To stop mentoring girl at work because I’m jealous of her?

[Strawberrycream123]

I’ll try and keep it brief and not lose all my dignity!

Im in my late thirties for context.

I’m mentoring a girl in her twenties at work, and I can’t stop ruminating about how jealous I am of her. She’s at the age where she’s out every weekend, amazing social life. She’s really pretty, dresses well and is SMART. She’s good at her job and has so much potential. She’s friendly to everyone, and I do really like her.

My life is no longer like this, and I miss it so much.

In addition, she’s started seeing a guy at work… who had previously expressed interest in me. It seemed pretty innocent at first and he was friendly and a bit flirty with me, and then sent me some extremely sexual messages about the fantasies he’d had about us. I got cold feet because it felt inappropriate (it’s a colleague and I’m older) and the chat went dry. But now she’s seeing him, I can’t get him out of my head. Classic want what you can’t have I guess. She doesn’t know about any of the flirtation between us before as far as I’m aware.

How do I proceed? I feel like I’ve done a good job of not showing my feelings (hurt and envy) but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

Additionally any advice about how to lose these horrible feeling would be so appreciated… its making me feel awful!

Use it.

Reframe your thinking.

You have been inspired by her.

Reflect, rethink and reset your personal and professional goals. If you wanted to be with that colleague you could have, but you didn't. She's welcome to him. Sounds like she deserves better by the sounds of him.

And crack on with it.

I think it's very honest of you to recognise that this is jealousy and to own it out loud. I've seen so many senior women treat younger ones really badly, and I did always wonder why.

Is it possible that you could see your friendship with her as a perk of the job? It sounds as though she is a pretty amazing person and maybe you could enjoy her being "yours" for a while?

Could you even tell her that you find her awesomness a bit overwhelming and ask her to dial it back a bit? That would be truly helpful mentoring, if it's actually turning people off her.

You’re right not to mentor someone who you are jealous of - you are not the right person anymore to push her forwards in her career and have her best interests at heart.

However I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and it’s very natural given you have both had romantic involvement to some degree with the same man. Just take her out for a coffee and say you’ve loved mentoring her but for the next step she should find a new mentor and you will just be a friend.

this

Try not to have shame about this. Humans evolved to be jealous and jealousy is a normal emotion that everyone feels. You haven’t done anything wrong.

You haven’t acted out on your jealousy because you are in control of your behaviour. My guess is you can continue to trust yourself and your feelings will fade. Chances are this romance will fizzle out soon enough. And even if it doesn’t, remember had already decided there was no future between you and this guy.

Well he just sounds like a bit of a player so I think you had a lucky escape there!

You said in your op that your life is no longer like this. So, you had a chance to be in her position. Everyone has their time, we age, we move to different life stages.

I feel as you do sometimes about the social life one, as I barely had any normal teenage and young adult experiences. It's sucks, it's a downer sometimes.

You simply have to stop comparing and make your own fun, have your own style, do something that makes you feel like youve accomplished or learned something.

In my 20s I was hot, size 8, smart, spent my life on looking good and dressing well. I'd get compliments and heads turning wherever I went, usually I was on the way to some rooftop bar or to meet friends after work for drinks by the river. Deep down I was insecure, low paid even though I worked myself to the bone and never thought I was good enough.

Now i have a double chin and wear stretchy pants on the school run but I have proven myself into a decent position in my job and in life and I have peace/ won't take crap off no one. I make an effort with my appearance and that makes me feel good. I look at the 20 somethings at work with their low rise jeans and weekend plans and laugh to myself.

Point is, you've been there and done that now appreciate where you are as you'll miss that too. It doesn't make sense to compare yourself to a 20 year old, they can't even compare to their late 30s self. There's grace in getting older

One day, OP, this girls youth, her hopes and dreams will all fade away. She’ll suffer grief and loss. As will you. As will I.

let her enjoy her time in the sun. Be part of her journey. Be kind … to her… and to yourself.

