To stop mentoring girl at work because I’m jealous of her?

[Strawberrycream123]

I’ll try and keep it brief and not lose all my dignity!

Im in my late thirties for context.

I’m mentoring a girl in her twenties at work, and I can’t stop ruminating about how jealous I am of her. She’s at the age where she’s out every weekend, amazing social life. She’s really pretty, dresses well and is SMART. She’s good at her job and has so much potential. She’s friendly to everyone, and I do really like her.

My life is no longer like this, and I miss it so much.

In addition, she’s started seeing a guy at work… who had previously expressed interest in me. It seemed pretty innocent at first and he was friendly and a bit flirty with me, and then sent me some extremely sexual messages about the fantasies he’d had about us. I got cold feet because it felt inappropriate (it’s a colleague and I’m older) and the chat went dry. But now she’s seeing him, I can’t get him out of my head. Classic want what you can’t have I guess. She doesn’t know about any of the flirtation between us before as far as I’m aware.

How do I proceed? I feel like I’ve done a good job of not showing my feelings (hurt and envy) but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

Additionally any advice about how to lose these horrible feeling would be so appreciated… its making me feel awful!

Grow up and get over it. Act your age.

You'll get over the feeling soon. You just need to start seeing all of your own achievements and being proud of where you've reached in life.

I completely get the jealousy thing, but it's a "stay in your lane' issue, just focus on you. I've never met anyone who when I got to know them didn't turn out to have loads of shit or difficulties in their life that I was grateful I didn't have

It's normal to feel envious sometimes. Like any other emotion you can choose to let it dictate how you behave, or you can simply acknowledge the feeling, accept that you have it knowing it will be temporary, and reflect on where it comes from. To stop mentoring this young woman in an attempt to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling might seem very tempting, but it would be a mistake in the long run. It won't help you to address the root cause of these feelings and it won't stop the same thing happening again! She won't be the last smart, attractive woman in her twenties you have to work closely with or spend time with!

Instead of trying to run away from that uncomfortable, jealous feeling by avoiding this woman (who has done nothing wrong!) really listen to what you're feeling. What is the feeling telling you about yourself, about your own life as it is right now and what you want or need to move forward? Because I can assure you the way you're feeling is actually not about her, it's about you.

Could you even tell her that you find her awesomness a bit overwhelming and ask her to dial it back a bit? That would be truly helpful mentoring, if it's actually turning people off her.

Whatever you decide to do, please do NOT do this!

I'd look on the emotions that this has brought up as a sort of warning from your subconscious. Have you got stuck in a rut, old before your time? Maybe your social life in your 30s and 40s isn't the same as in your 20s, but it should still be good. Do you need to be a bit more adventurous, do you want to try and step up in your own career?

Please PLEASE don't be this person @Strawberrycream123.

I do admire your candour and your ability to recognise your emotions and feel motivated enough to want to change but jealousy is absolutely horrible, particularly for the target.

Not to sound like a complete dick but I have experienced a lot of jealousy throughout my life as I am one of those confident people that seem to trigger some and it's genuinely unfair. If I was mean or horrible then that's one thing but when a person is a good egg and simply triggers people then I think it is terribly cruel in some ways as people are who they are.

This is fundamentally all about you. You're only in your thirties and it sounds like in some way you have prematurely assigned yourself to the scrap heap. Why not enjoy being around a younger person and tap into that energy and vibrancy? You said she is a lovely person and smart so you should be excited about taking someone like this under your wing. And I think the roles of mentor/mentee should be symbiotic don't you? What can she teach you? What can she bring to your table with regard to learning from her? This is an opportunity to both learn and grow.

And on a superficial note, what is about her social life and appearance that bothers you? Did you never have this or are you feeling wistful? Do you get out much? Have you a decent social circle? Dig deep on what it is that bothers you and make those changes to your own life so that you won't feel so challenged by someone simply being who they are and living their life.

Not going to say much about the work guy. He sounds wholly unsuitable anyway if you're looking for a genuine connection. Who even does that it in work? You'll probably find he's tried it on with everyone which is just completely revolting so I wouldn't even give that a second thought to be honest.....you dodged a bullet!

Please treat yourself and this girl with compassion and see it as an opportunity to enrich one another's lives. I believe we come across people for a reason and it's up to you to decide what that is and turn it into a positive.

