To stop mentoring girl at work because I’m jealous of her?

[Strawberrycream123]

I’ll try and keep it brief and not lose all my dignity!

Im in my late thirties for context.

I’m mentoring a girl in her twenties at work, and I can’t stop ruminating about how jealous I am of her. She’s at the age where she’s out every weekend, amazing social life. She’s really pretty, dresses well and is SMART. She’s good at her job and has so much potential. She’s friendly to everyone, and I do really like her.

My life is no longer like this, and I miss it so much.

In addition, she’s started seeing a guy at work… who had previously expressed interest in me. It seemed pretty innocent at first and he was friendly and a bit flirty with me, and then sent me some extremely sexual messages about the fantasies he’d had about us. I got cold feet because it felt inappropriate (it’s a colleague and I’m older) and the chat went dry. But now she’s seeing him, I can’t get him out of my head. Classic want what you can’t have I guess. She doesn’t know about any of the flirtation between us before as far as I’m aware.

How do I proceed? I feel like I’ve done a good job of not showing my feelings (hurt and envy) but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

Additionally any advice about how to lose these horrible feeling would be so appreciated… its making me feel awful!

you suck it up and it'll go

Please don't take this out on your younger colleague (it doesn't sound like you would). When I was younger I had several older colleagues treat me like sh*t and try to stop me progressing and I'm sure it was from jealousy. It was truly terrible and they had no idea the horrible circumstances that had led me to be in those low paid jobs.
Instead use it as a catalyst to help you see what you're missing and go find more of it. It's good you've recognised it. That shows you are self aware!
I really sympathise though. It can be tough seeing others who have what you want.

You need to focus on addressing the shortfalls in your own life, rather than on your envy of your colleague.

Is there anything stopping you having a busy social life and dressing well? Making the best of what you have if you don't feel you're as pretty as your colleague? Take some steps, however small, to improving these parts of your life.

The work relationship sounds like it would have been a bad idea - you got cold feet for a reason!

You're mentoring her, so you've got quite a lot going for you now, haven't you?

Swerving him sounds like a lucky escape.

Generally trying to force feelings to disappear only makes them more powerful. Instead of fighting it let yourself feel whatever you feel privately so it can start to drain out of your system.

Emotions don't last forever.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet with the colleague. Be grateful for that! Well done for acknowledging your feelings and being honest. If it will affect your professionalism and impact her then it wouldn't be fair to her to carry on but hopefully you can rise above this. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Having been in the position of being bullied out of a job you pull yourself together, do your job and mentor her like a grown mature woman......and you don't become a name she lists as someone she absolutely hates whose behaviour towards her was damaging, and ruined a good opportunity.

I agree you dodged a bullet with that guy and she is going to regret dating him, that's pretty stupid and naive of her.

You suck it up and continue to mentor her. Remember she's probably intimidated by you.

So you’re jealous because she’s too inexperienced to see through the office predatory creep? Really?

Just be honest professional

Consider it this way. Youth isn't a matter of privilege. Everyone (if we're lucky) gets the same share of it. And sometimes being young is awful. All that insecurity, wanting to be a people pleaser, thinking I had to be kind and polite to intrusive men, and having much more of a filter owing to female socialisation. I'm not sorry to say goodbye to all that.

I had a great time in my 20s but I wouldn't have wanted to continue like that indefinitely. The early stages of dating were an exhausting, uncertain minefield and in many senses a pain in the arse, and as far as Inappropriate Colleague is concerned, you've lost out on nothing. I doubt you'd really want to trade places with her and be dating him. His messages were really overreaching himself and I, for one, wouldn't want even want a bit of fun, let alone a serious involvement, with his sort.

It's all very superficial. No matter how much fun those years were, I wouldn't want to go back and relive them again. I'm a lot happier not to mention calmer now: being the life and soul of the party isn't the be all and end all and at some point in your life it stops being 'fun' and just looks rather sad.

In any case, you're hardly over the hill yourself. What would fill that void that you feel is missing from your life? Find that out and you're on your way to curing your envy of this woman. You know your own faults and recognise these, and that is a great strength.

This

As someone up thread said "suck it up and let it go". I suggest taking up a new hobby - something to distract you and you might even make new friends as a result (or some other positive benefit)

Maybe try and reframe the mentoring, see if you can learn from her. I learn so much from the exec in my team and live vicariously through her travels etc as I’m no longer able to do that as much. I take energy from her and maybe you could try and do that too? It is hard at times when a weekend is taken up with childcare and someone else is care free but that time will come again!

Time to pull up the big girl pants and be professional.

I am someone who gets envious. It feels like a pointless and ugly thing to feel - I've done some reading about it and if there's anything you can take from it it's a window into what you want. You may not want exactly what she has and some of it won't be possible, but it's revealed some places where you can make changes. I mentor and it often inspires me to be more like them than the other way round. But I bet she thinks you're someone to look upto in lots of ways. Totally get you though!

So, she's twenty and sparkling.

Sickening.

But a young man has doffed his cap at her and soon her knight in shining armour will be expecting her to polish his armour and her lustre will dull.

Treat yourself to a full weekend of writhing with jealousy. Then, think of how her star will dim. Then, be a mother to yourself and buff up your own image. Be very nice to yourself snd let your lustre glisten. Whatever it takes.

And get yourself some new togs and shoes. Be your own style guide and life coach. Your time has come.

Go for it.

When I was in my 20s, I really appreciated the (unofficial) mentorship I got from older female colleagues - and their warnings to be aware of certain men and their reputation. So perhaps you could mentor her on workplace politics rather than strictly career.

Good you have acknowledged your feelings now let them go and be the best version of yourself. Comparrison is the thief of joy and the positives she has take nothing from you. I am sure there are many good things about you too.

How will stopping mentoring her going to stop you feeling so jealous?

She’s still going to be going out, having fun, dressing nice, being smart and seeing this guy etc.

As a single parent I do get jealous when people are out having fun with no responsibilities but then I remind myself that I wouldn’t trade my child for all of the nights out in the world.

😂

If it makes you feel any better, try to view him as someone you could have been with, but rejected for your own well-considered reasons. She's dating someone you passed over, so there's nothing to be jealous about, in that respect.

I do think it’s a bit of an ick that this guy has jumped from you to the new woman.

It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s tried it on with all of the females at work.

Think about how she sees you - a successful woman in the business she wants to make her mark in. For everything you envy about her, I guarantee there is something about you that she would love to emulate. Mentoring is such a privilege, as you get to see yourself through someone else's eyes and realise how far you've come - and forget the bloke he's irrelevant!

I can feel envious, I really work at reducing this by remembering I'm an adult, most people have good intentions and I usually grow to respect and often fond of others in the end. I struggle with people with high levels of self confidence but have grown to realise its me not them that has the issue and its much better to see the positive side of people. My parents were very critical of others based on not much, I've worked to shake this off and mostly succeed.