Did you read the OP? Where did she mention anyone else having a problem with this woman? Your last paragraph is just baffling, and wrong to be honest.

Some wise comments on here re your honesty and looking at the underlying reasons for your jealousy.
Re mentoring I'd go out-of-body as in 'how would i advise my younger sister/neice/younger self" and tick some boxes, go through the motions.

Your future self will thank you.

Yabu it’s okay to be jealous but i too had an evil witch, older female boss who tried to hold me back and bullied me. It knocked my confidence. I didn't deserve that.

I too have witnessed the shift in attention from men to younger women now i’m old and have kids. You realise when you have more experience that men like that at work are often creeps and sexist, only interested in your opinion if they find you attractive. She might not even be aware of this.

Try to help her and guide her, and if you recognise her potential help her to reach it and be proud to have been a part of her success.

I would stop mentoring using whatever nice excuse you have, whats the point in constantly having to manage your negative thoughts… equivalent of looking at someone more young beautiful and successful at social media, the usual advice is to unfollow them and distance yourself

I really liked reading everyone’s comments on here, you women are great.

OP you are very self aware and it’s great that you recognize and acknowledge your feelings rather than simply taking a dislike to her without questioning it further. I can see how it can be difficult to see someone go through a stage of your life you miss but some of the things you mention like going out, dressing up etc you can still do! Maybe this is a sign of what you enjoy and value and should invest more time in. It sounds like there are some aspects in your life that you’re unhappy with and you’re kinda latching on to some things she has and getting jealous about that when in fact it’s not great being a junior worker and she’s dating someone that you previously rejected. I hope you feel better soon and manage to get over this OP ❤️

I think you are at a weird stage to be a mentor. When you are younger it is all about developing yourself, and getting on. When you are older, you find a lot of pleasure in helping the next generation and passing on your wisdom and knowledge. You are kind of in the middle of these two things. Just remind yourself you have made the best choices you can for yourself and for good reasons, and that her life is not yours, which is ok.

It's a work place not Bridgeton you are there to do a job so focus on that

Yeah let someone else mentor her as it will affect the dynamic.

At least you are honest about your feelings, many people would not be.

Work on the areas you are struggling with, get your own social life, get a personal stylist and redo your wardrobe.

You are mentoring her, so it's a compliment to you that she's smart.

then sent me some extremely sexual messages about the fantasies he’d had about us.
I am not prude, and unlike many posters on here, I like men, but yuk. If you want a cheap date like him, you'll find endless possibilities on dating sites.

It sounds like both of you have terrible taste in men 😂

why can't you dress smart and go out every weekend?

I would do nothing and continue mentoring her as if nothing happened. In the meanwhile she’s going to get into a relationship with this douchebag you dodged (good job, lucky escape!) and things are going to go downhill for her because he’s a douche and she sounds a bit naive. Stay completely out of it (did I say “completely”?). Watch thing unravel not in a good way. This will not end well for her. Enjoy the ride.

You sound ace. You’re really self aware and you have boundaries (office sex pest).

Find something that lights you up and get on with that- you’ll soon look back on this and laugh.

Just think how lovely it will feel in future to have mentored a bright young women. These work relationships can be so important, even to those who seem outwardly confident. You obviously have a lot to offer her. Support the sisterhood and don’t let these feelings eat into your own self worth.

The sleazy guy sounds awful. Can you try and support your mentee as he may be exploiting her inexperience.

You can get over the jealousy and improve your own lot, if you're her mentor you must be good at what you do. Can you get a mentor yourself?

But honestly keep an eye on this young woman, because pf the office sleeze.

I truly believe and I always try to guide and support with this mentality.. you always teach / train people to be better than you. Their success is then your success. Focus on the work and forget the fuck boy 😊

@PawsPattie But honestly keep an eye on this young woman, because pf the office sleeze.

Terrible advice, if she gets involved in girls relationship with the office douche and warns her against him he’s going to figure that out, she’ll be dragged into the drama and it will impact her position at work negatively. I would recommend her to completely stay out of this drama about to unfold and concentrate on her job.