Please don’t take these feelings out on this young woman. One of the things I despise most in workplaces is senior women slamming the door shut behind them instead of supporting and mentoring younger women. We need each other and you’re doing something really important mentoring her.

Its hard enough for women in the workplace dealing with misogyny without also having to deal with jealous women.

i love you honesty OP! Refreshing.

you are only human and what you are feeling is a completely normal human emotion in my opinion

what can you do?
you can’t control what she or he feel or do, so let it go
be the best you can be
keep moving forward!

Natural to feel envious of the things that you no longer do but life moves on. Personally I had a great time when I was in my 20’s but I wouldn’t want it now.
You just need to feel the gratitude for what you had then and what you have now. I bet that office romance will bite the dust and then the poor young woman will be heartbroken. Life will be hard for her in the office then. I have a daughter in her 20’s and I really feel empathy for young women and their trials and tribulations.

oh for goodness sake. Behave. We’re all human. She’s being honest and asking for advice!

You are in your thirties, a place I would love to be again so remember, envy is all relative. Also, don't even give the office letch an inch of your valuable headspace! Your radar told you that from the beginning, so listen to it now.
Your mentee sounds lovely and so do you. You are just at different stages and your time is right where you are now. Embrace it cos you're worth it.

it is a good idea to focus on improving yourself, over fixating on the younger colleague. You don’t know about her challenges and issues, either.

if you want more, find a way to get it. Don’t drive yourself crazy by watching her.

how do you want to be remembered by this colleague? I would want to make a positive impact. Some day, some how, maybe one day you will cross paths again. Maybe she will flourish, given the smarts she has, maybe one day she will remember the wonderful launch you gave her and will want to pay it back and forwards. Perhaps she will introduce you to some wonderful people, or share a great job opportunity with you or become your respectful boss, just as you once showed her respect, when she was starting out. You never know. Better to feel proud at the great contribution you made, rather than being mean because of jealousy.

It’s good you’ve recognised the problem and you need to work on the jealousy aspect of your relationship with her and stay professional. I’m sure those feelings will pass before long.

However, as her mentor, I’d be warning her off the office Romeo, especially if he was sending you inappropriate pics previously. He sounds like a total arsehole and it won’t help her career prospects to get suckered in by him. You’d be doing her a huge favour.

You're in your 30s, your life isn't over. You can still go out, have fun. I started a job in my 30 and worked with some younger girls. I made really good friends with them and we had some amazing nights out. Age is just a number. As for this guy. Seems like she needs someone to look out for her. He sounds like a creep. You don't have to tell her and I'd not interfere as you'll come off as jealous if he tells her what's happened previously, but you can still keep an eye on her and make sure she's OK, show her how to be amazing at her job like you are, and make friends with her. You'll have such a better time.

Ask her to Mentor you. It’s the wrong way round.

You focus on being a great mentor for this young woman. She’s going to face enough barriers in her career and discrimination as the years go by, and you make sure you’re the person she remembers as someone who supported her. Not being the jealous women at work who made up fantasies about the guy she was seeing… because honestly that’s how he’ll spin it. Nothing positive can come from you being jealous and trying to sabotage that relationship.
Anyway, you think you're doing a great job of not showing it, but theres a chance that’s not the case. She’s possibly doing an even better job of putting up with your comments & fakery. You say you like her, but reading between the lines, you resent her. And honestly, bitterness will only consume you. Get a hobby, and let her be happy.

I think people are being a bit hard on you. It's obviously not great to feel envy to this extent but you've recognised it and are trying to mitigate it. If you do have the opportunity to stop mentoring her without any real repercussions, then maybe it's fair to both you and her. As well as giving er the fairest outcome, you are also entitled to go to work and not have to feel a lot of these feelings. It stepping away doesn't impact your job or reputation then I'd be kind to yourself and do it. What's realistically to be gained in the long run?

I once in my 30s found myself “missing” my 20s and the freedom I had and the nights out etc. jumped at a chance for a night out and by a couple hours in was desperate to go home to my sofa, my bed and my kid. I learned that night that we have seasons for everything in life and I definitely was remembering my youth with rose tinted glasses. I’m 40 next year and am so much more secure in myself now than I was when I was younger and have no desire to go back to that lifestyle. But if you want to go out more have more of a social life etc. then do it! It’s your life and you can choose how you live it - but sitting around envious of your younger colleague is not going to get you anything you want

Spend some time thinking about what is lacking in your life that is making you jealous and reflect on why that is. You mention her social life, why is yours no longer fulfilling? Do you have kids? Are you lonely? Are there things you wish you were doing like going to gigs? You also mention jealousy overthe office creep....Trust your instincts, he sounds revolting but is her relationship highlighting your lack of relationship and that's your real issue?

