Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I agree with you OP and I’m shocked by the replies on this thread. Having a child while still a teenager often leads to poverty, low career prospects, limited life opportunities etc and that’s why most people don’t plan to have kids that young. Most people who get pregnant at 19 have abortions and then get on with their lives.

OP your original post is insufferable. You're less impressive than you imagine.

How so you know such personal details about your nieces boyfriends family?

That level of detail is unusual. Did you badger your niece to tell you all of this?

Old fashioned isn't a bad thing and you sound like you look down on these people dow having traditional values.

@CollyBobble it is a bad thing if women don’t have a choice.

Do you really think it’s a good thing that some men believe women exist just to serve their needs?

I think the op's sneering tone about the bf is unpleasant. 'Likes the pub' 'earns £6 an hour' 'only an apprentice' - well, maybe I invented the 'only' but that's clearly the vibe.

I'd be gutted if this was my daughter, totally gutted. But in reality, what she's done to change the entire course of her life is get pregnant. Whether that was with 'only the apprentice' or a genius, cultured, amazing bf earning £50 an hour instead of £6 really makes little difference.

It's allowing herself to be saddled with a baby at 19 that's the 'problem', not the bloke.

I agree with you op. She had a chance up better herself and escape the council estate benefits life. Sad

In the same way OP is entitled to her opinion and her niece’s BF is too. She seemed incandescent that he could have such an opinion, but as you say rightly say he’s entitled to it. I remember going to the Louvre and honestly, it was good to say I’ve seen the famous bits in there but it was a box ticked and I enjoyed far more exploring the city, being outside, doing other things. Someone might have the opposite opinion and that’s fine, they’re more than entitled to it.

You sound awful .
A baby at a young age is far far away from throwing her life away ,who are you to judge her.
She has her whole life to fill with plans and adventure if she chooses ,there are no rules in life as to what order you do things in.
Another thing ,she may find that being a mom gives her the ultimate sense of satisfaction and joy in her life , so much more than a trip /trips to other countries, alongside a man who may just be the right fit for her even though he isn't for you!

"Don’t project what YOU think makes a successful life onto her achievements and downgrade them."

Getting up the duff is an achievement? 😶

People on here are nuts. She had a chance at avoiding generational poverty and blew it.

If there’s no way she’ll abort all you can do is support her and try and find another way into uni for her. Although this doesn’t sound like it’s going to be an option giving the opinions of her boyfriends family.

Young men have to be so careful -condom up , always, no matter what the woman says she's on contraception wise.

You do know the pill exists, right? Men can’t just get their girlfriends pregnant unknowingly.

Stop with the conspiracy theories against the Bad Man who in reality is probably also a 19-year-old slightly freaking out but trying to make the best of it.

YANBU OP. I totally agree. My cousin had the world at her feet, ended up pregnant by a guy 10 years older than her. Beautiful baby though. I never said anything but did feel like you do. But it’s her life I guess 😥

@Corianm I have read your posts end to end. Unfortunately, I think your intention to express concern and private disappointment has come across as over invested and judgemental but thats probably not what you intended.

I understand what you are getting at. Ultimately it's not your place to be disappointed. Even if your niece were your DD I would say you are overreacting. Sure it's from a good place but it's misplaced.

Give your darling girl a hug and trust her.

You do know the pill exists, right? Men can’t just get their girlfriends pregnant unknowingly.

But they can pressure their girlfriends into continuing the pregnancy.

Agreed...The woman controls who has the baby - the buck stops with her.

Assuming this isn't an enforced marriage situation.

OP I understand your pain. Plus points though, the boy may turn out to be steady, reliable and willing to learn, to live life differently. When the time comes, encourage your niece to look at Uni courses and interesting jobs. Sometimes the soundest partnerships are the unexpected ones. Take your great niece interesting places. Keep the flame alive.

@StikItToTheMan £6ph is not going to feed and house a family of 3

£6 PER HOUR and spends his evenings in the pub?
Hardly suitable as a match for anyone let alone a 19 year old who had plans to enrich her life and increase her opportunities.

Yes, I would be worried same as OP.

Your niece sounds lovely.

But I wonder: if she's 19 now and was planning to start her degree in September she's on a gap year. You haven't mentioned anything about what she's been doing this past nine months to further her plans, which does make me wonder, maybe she isn't as in love with the career as she was when she started secondary and was first talking about this dream. Maybe it isn't really her dream any more, and not just because of the baby and boyfriend?

If it is, then she can get back to it after having baby. All you can do is be supportive really.

I don’t like the rhetoric society has around having kids young meaning you’ve thrown your life away.

I don’t have kids, I’m mid 30s and not sure that I can have kids. I fully bought into the rhetoric, lived a year abroad, went to university, learned a language, I’m a young award winner and high flyer in my chosen career.

I’m sort of okay if I never have kids, but part of me wishes I’d done it while I was much younger. Some of the people I went to school with now have 16-18 year olds as they got pregnant young, they’re now establishing their careers and have waved off their adult children. I am a bit envious of those people and it’s a route I never considered and looked down on as I was told they were ‘ruining their lives’.

I don’t necessarily wish I’d done that, but I wish I had considered it as a viable option and at least made an informed decision not to go that route rather than being so judgy of it.

It's great fun having your kids young actually, you've got lots of energy and lots left for grand babies. I went to uni when I was 29. It's so not the end of the world - give your niece lots of help with the baby instead of acting like she has topped herself.

While I can understand how disappointing it is that your niece seemed to have such exciting plans, she can’t have been overly committed to them or she’d have taken better precautions against this situation. Do you think there’s an aspect of ‘playing to her audience’ going on here? You were clearly incredibly invested and excited about her ideas so maybe she bigged them up into something more than they were.
As for your disparaging comments about her boyfriend, it’s a shame you’re so closed minded that you can’t see many successful, and somewhat lucrative, careers can begin with apprenticeships and that someone can have other interests that aren’t art galleries. The familial situation wrt gender roles isn’t ideal, far from it, but you would hope that your intelligent, well-supported niece wouldn’t cast aside all that she is for the sake of playing to her in-laws preferences.
It is entirely possible that he is, in fact, a complete wrong’un who orchestrated this whole situation to keep your niece trapped with him rather than attending uni… but I think it’s best to keep an open mind at this stage, and try to see the best rather than the worst. She has, after all, made her choice, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

It is well documented that childbearing and motherhood affect women’s income and career options.

If the niece’s DP follows his family tradition of leaving everything domestic to the woman, and continues drinking in the pub every night and won’t look after his kids for her to attend an Open Uni residential, the niece’s future thread on MN will be met with “why did you have children with him?” Or “leave, you’ll be better off without him”

And yet the OP is getting a hard time for venting her private reaction.