year. There are childcare options for students.

The dad doesn't sound great, but there's no guarantee they'll stay together. Continue to support her, she's about to have the most amazing adventure of her life. With the right support and encouragement she'll instill all the wonder and joy for life she has in her child.

Get the feeling that the OP's worries centre around the partner's ability to provide for his pregnant girlfriend and child, rather than the very capable-sounding niece. Which is understandable. A man who drinks and fritters his time away is a terrible bet for parenthood. And worried that her niece is destined to become a single parent - depression is also a factor when you are stuck in poverty with a great deal of potential that you can't easily fulfill. I do understand where she is coming from - the partner will be the drag, rather than the child.

You need to relax and continue to be a supportive aunt. Our kids do things that don't follow the plan we may have had in mind for them, consciously or not. If it turns out to be a mistake, as life turns sometimes do, she will use her innate talent to adapt and cope and move on and learn. That's life. Let's hope this works out for her but if they separate in a year or two (worst case), it'll soon be forgotten. Honestly, worst things happened to my ds and it all passed. Just always be supportive.