If she’s brilliant and you’re mentoring her, it sounds like you can’t be too bad yourself! Use your feelings as motivation to make some small changes to boost your self esteem - new haircut, clothes, hobbies etc.

Envy is certainly a tricky emotion to ride. Sounds like the universe might be offering you a lesson. Good time for some self reflection possibly?

found this podcast you might find interesting. It’s based on the work on Brene Brown:

www.thewholephysician.com/podcasts/drive-time-debrief-with-the-whole-physician/episodes/2147853724

It’s really tough to mentor people especially when you may recognise that they have a potential to perhaps go a lot further in their career than you have. I have been in that sort of position (not the rest of your scenario) previously. The way I phrased it in my head is that I’m there to help them, coach and mentor them to be the best version of themselves. If they progress further than me in their chosen career then I’ve done a great job and they will remember that. They do always remember good coaching and mentoring. So take that positive away 😊

I found a therapist saying to me "remember you've chosen your life, every little decision you've made was aiming for this and if it isnt right you can maje different choices every day". Try and remember why you've chosen this. If you're mentoring her im guessing you'll be more senior, and earning more money, being senior has sacrifices and youve chosen those for the role. It would be inappropriate to have workplace liaisons in your position, so you're wise to have stopped it dead, you made that choice because you want that level of role and the respect of your colleagues. You're not going out drinking and socialising all the time because you've more responsibilities (at work but I imagine at home too, you possibly own a home you're proud of and want to spend time in, and you made choices along the way to go from spending money partying to spending money on a home you love, food that's nutritious, getting enough sleep, having meaningful and fulfilling friendships not just based on boozing). The reality is you can give all the things you've chosen up, you can take a lower paid and less responsible job, bang guys in the office and spend the weekend drunk with people who are just passing through your life - you CAN make that choice, there's no need to be jealous. You won't make that choice because you've stopped those things and CHOSEN your current life. I wake up every day and spend a couple of mins remembering "I chose this, I love having XYZ, if I want to choose differently I can, but I don't" - if I ever went "oh actually I don't want to choose this today" then I know to stop and think about a change I want to make to move to what I do want life to be like.
Eventually she'll begin making similar choices you made and working hard to get to where you are now, and if she doesn't then that's her choice too.

You're totally in control of your life, you're not stuck, yes you can't have everything, so your current choices have meant giving things up or sacrificing certain activities or options, but it doesn't mean you haven't chosen this life and these options. Do you really want to be back in a junior role, grafting to make everyone like you, socialising even when you can't be bothered or you're tired because you don't want to lose your friends - no I doubt it. Choose your life again every morning and remember it's what you've worked hard for.

Jealousy is a healthy emotion. It shows us what we want in life. Obviously you can't have her youth, but can you use your emotion as an incentive to add to your life the things she has that you want? Go out more? Revamp your looks? Find a workplace mentor for yourself and develop your career? Start dating until you find a man worthy of you (who ideally isn't the office sex-pest)?

And maybe also take stock of what you have that she hasn't, things she may be jealous of. Maybe you are further along your career path, have better financial stability, a nicer or more secure home, have children, have travelled etc.

This is sad yo hear, mentoring can bring a real joy and satisfaction. She will be you one day, she will also get to be late 3ps just like you. It sounda like you could do with some coaching and mentoring yourself, maybe try and find someone to help you with this, we all go through thinga but sometimes we need a helping hand. Which coaching and mentoring can offer. The situation with the guy, you ended it yourself and he sounds like a player. I don't mix work with personal but some people have met their life partners through work. You obviously werent into him that much as his messages put you off but you can't deny him or her the chance to see if they do hit it off, or maybe hes a bit seedy and she will realise soon enough. Either way try to work on yourself and at least you have recognised how youbare feeling and are doing someyhing about it.

You’re mentoring her so you already have loads going for you. A boss of mine always acted like our mentor and kept saying - I want you to fly, I want to be the person, that when you look back at your career, you say I made it because they helped me/showed me the way/enabled me etc.

shes retired now and enjoying her passions, but a lot of us still talk about her fondly.