Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

You don't need to justify your concern, OP. You are 100% not being unreasonable.

Mumsnet is woefully blind about teenage pregnancy and the limitations it places on the vast majority of girls who find themselves pregnant before they have truly lived. It's fine for the man because, quite frankly, they usually do sweet fuck all. There might be a one in a million man who DOES commit properly to the baby, but most carry on with their life as it was before. And given what you've said about him, this will not be the one in a million man.

Ultimately though, as I think you already know, you're going to have to bite your tongue on this.

And quite frankly, I agree with PPs who say those posters giving you a hard time are disingenuous.

I would be gutted if this was my daughter or niece and I’m not ashamed to say so either.

OP, I get you. I don't have nieces so can't relate to that but I have a daughter with lots of potential - though not perhaps as lovely as your niece - and I would be quietly devastated if things went this way for her. I want her to have a full life in various aspects and having both a child AND a lifelong tie to what sounds a fairly dull and limiting sort of man and family culture would inevitably clip her wings. Life is a journey and all that and she may get to do all she dreams of but let's be realistic here, it's unlikely. I think you have every right and reason to feel as you do.

Also nope. In her first post she says he is “nice enough” but despite iher second post admitting she was OTT in her first post, she has continued to make OTT statements through the whole thread, along with increasingly aggressive criticisms of the boyfriend, so I think she lacks real perspective.

Provided her child doesn’t also become a very young parent and expect loads of childcare. I have seen this pattern repeating itself in my circles.

Literally nobody has said they’d be delighted, only that they would support their daughter/niece, take a positive perspective and certainly not act like their loved one had napalmed their entire life.

Exactly!

No, it's not the end of the world, but fucking hell, who wants that for their kids?

My son is 20. I'd be gutted if he was to have a child any time soon, as would he. He's at uni, has career plans and wants to enjoy life with no dependents. And let's be honest, a woman's life is often far more impacted by having children, especially if you're not in a long term and stable relationship.

My daughter is only 15, but if she got pregnant at 19, I would very much be hoping she terminated the pregnancy. Yes, we would all cope and make the best of it if she chose to have the baby, but I want more than that for my children. Anyone who doesn't is a bit of a shit parent.

Goodness OP I wonder how many people would be happy if this was their 19 year old daughter who had shelved all her ambitious plans to have a baby with her boyfriend.

Of course she can do things when she's older but it's not the same is it? Doing a degree with a child, or as a 40 year old is not going to be the same experience as going at 19 and living in halls. Travel with a young child is hard work and often stressful, even as they get older they often don't want to do the same things you do and you have to constantly be considering their needs.

I'd be absolutely gutted if this was my daughter and I'm not surprised you're really disappointed for your niece OP.

Statistically, the older a woman is when she has her first baby, the better her lifetime financial outcomes are.

People can become parents at any age. Their baby, they can organise other childcare when the parents are away travelling. No-one is owed childcare by grandparents.

Why are people saying the OP had mapped the niece’s life out for her. The niece had talked about what she had wanted to do, going to university etc.

And providing her child is healthy, a schoolfriend had a child with downs syndrome at aged 19

Can't believe some of these replies, yes, I would be very disappointed if this was my DC or neice/nephew. I do actually have a young neice who has made some very poor choices in life and ended up with three DC, deadbeat dads and under SS supervision. No job, life on benefits ... yes, I am judging. Or course she might turn her life around and study, travel or visit art galleries but I highly doubt it.

I'd be gutted as well OP and I suspect a lot of posters aren't being genuine about how they'd feel, say if it was their child (there are similar posts from parents where their daughter has got pregnant and they tend to get responses along the same lines as your post) or how hard it is to move out of a certain area and demographic once you have children within it.

You aren't saying being a young mother is wrong or judging it. You're saying that she herself didn't want to be a young mother, she had lots of plans and ambitions that would have enabled her to travel, have a fulfilling career etc and she has just put herself in a position where its going to be a million times harder for her to reach those goals.

Of course she might be perfectly happy staying at home and cooking for someone with completely different thoughts about life goals, getting his food ready when he comes back from the pub. Of course he might surprise everyone and act differently from the rest of his family and encourage and facilitate her working. From what you've said though both outcomes sound unlikely.

