Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

What is it about the OP’s statement that this lad spends all of his spare time and money in the pub and comes from a family where it’s expected that the women will stay home, raise children and have dinner on the table, makes you think that there is a reasonable chance that he will help her discover cheap travel deals so they can explore the cultural delights of Europe? He thinks art galleries are boring. Are you thinking he’d appreciate a fresco instead? Or maybe some Italian architecture?

Possible outcomes:

Their relationship will grow because she will lead him in the right direction.

Her world will indeed wither and she will make the best of it or be miserable.

In time, she will outgrow him and have a great life from her 40's onwards with amazing children but without him.

None of these are within your control. We all have choices.

Agreed.

I also had my DC later in life and it was because my dh and I had worked and travelled and had lots of different life experiences previously that we were fully able to enjoy our DC and I had the opportunity to be at home with them at the start. Financial stability gives you choices.

Art galleries are boring though.

Well my husband spends a lot of time in the pub, has a traditional family and outlook, and he doesn't care about art. Yet he'd still come with us and have a great time.

I'd be disappointed if it was my DD or niece in that situation at 19. Not sure why op getting a roasting.

I agree with you, OP, a lot of people on this thread are suddenly being all Pollyanna-ish about the wonders of teenage pregnancy for the sake of a pile-on. I seriously wonder whether your niece will continue with the pregnancy when she thinks about the reality of life with no degree and a small baby as against taking the degree that is presumably still open to her and pursuing her ambitions.

When my cousin got pg at 18, my father (and her father figure, her father died young) was gutted. He rushed me and my sister to the gyne to get contraception (we were only just hitting puberty!) and went on and on about how she had wasted her life, would now never get an education and so on.

I lost touch with her when my father died. I recently looked her up online. She is a professor in both her home country and a European country, and travels the world lecturing about her speciality.

She just did the other things she was interested in after her kids grew up. I'll admit I did a mental high five when I found her profile, and wished my dad had been around to be proven wrong. Her speciality is also closely related to his professional field.

People do things when it suits them. Don't be so negative about it, support her in her choices.

If it was your cherished daughter you might think very differently. And if you didn’t I would wonder why you didn’t wish for your daughters to explore the possibilities of their freedom while young. Life is short but if you are 19 there is plenty of time ahead of you for kids and settling down.

I bet op is going to be super supportive of DN and her child.

No need to be so ridiculously over dramatic...

She is not 'throwing her life away'.

It is her life and people should respect her choices.

It is not healthy that you and your family had mapped that girl's entire future according to your expectations.

She is going to be a mum and there is plenty of time for her to do other things in life. People do go to university after taking a break from education and many mothers enter the workplace again when their kids are a bit older.

There is also no guarantee that the relationship will last but the child has to be your niece first priority for a while.

She needs her family to support her, not judge her.

£6/hr is an apprentice wage. Tradespeople earn a lot more than many graduates, especially in London.

I understand it's not what you would have wished for your niece (ie I guess you thought of a good career, trips abroad, nights out) but she can still have a good life.

My niece became pregnant early 20s after finishing a three year college course. Have to say I'm really proud of her though. She's changed a grotty Council flat (dark, wallpaper falling off walls) into a bright welcoming home on very little money. My niece works three days a week (luckily the father has my great niece then) as a Manager in a successful well known local business, she's also doing a university course and is there to pick her daughter four days a week after school, takes her to clubs/visiting grandparents. She met someone new a couple of years ago and they plan to live together soon.

I get that it's disappointing and that she had plans for her life. However, what good is it hand wringing now?- it's done. She had the choice to have an abortion and she chose not to. None of our lives pan out exactly as we planned- what's that expression?- life is what happens whilst you're busy making other plans. I planned to have kids in my late 20s- didnt happen because I didnt meet my partner until age 30. There were many other plans I had that didnt work out as I thought they would.

There is absolutely no guarantee she would have gone to live in Italy anyway- or even if she did, maybe she wouldnt like it, going to visit a country is not the same as living there and I say that as someone who loves Italy.

It's fine to feel a bit disappointed but stop with the hyperbole of "chucked her life away" as you are catastrophising a bit here. I assumed from your title she was taking drugs or severely depressed.

There is no point in idealising the path not taken as we have no idea what it would bring. All any of us can do is make the best of what situation we are in now and there is loads of potential for your niece- she could still achieve great things so dont limit her.

You’re entitled to your opinion. But if you are into art and culture someone who finds them boring will eventually bore you.

I 'chucked my life away'. Got pregnant at 18, married the father, had my baby at 19. The marriage didn't last, we were very different people. From the outside he wasn't the kind of person one would want one's niece to marry but actually he was brilliant with the children, kind, willing to do anything he was asked to do, just not very bright, very low earning potential, not very well educated.

A long time later, and after some very difficult times, I have two wonderful adult children who have a great relationship with their father. I went to university as a mature student and I have a good job.

even if (and it's only your opinion) your niece has made an unwise choice now - it doesn't mean that she can't still make the most of her life and she could end up with everything you want for her plus a family.

I agree They don't agree cos there is quite a lot of pronatalism about and having kids despite the challenges of climate and cost of living is seen as always the best thing to do.Margaret Atwood may have accidentally set off a bad chain of events.They also want to defend their SAHM lives.It is a tyranny to expect all women to have fantastic amazing lives and there is nothing wrong with being ordinary.The girl may be fine or she may not
but it narrows her options for the time being

Your niece sounds great. She might totally surprise you still!!

Good god, get over yourself. So, things change? She's not thrown her life away, it just looks different. I thought this was going to be a post about drug taking, getting arrested, an abusive partner...honestly. I hope your niece doesn't read this and figure out its about her, she'll be the devastated one.

TBH given the extremely dramatic nature of the OP's other statements, I assume that she is also exaggerating the negative qualities of her supposedly brilliant niece's boyfriend and family.

You are being perfectly reasonable OP. Hitting a lot of raw nerves with this post I think.

OP, I braced myself, thinking the poor girl had gotten herself addicted to crack cocaine. I'm SO relieved it's not that.

I won't even bother going into why your post is ridiculous, as others have already pointed it out.

Are you 100 years old? You sound like my Great-Aunt Mary who went to evening classes to 'broaden her horizons' in the 1980s - Delia Smith Cookery and Spanish Conversation.

And when her child is 19, she will be 38 and can go to uni then

You will be the one link she has with the person she thought she was going to be. Without criticising her or her boyfriend, your support could be vital in the future if she decides that actually, this isn't a rewarding a life as it originally seemed.