Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I’m with you! I know that having a baby does not necessarily mean that her life is over, but if it’s with someone who will expect her to have tea on the table at 6pm then her creativity/ ambition will not be encouraged and eventually her sparkle will dull.
She will find her own way in life though and she may still travel to Italy etc but with a baby in tow! My mantra is that things always happen for a reason and it may be that actually it inspires her more and she may not want her baby to grow up being in that environment and she takes them both abroad to study. Yes, it won’t be easy, but she may get what she wants eventually.

You’re responding to somebody who went to uni, got married after having finished uni and chose to be a stay at home mother afterwards. Being a stay at home mother came after university and presumably after marriage.

how is that comparable to a 19yo who was preparing for uni less than a month ago?

As for the man the university educated mumsnetter you responded to married: I would be extremely surprised if her husband was still living at home and earned £6/hour when they had their first child / got married.

trying to compare this to the situation of OP‘s niece is akin to comparing apples with onions!

For what it’s worth OP, I can empathise with how you feel. She has previously said she doesn’t want kids young and has been vocal about her dreams and had made concrete plans to achieve them. It’s lovely that you have a close enough relationship for you to feel so gutted on her behalf.

Of course it’s correct that she can achieve these things later in life, but presumably it may not be financially viable, she will likely have a partner who has sexist ideas around gender and does not support her to do so, and she’ll miss out on doing so independently and moulding herself in incredibly formative years. I don’t think being upset about that should be controversial. I do hope she’s happy with her choice despite this, and your sadness is equally valid when she had expressed such clear wishes for herself.

I would be upset for my dds if this happened to them at 19. It's not the end of the world. I had my first at 24 and life changed a lot but now at 44 I'm living a great life - career, money and a social life with friends and things I've always wanted to do like travel.
But 19 seems young and I owned a house and was married to my babies dad. I'm with you tbh. All you can do is support her as best you can

We were poor when we started out, we travelled to European cities when we found cheap deals for it.
It can be done if you want to do it. He's on £6 an hour right now, not forever.

This.

Metaphorically…

@Corianm

I can understand your disappointment for her. Remember life is a marathon not a sprint. My MOST successful friend career wise found out on our last day of high school that she was pregnant to her (creepy, older) boyfriend. We all thought her life was over. She went to uni, got a degree, ditched the boyfriend, got another degree, met someone else and had another baby (still very young i.e. about 23) while doing a highly prestigious grad job. She’s now a senior exec of a global company you’ve definitely heard of. Her life hasn’t always been easy but she has a fab lifestyle, lovely house, travels etc. She has a hugely supportive family.

Meanwhile I took the very safe path - school, law school, travel, married another lawyer from the “right” school, career, 2 children in my 30s. I’m now 42 (as is my friend), we both have 2 lovely kids, both have successful careers (hers far more so), we’ve both travelled and seen the world, we’re both single mums…my exH was abusive so I’m not sure the decisions I made in my youth were necessarily all great ones. I’m the one who made the more conservative choices but the outcomes haven’t been vastly different (well they have as she is stratospherically more successful career wise than me and she certainly travels a lot more and to much more glamorous places!! 😂😂😂)

Your niece still has a lot of life ahead of her and she may be happy with this guy, equally it may not work out and she might wish to pick up her dreams again - if you are still in her corner there might be a time where she will really need you.

Yes because deep down every woman just wants babies rather than going to uni or travelling. Sheesh.

OP people are being twats on this post. Just be there for her - statistically it’s very likely the relationship won’t work out. Maybe your niece will do some serious growing up and go to university later on. It sounds like she’s being naive and is also surrounded by low expectations in terms of education and careers. I’d have had an abortion like a shot if I’d got pregnant at her age.

Did your partner spend most evenings in the pub?
Cost of living crisis, lack of support and social housing.
It does not look rosy no matter how what tinted glasses you put on.
Finding cheap deals when most people are struggling to live? A 19 year old and her £6 an hour partner.
Let's be real.
Yiu can't be claiming benefits if you intend spend a year abroad either.

Italy has high unemployment so doubtful the niece would be able to work and support herself with no education, experience and a baby in tow.

This is so extreme!

The op obviously loves her niece very much and wants the absolute best for her. She is entitled to her private opinions.

Op what does your sibling say? Presumably your niece's mum will be talking to her and checking that this is what she really wants?

Do you know if the pregnancy was accidental or part of a longer term plan?

I can really understand where the op is coming from. It's not that her life is over, it's just been made a lot harder and more limited at the outset than it needed to be.

If I were in your shoes op, I would check in with your niece and tell her that she can still go to uni if she wants to. Get some information for her about any support that is available. Of course she may not want the debt now, but encourage her to see the whole picture.

And tell her that her bf was wrong when he said art galleries are boring places. It's good that she hears an alternative viewpoint!

@Mairzydotes she had a place at university, she was starting to get the stuff ready to go. This was the niece’s plan. Why would she say it to humour OP.

DS has had a dream of what he wants his life to be. Is now on a university course to enable that dream. He is not doing that to humour me.

The women on here taking umbrage at your feelings are women who feel upset at the idea they’ve missed out on anything by having children very young.

Just an observation……. The people jumping down your throat here OP are the ones who had kids at a young age, who through their own choices don’t actually fully comprehend what they’ve missed out on.

Not true; I had my children in my late 30s, and I take issue with the OP's melodramatic hand-wringing that her niece's life is over now that she's having a baby.

Frankly I wish I'd had my kids much earlier but putting career first can mean that life throws you as many curveballs as putting kids first. I spent years anxious that I wouldn't get the family I wanted and ended up choosing an unsuitable man to do so with due to a dwindling timeline.

