Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I talked a lot about becoming a lawyer at secondary. I talked so much, my friend looked into the career and ended up doing it. I chose not to!

I also wanted four kids. I dithered around and settled on one at 34.

Point being, I think that the best way to get out of this mindset for you is to let go of teenage chat. It's stopping you seeing the potential of her new situation, and anything else in her life.

I actually find it oppressive when people try and pin me to ideas/wishes I had in my teens. A teenager's dreams very rarely come exactly true, so try not to dwell on these specific ones - and don't nag her to fulfill them down the line.

Just support her in changing anything she's unhappy with and in enjoying anything she is happy with.

It’s ok to feel sad about it as it will definitely be more difficult now. However she’s had a good start to life and will realise once she has her Dc that she wants more for them. I was a year older than your niece and I realised I wanted more for my DC. I went to uni did a nursing degree and my DH (than BF) went on to level up his career. It wasn’t easy but we had a lot of family support and wanted better. We did really well, lived comfortably brought our own home and then 6 years later had another child who unfortunately needs more care and has SEN. I’ve had to give up work for now so nothing is guaranteed. Life is difficult at times but things can get better as long as you strive for it.

This!! You sound very dramatic. She's a young woman in love, having a baby. Support her!

I had unplanned pregnancy when I was younger and this is what people said. I really thrived afterwards, and planning no more children

I did the same. I said many things as a teen. Thankfully my family didn't harp on about it.
We change so much in life.

OP I can see where you’re coming from, and you’ve had an absolute pile on!

All I’d say is be there for her, offer support in whatever way you can/she’ll take to carve out a fulfilling life as a young mum. Remind her she is still a whole person and she has choices. In 18 years she’ll be 37, Italy will still be there! In the meantime support her, love her, let her continue to dream and plan.

If the niece lives in an area where anyone going to university (especially women) and having a career rather than minimum wage jobs is statistically rare (and it sounds like that area from the OP), it’s going to be an even greater uphill struggle for the niece to breakaway from that life with a baby in tow. And it sounds like the niece was starting that journey to have a different life from the one set out for most of her peer group.

This is a great example of a mumsnet pile on and people who have made similar choices to your niece shouting from the rooftops. Her parents from what you have said weren't massively supportive of her getting an education , having kids young is what she knows, she has chosen to have a child with a man that lives at home and has very traditional views. It doesn't exactly bode well for her getting the opportunity to do evening classes or an open uni course if he is down the pub every night or doesn't think he needs to do his share of raising children. Does she have a job?

I'd be disappointed too. She's made her whole life harder.

People are giving you a hard time. Obviously things can work out, but having a baby at 19 is not ideal. Yes she can go travelling or study later in life, but it's not the same as doing it when you're young. She's choosing a harder path.

But it's her life, so there's nothing you can do about it.

She's only having a baby from a relationship. It's not end of the world. We need to move away from this mindset of treating ourselves as doomed after child's birth. If she has the drive as you say she has then she will still make something good of her life.
Btw I wanted to be a pilot when I was young for some reason but practically it wasn't a good career for me. I have a nice stable practical career now. People change and do different things than they spoke during their childhood about.

I didn’t get pregnant, but still f’d up my life at that age. Being an enthusiastic teenager doesn’t always translate into a good time at Uni or the start of a great career. Early 20s can be wilderness years for many, especially leaving home. Good luck to her!

"Pile on" is just an internet way to say "a whole lot of people vigorously disagree with the OP" rolleyes

I’ve just read all the OP’s posts and ‘throwing her life away’ isn’t an exaggeration because her nieces boyfriend sounds like a loser.

I thought ( an was told ) life was about working, advancing my career, totting up experiences, travelling, investing etc. Until I had my child at 35. Then I learnt that everything I thought was important actually was not. For me the best and most important experience of my life was being my little ones mum. I wish I'd taken up this opportunity earlier. Everyone wants different things in life and hopefully your niece will be able to experience it all too... Just in a different order to what you imagined for her.

She might not stay with him though.

I was in a similar position as your DN 20 years ago. I’ve been to uni twice and have plans to travel once the children have left home.

You have no idea what her future holds and you are being ridiculous. It could be the absolute making of her.

I agree with you, I'd be so disappointed for her too. She is now trapped with this boyfriend and baby for the next 18 years. By then she'll lose confidence and lack the money to travel. I wonder if her boyfriend pressurised her to get pregnant as he was aware of her plans, and wanted to trap her? You won't get balanced answers on here because there's a high ratio of single mums.

Very, very different having a child at 35 to having one at 19 with no career, money etc!

Unfair pile up on you OP. I completely understand what you mean. Let’s not pretend as if it is easy to realise your ambitions with a baby and a trad husband.

I'd be disappointed for my teenage niece if she got pregnant before she'd even had a chance to start living her life too.

Maybe it's your choice of words that have upset everyone but it is a shame that your niece can't enter adulthood freely and do what she wanted to do. Or even what she didn't know what she wanted to do!

Not at all. Motherhood is miraculous and a privilege. At the same time it can be relentless and limiting.

Obviously, this won't suit everyone, or work out for everyone, but very generally speaking, it is beneficial to young women if they can have a period of time just for themselves, learning and facilitating their own lives, before facilitating life for others.

University life and travel isn't the be all and end all to a happy successful life... Who's to say she wouldn't hate university life? Unless there's significant family money how on earth would she afford to live in Italy for a year whilst paying off a student loan and presumably no job if she isn't fluent in Italian before she goes? Maybe she'll do those things later in life when she's more financially stable? she'll only be 40 when the child is 20 and that leaves plenty of time to explore the world, go to uni and learn Italian if she still wants to. Many women put off having children and then regret it later or are so career minded they never meet their Mr Right? Her dreams and priorities have changed and they will probably do so many times over the next few decades but it doesn't mean it's a wasted life...

@Corianm god completely with you op what a waste of a life 19 pregnant with a non ambitious local chap. I was with similar when I was 16 my mum seeing the way things were going pushed me to art college thank god she did theres more to life than having a kid at 19 too young too dumb life is there to be lived not running around after a man or a child when you haven’t lived

I think it's because she's 19, so already an adult, and the way you described the situation in the OP made me think she'd been imprisoned or suffered from a drug overdose. Loads of women have babies at 19. Ideal - no. But hopefully she will build a good life around her family.

The thing is, she had options. If she made a truly free choice about keeping the baby, then this was more important to her at this moment in time than her other dreams. You have to accept that.

I agree that you feel disappointed as you had different plans for her but she did what she saw her parents doing. Many children get in the same cycles as their parents until they are very conscious that what parents did was not a good thing or life. I wish she could have realised this early on. It's hard to make your life better or do things differently coming from disadvantaged backgrounds, it takes additional conscious efforts