Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Your niece is having a baby, she has not "chucked her life away". This isn't 1700, there's no reason she can't go to uni, do an apprenticeship, or have a career just because she's a mother. If you want to actually be supportive, help her to figure out her goals and help her find the tools to achieve them (e.g. government support, student finance, local charity groups)

What if she doesn't see it as a mistake?

This might amaze you, but some women don't actually want to "just have an abortion"

Wow. So wanting your niece to be able to study and travel and have some time before settling down to focus on herself now qualifies as being uppity and up yourself? Surely it's rather the reverse when you want the best for someone else?

Are we all supposed to pretend that being a teen mother is an easy path?

Obviously this thread has touched a nerve with some who have had babies young and no one is disparaging that choice. But in the op's case this young woman had already made plans to study and travel so in all likelihood a baby was not a planned choice. She had other ambitions and it's only natural to feel upset for her that it will be harder for her now to fulfill them.

If it were my daughter (same age) then I would also thing she was wasting so many opportunites by having a baby so young and tying herself to a man that doesn't share her dreams

I'm with you op. Travelling the world living in different Countries experiencing life in your early 20s is completely different than trying to do it when you're older. Then with a baby/toddler, that's going to bring up many difficulties, will the father allow it ?

I've seen it many times where women try to do it all and some who went to uni later in life and are wrecked trying to juggle everything and that's with support not like your niece.

I've seen women who have had babies young, not use their qualifications due to ending up having more children and raising them, some even becoming childcare for their own children and also age becomes an issue when applying for jobs, they say themselves that the younger applicants always get the job.

Also I think it's actually pretty stupid to be sneery about apprenticeships. He's getting paid, excellent because they're about to have a baby. Tradespeople (presuming that's what his apprenticeship will be) are generally pretty well paid generally, can often work more flexibly, will probably always have work.

I'd be happy if my teenager wanted to do an apprenticeship rather than uni, it's not a "less than " choice in today's world where getting a degree no longer equals a good job or salary or career at all.

Op I think you're more disappointed in her than for her. And I sincerely hope she doesn't notice because you'll probably end up being cut out if she does.

Bloody hell. Are you overinvested in a fantasy !
Shes happy. This is not your life

Lots of her plans are unrealistic no anyway. She cant just bugger off to Italy for a year post brexit

You need a reality check

I moved abroad with 2. Children. She can too if thats her aim. Her life isnt over!

Why are you blaming the boy here?

I have a much younger sister. She got pregnant at 17.
Like you, I was disappointed for her as I knew it would make her life much harder. Her boyfriend at the time didn't work and came from a family where generational unemployment was the norm. We had conversations about the future, about travel etc and he made it clear that he had no desire to do anything other than play on his x box.

My sister eventually realised this and left him. Her and the baby (now 4) live with her new boyfriend who is supporting her to set up her own business and has a fabulous work ethic.

Your niece will live a different life to the one you thought she would live but if she's intelligent and switched on she'll still be successful.

FWIW..... my mum and dad were 16 when the had me. I had a wonderful life and I'm now a senior academic and travel the world.
It's not the end of the world for your niece.

Op shouldn't be encouraging her to do anything. She's a grown up who can make her own decisions.

From what you have said your niece sounds like a lovely person. This baby is going to have a wonderful mum. I think that's the thing you should focus your feelings on, how lucky and blessed the baby is.

The baby could be the making of her. It’s not the end of the world. She’s only 19 x

I absolutely agree. I think if you don't come from a WC background you don't quite get it. I also broke the mould (universities/ travelled/ lived abroad/ children in my 30s) & have had a very different life to many of my peers.

My DS is 19. He's flying at university & is travelling for 3 months this summer. I get it OP, THIS is what you wanted for your niece.

My.own lovely niece got unexpectedly pregnant at 20. She went to uni later & now has a professional job & is engaged to a great person 12 years later. BUT it's not been easy & she couldn't travel like her friends. Also I think the difference was she did it on her own with lots of family help, no dancing to the tune of a man who has seemingly little ambition. That makes it very different. I get you OP.

I’m sure all the posters here who are berating you for being sad about your niece’s situation will be the same ones who’ll be telling her to leave him when she comes here to post in 5 years about how her partner never helps with the kids and spends every evening in the pub and admonishing her for not planning her life better when she says she can’t leave because she doesn’t have any skills or higher education or work experience.

This thread is nuts.

Bloody AIBU twattery, hmmmm how can we twist this one? OP MUST BE WRONG AND BAD!

OP give up. I get you. I’d be gutted if this was my DD at only 19, and I know for a fact practically all the professional devils advocates on here would be too!

Yes, OP. Even people who grew up on rough estates. I had my DS at 21. No degree. I had been with my ex-DP for years but he had no ambition and was happy wasting his life in front of a computer screen. I went back to uni when DS was 1 and now I have a successful career in HE. Having a child is definitely an extra and very hard barrier, but there are ways to access the things you want to do (even if it takes longer to achieve)

I think the op cares a lot about her niece. I was a young mum unless you have supportive people around you then it won't work and her niece will live a poor life.

None of us have a crystal ball. He might be a great dad. She might also.... get a job when the baby is 9 months old and gets funded hours at nursery. She might even have family childcare if the SILs and MIL don't work.

It's ops attitude that's the issue. Sure she can be sad but her sneery judgy tone isn't needed at all. Her niece needs support not judgement.

Well, I'm very relieved to find that she's not dead, as your title suggests. FFS.

If she's as smart and ambitious as you report she is then having a baby won't stop her. Lots of young Mums have done amazing things with their lives.

You sound worryingly over-invested in this adult relation OP and I'd suggest some introspection as to why that is. How have her actual parents reacted to the news, by the way?

This. It can turn out alright but it often doesn’t. I grew up in a town full of really unambitious men and I noticed it was only the woman who didn’t get trapped by young kids early that really went out and flourished. Some got lucky and met their dream man in high school and have been together for decades and are still doing well, retrained, did some travel, started business.

But for most it was either break up by late 20s, to struggle as a single parent or stuck with the type men who that posters on Mumsnet complain about.

It just limits your options realistically speaking. And you’ve basically gone from being a kid to raising a kid with no real break in between. Not a great idea or ideal situation. YANBU, OP.

Perhaps she was feeling the pressure of your very clear expectations for her life.

What have you achieved with your life, are you trying to relive what you didn't manage to do through her?

Yes, and what support did you OP give to your niece so she didn’t become a mum young like her mum. Any contraceptive conversations with her or are you only available to feel upset after she had got pregnant? Contraceptives are free and nothing stopped you from talking to your niece you are close to about it.

I hear you op. You have a right to your feelings.

I was that girl. My mum was gutted. And my baby turned out to have multiple disabilities.

But her life isn't over. 20 years on my child is settled in a placement and I'm travelling and living the best life possible with various health concerns.

It's not ideal but if your niece is happy that's great, and years down the line she can re visit other dreams. It might not be the same but she can still follow them.

So she can be a stay-at-home mum and be supported by BF's family in doing this. Sounds wonderful. She can concentrate on bringing up her children and also do things that interest her. Work is not the be-all and end-all of life and to be at home with children, with the freedom that brings when there is enough income to do it, is marvellous. Lucky niece!
BF's family are now ahead of their time. The idea that it is better for a woman to have a job (most of us have jobs, not careers) and put one's children in a nursery so one remains an economically active unit is well past its sell-by date.