Now I'm a single mum in late 40s and while I appreciate the fact that I have an income level that makes that possible without much financial stress, I also have a good friend who is also a single mum on a similar income who did things the opposite way to me. She was a teen mum, went back to uni in late 20s, part time before settling into a career in her 30s. Now a grandmother and she's younger than I am!

Few people do life "perfectly" (if there is such a thing). While it is completely understandable that the OP may feel a little disappointed that her niece's plans have changed so suddenly, the sackcloth-and-ashes tone of her first post is what has riled most people.

If her niece is as clever and competent as she claims, she will find her own way, even if that path has a few bumps in it.

Frankly, it's been the toughest parts of my life that have made me the strongest. OP could look at this as her niece's chance to really forge strength at a young age.

Not most evenings and hers will likely stop doing once the baby is born.

It's likely her niece's mindset will change after the baby anyway and she'd rather be around family and friends with support than moving to Italy for a year.

He will earn more money in time.

There's no point arguing with you about it is there? Neither of us know the niece so what's the point?

That sounds great! And I’m super pleased it worked out for you. But as you said, 24 isn’t the same as 19. Those 5 years do make a real difference…

I had a friend who was pregnant at 15.

She married the father, had an other child at 19 and is now a teacher at a well respected private school. She also has a fairly interesting athletic hobby. She’s about 30 and fully enjoying life.

But she had extremely supportive parents, a certain amount of generational wealth and a supportive husband who encouraged her dreams and ambitions. He also earned enough to help her achieve these ambitions.

For all the (somewhat unusual) stories of success like the one I just shared? Or the ones shared by countless other mumsnetters?
There are countless other women and girls who were not as lucky.

OP is worried about her niece getting stuck, pushed into a role she never wanted etc…
And pretending that this is unlikely to happen - especially considering the fact that the niece is extremely unlikely to have the cushion of inherited resources (going by the OP’s statements), the boyfriend’s attitude and finances - is disingenuous imo.

but all OP and her family can do is support the niece and hold on to her dreams (or find new dreams). I would definitely encourage her to continue to pursue an education, build up her earning potential etc.

I sympathise with you, op. The world is her oyster and this is the path she is choosing. I would be sad if it was my loved one.

I think some posters have given you a hard time. 🌷

I’d be horrified and disappointed too, and am appalled by the people saying that throwing away at 19 is fine and a valid choice.

Your niece is throwing away the opportunity to star in her own life and is now going to be the support act for babies (there will be more than one) and some unambitious men.

I would be telling her she doesn’t have to keep it, and does she really realise what she’s about to throw away? I don’t think simple minded cheerleading of a crappy choice is the best thing here.

Imagine the alternative post:

"My niece who is 19 wants to go to University, have a career and travel the world.
Bit she has a lovely boyfriend who has an apprenticeship and earns £6 an hour.
I have always wanted her to be a teenage mum & settle down young & have encouraged this but all she wants to do is go to Uni.

I am absolutely gutted by this! Am I being unreasonable?'

If she’s as amazing as you say she is OP, then she’s resourceful enough to have a full and happy life regardless. This doesn’t have to look traditional, it doesn’t have to go in a particular order (uni, house, marriage, kids), and to be honest I think the happiest people have to experience tough times and overcome them. I know people who have never faced a challenging situation in their perfectly manicured and set out life, but they aren’t happy. This either manifests as finding ways to self-sabotage, life throwing them a hardship and them absolutely sinking, or they are insufferable people who genuinely think they know everything about the world because they visited a orphanage during a gap year when they were 18.
Having children is hard whatever your age, but your niece has youth and vitality on her side at least. She will also be young enough to progress in her career or studies when she’s out of the trenches of young children and won’t be restricted by the glass ceiling that appears when you get to a certain level in your career but can only commit to the part time hours.

She didn't say every woman just wants babies instead of university or travel, she said it's possible that the niece might really want one, and that doesn't invalidate the possibility that she is still an intelligent and ambitious person.

Statistically it will be harder and less opportunities.
That is why OP is concerned.
Rightly so.

Yes - I would have the same concerns, OP. Sounds like she’s saddled herself to an idiot, quite frankly. And the novelty will wear off once she’s doing all the parenting while he’s down the pub. If the bloke was different, supportive, encouraging of her ambitions, then I’d say that you were going too far. But sadly it doesn’t sound like you are. My niece, a few years older, has a great partner and young DC. He’s a very involved Dad, and she’s working and pursuing a career.

My point is that if abandoning plans for uni/seeing the world etc and instead deciding to stay at home with his family and have a child is such a fantastic choice, did you present it as an alternative choice to your child when he was deciding what path to take? I was comparing him to the niece’s boyfriend rather than the niece because you said your child was a boy, so he’d have options that a sahm wouldn’t have.

And no, of course it doesn’t automatically ruin your life. You, and a lot of the other young mums who have gone on to have successful lives have proved that. But there seems to be one very glaring fundamental difference. You’ve all either done it as a single parent or, in your case, with a supportive and ambitious partner who has worked with you to build a successful life. The niece in this scenario will be doing it with someone the OP describes as unambitious, keen on women staying at home to raise children and who pisses his limited earnings up the wall. She’s not got the same starting point as you, has she? She’s not got the independence that comes with being single either. She had to contend with him, too.

Corianm I get you are disappointed .However many young people have exciting plans! Quite honestly, and many mums/dads/grans /aunts love to be able to boast to their chums ! (I am guilty if this myself if Im honest!) At the end of the day she is happy and thats all that counts really .Lots of people return to studying when older.As someone said "If you want to make God laugh ,tell him your plans!)