Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

If she's as clever as you say, surely she knew that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy. She also would know that morning after pills exist. She ignored both pieces of information and got pregnant instead, so maybe her dreams to travel and experience the world were not as strong as you think.

Nothing you can do now. Hopefully she'll study via distant learning and eventually set up that business. Life is going to be harder for her now, but that's her choice and all you can do is respect it

It must be a shock for the family, and it’s no wonder you’re worried. But her life isn’t over. I had my first child at 17, and second at 22. My boyfriend was four years older and an absolute arsehole. I wasn’t allowed to see my family or friends, or study. For those years I was practically chained to the house and completely miserable. I had nothing and my children had very little. Once my second child was born I found my strength and kicked him out.

I went back to college, got my qualifications and got a job. I bought a house. I won’t lie, being a single mother was very hard work but by the age of 40 my kids were grown up and my mortgage paid off.

I don’t consider that I threw my life away, I just did things earlier than the norm. I had financial freedom at a time my friends were all still paying mortgages and nursery fees, and will be for years.

At 40 I also married a wonderful man. My kids have bought their own houses now and I feel my life has been very successful! Don’t write your niece off. Stay close to her, she will need your support.

I can totally see your point, OP, having a gorgeous 19 year old niece myself. It does seem a pity to settle down and have a baby quite so young. I’m sure she can make a huge success of it and family life and it’s not a disaster but no doubt it limits her options and experiences in life for now. I wish you and your family very well.

She's an adult, please support her decisions and be there to help her. She cannot live her life for you, she's following her own heart.

Totally agree. I'd be disappointed too, in your shoes. What a damn shame.

If it was your cherished daughter you might think very differently.

@LazyGewl

Actually if there is one thing that parenting has taught me, it's that your children are different people to you. Although you may share many ideas, values and likes, they will also have different likes, different dislikes, different plans, different ideas and values to you, some in stark contrast to your own.

Being a parent is about loving them anyway and doing your best to see the world from their perspective and support them in their unique journey.

Plus, some of the choices that I believe were best for my life, I know were not the choices my mother would have made for me.

Parenthood (or aunthood) does not qualify you to know what is best for another person.

Of course this is disappointing. I don't know why posters are pretending it isn't. You want her to be fulfilled and free. This now unlikely to happen.

"Has anyone experienced this pain"?!
Are you serious?
I lost my sister to cancer, that's pain.
Focus on living your own best life.

No of course her life is not wasted but the point is surely that as a footloose nineteen year old, you don't need much money or infrastructure around you to travel, experience another culture and learn a language. You can throw yourself in to the experience and be slightly unprepared and chaotic about it and come up smiling because you can go with the flow and be adaptable, and if you happen to meet a friend whose uncle owns a restaurant in the mountains, you can just jump on the bus and work there for the summer with all of your possessions in a rucksack. And that gives you enough funding to visit all the the art galleries you could possibly want to visit in the autumn! This is what one of my daughter's did and she ended up living in Venice and she'll never forget it!

All of the above is much more difficult, if not impossible, with a child in tow obviously, BC then the child's needs and wants quite rightly become more important than your own, and you have limited window of maybe five years before you are restricted by school hours and up to that point they need looking after by you or someone you pay.

I am not saying that student travel is always the best and ideal scenario for everyone, people live their lives in lots of interesting ways, but it is always good to have a few years between leaving home and settling down in which you can experience different countries and cultures, and in doing so, find out who you are.

Life is bloody tough. And even tougher when you have a man in your life incapable of pulling his weight. Ugh.

Nope. She says in her second post she was a bit OTT, and goes on to talk about the boyfriend so I think she’s being level-headed and accurate about him. I wouldn’t want any family member of mine with someone like him, and like a PP I do wonder if he’s manipulated her into this situation.

She'll be able to go travel the world in her 40s when her child is grown up

I'd feel sad for my niece in this situation too. Be there for her. If he won't encourage her to go to evening classes, let it be you. Help her and her child by babysitting and keeping her goals in mind. She won't up and move to Italy, but she could start a business.

Your post is a bit OTT but I get it. I’d rather my kids were working, traveling, or studying at 19. However this is her situation now and she will still be very young when kid (kids?) are school she and hopefully able to pursue career or studies then if she wishes, it doesn’t mean her life is over!

I understand where you're coming from, and I would feel sad for her also.

I think the way you are feeling is completely understandable, and most normal rational people would have these feelings in your situation, its just your not allowed to admit it on here.
19 is exceptionally young and it is easy for a young person to get taken in by such a person, because they are not yet mature enough to know better.

Hopefully when she is older she will still be able to do all these things that you have talked about. This relationship is unlikely to last anyway.

What has this got to do with anything?

I was quite academic and followed a route you would have probably been proud of. My husband has a trade and earns 3 times (my already quite high) salary. There is nothing wrong with apprenticeships, manual jobs are hard graft.

it will be hard for your niece as it is for any expectant mum but it’s their choice and I wish her the best of luck.

I thought so to! Very relieved to hear she is pregnant!

I think this is a very clear illustration of the conflict between the ambitions held on behalf of young women, and the strong maternal instinct many young women have

OP< she can still go to university if she wants to, child care is often provided at very low cost - and maybe you could help her out if she needs it? And if her partner is working as casually as you say, then he might be available for child care too

I suspect she doesn't want to though, and has chosen this course in preference.

PS people with babies do live in Italy....

Jesus Christ, the number of people on here pretending they'd be delighted if their daughter got pregnant at 19 and cancelled uni.

I don't think she has thrown her life away, but I also think you're getting a very hard time here. I'm in my 40s from an immigrant working class made good background where feminism meant getting a good job and pregnancy meant the end of all your hopes for that. So I think I understand where you're coming from. But I have now met so many women who had a baby young with blokes who turned out not to be their forever bloke and went into great careers afterwards. It's not the aspiration-killing disaster that I was led to believe it would have been.

I would just keep reminding her that all of those dreams are out there waiting for her. I think it would be great to have an aunt who kept those things alive for you.

whats wrong with him working in a family business learning his dads trade?? Maybe she’s changed her mind from what she originally said she wanted from life? Having children young is better for your body, less risks and you can travel when they are grown. Sounds like you are less disappointed in the pregnancy and more her choice of partner

I get where you are coming from. I'm late thirties and had my children after 30, seeing the world, doing a career and marrying. I can see how life can be limited with children until they reach a certain age. It's the loveliest thing ever and a love that I have never felt before but at the same time very exhausting and restricting so I wouldn't want my dd to experience this at a young age where she could live a life and grab opportunities, fail, learn from mistakes and start again and just have fun. Your life changes forever once your baby is born and it's normal to grieve your previous life.

I completely agree with you - I’d be utterly devastated if my children decided to have a child when they were a teenager. I find it so bizarre that so many people on this post think it’s a “wonderful adventure”. But then in my world every one of my friends went to university, travelled, started and did well in a career, got married and bought a house before having children in my 30s. Honestly I hope and expect the best for my children.

At 19 you should be living that wonderful half life between being a child and an adult and be selfish and have fun.

I totally get it.

You’re entitled to have your view but it sounds like you’re living vicariously through her. Having a baby at 19 is not the end of the world, just a different life, and it sounds like she’d be a great mum.

What does her own parents think @Corianm