The reality is that yes she can still achieve these goals but its likely to be much much harder for her to do so. Studying when you have a child is more difficult. Working when you have a partner who doesn't believe you should work, so wont facilitate it or support it in any way, is difficult. Living abroad will be impossible unless he explicitly agrees. Travel will be tricky with a child and someone who is not interested in seeing the same stuff. She has ultimately probably made her life much harder than it needed to be, even if she does think her child is the best thing that ever happened to her

Has she spoken to uni about deferring or doing her course over a longer time or something rather than just dropping out?

I would encourage her (and anyone that is having a baby) to sit down and talk to her partner about the practicalities. How will finances work? Will they be equal? Who will do housework when the baby is little? Is there an expectation that she will go back to work or stay at home? If she stays at home, what are expectations around housework and childcare outside his working hours? Eg will she be expected to be on duty 24 hours a day even if she is ill, because 'he works'? If she goes to work, what will they do for childcare? She should be looking into costs and any help available, now. Who would take time off work when the baby was sick? Will night feeds be shared or all on her? What is the expectation around nights out, hobbies and interests eg will they both get equal time out the house. How will he support her if she wants to start studying. How will her finances be protected if she is not working but not married, given he can walk away without giving her anything leaving her a single mum with no assets qualifications or cash.

These types of questions will give her a proper sense of what her life will actually look like day to day and she can at the very least be more prepared

All you can do is be supportive.

Is it possible to have a chat with her to make sure this is really what she wants?
If it is, then offer to be there so that she can accomplish a modified version of her plans.
Babysit, help fund her if she needs help to get back on track after she gives birth, or support her through an abortion (and probably the break up with this boy).. whatever you can do.
She is very lucky to have someone as interested and concerned as you in her life, and she will appreciate you more as she ages.

This is wild. Thank you for the morning entertainment with my coffee. I thought she’d gone to prison or something.

Yes a teenage pregnancy is not ideal. But Jesus wept, it’s really not the end of the world. Teenagers/young women have been having babies at 19 since the dawn of time. As one of the many women who’s waited until she had the “perfect” career (it’s really not!) and done everything “properly” (as if - my house is a run down money pit!) in her mid 30s, who knows, maybe people doing it young are doing it the right way?! Biologically, it’s probably the ideal age for having children.

There is nothing stopping her going to university when the dust settles. I went and gained a professional qualification in my 30s. I studied with people in their 50s.

Calm down. No one died. If you love your niece you will love the baby too. If I could turn back the clock, I would have loved to have one much younger! Perspective is everything.

Statistically teenage parents tend to have children who then become teenage parents, particularly in certain areas, which sounds like the area the niece lives in

I thought you were going to say that she had developed a serious drug habit or alcoholism or something equally dire... She's got pregnant while very young, it's her life- and she can travel when her child is grown up, as she will still be young and strong, physically.

As for ''Art galleries being boring'' - unless he was taken to museums and galleries regularly as a child, as a routine, it's unlikely they are on his radar.

Maybe he doesn't live in an area where there are loads of museums - London they are easy to get to and pretty good..V&A for example and the Science museum and National History museum - all great for kids.

Exactly. Literally noone said they'd be "delighted" but whats the alternative? - tell her she's s huge disappointment? tut at her every time you see her?

It's ok to feel disappointed but it's bloody done now isnt it? there is no point in hand wringing and prophesying that her entire life is now ruined and will be shit forever. How is that going to help her right now?

As someone who is very close to my nieces and nephews I completely understand and would feel the same. I’d be upset for their missed opportunity if one of them took this path despite expressing desire to travel, go to university etc. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t support them (which is sounds like you have been) but I would feel sad for the things they are inevitably going to miss out on.

If it were my DD at 19, in the same position I was when I was 19, I wouldn't be disappointed or unhappy. I'd be more concerned if she wasn't married and the baby was unplanned, but I'd still support her to continue her life with the new circumstances. Then again, I expect my DD would have been like me and very capable at managing their life and motherhood well.

I think it because you are clearly over invested in your nieces life, quite scathing of other people’s lives and have a very high opinion of yourself.

Yes but some posters seem to think the niece was just humouring her, and wanted this life all along.

I agree with posters who suggested this bloke may.have manipulated her. He will know that if she goes to uni and expands her world and meets lots of new people she’ll probably grow away from him and his chances of holding on to her will be much reduced.

i wonder if there was intent on the boyfriends part - getting her pregnant was one way to stop her going to uni where she will meet more people and have here horizons widened. That would be threatening to many boyfriends.

The posters being dramatic are the ones thinking this was about suicide. Most people do not describe suicide as ‘chucking your life away’ and use more sensitive language.