To stop mentoring girl at work because I’m jealous of her?

[Strawberrycream123]

I’ll try and keep it brief and not lose all my dignity!

Im in my late thirties for context.

I’m mentoring a girl in her twenties at work, and I can’t stop ruminating about how jealous I am of her. She’s at the age where she’s out every weekend, amazing social life. She’s really pretty, dresses well and is SMART. She’s good at her job and has so much potential. She’s friendly to everyone, and I do really like her.

My life is no longer like this, and I miss it so much.

In addition, she’s started seeing a guy at work… who had previously expressed interest in me. It seemed pretty innocent at first and he was friendly and a bit flirty with me, and then sent me some extremely sexual messages about the fantasies he’d had about us. I got cold feet because it felt inappropriate (it’s a colleague and I’m older) and the chat went dry. But now she’s seeing him, I can’t get him out of my head. Classic want what you can’t have I guess. She doesn’t know about any of the flirtation between us before as far as I’m aware.

How do I proceed? I feel like I’ve done a good job of not showing my feelings (hurt and envy) but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

Additionally any advice about how to lose these horrible feeling would be so appreciated… its making me feel awful!

You're at work and you're supposed to do your job in a professional manner. If you are having difficulties because of your feelings of jealousy, you need to focus on your own life and improving things for yourself. Jealousy is futile - there will always be younger/prettier/smarter women. Don't make the mistake of thinking that because of this she doesn't have the same problems, insecurities and disappointments as other people. She doesn't have a charmed life. She sounds like a nice person. If this is really causing you anguish, perhaps you should look into counselling for yourself.

pritty much, or fake x emotions until the desires etc fade

He's a sleazy git.

You're both better off without, and you should feel good that you are mentoring someone so bright and keen.

Ps I agree warn her off the sleaze ball ugh why is there always one.

also as pp say people are presenting their best self at work. How do you know what she goes home to. I’ve had a mentor thinking I live a charmed life cos I keep drama away from work. In reality my life out of work is totally fucked.

I had a hellish time in 1 job when I was in my 20s. I wad attractive and went out a lot. Some women did nothing but bring me down. Nasty comments about my looks. Critical of my work for no reason. It has made me very cautious of work relationships and affects my confidence to this day. You never know what her life will hold so please don't be an arse.

My thoughts too. Lucky escape if you ask me 🙄

I felt like this when I visited my dd at uni and it bought back memories of the fantastic time I had at uni. It wasn’t so much jealousy, as obviously I was pleased for her, and anyway my early 50’s self wouldn’t even want to be doing all that now, BUT it was a real sense of nostalgia and sadness that I would never feel like that again. A real sense of loss of youth and vitality.

Getting old sucks really, doesn’t it.

I don't really agree that it will go. Best to let someone else take on the mentoring.

"Could you even tell her that you find her awesomness a bit overwhelming and ask her to dial it back a bit? That would be truly helpful mentoring, if it's actually turning people off her."

Please don't do this.

That's exactly how this struck me. Honestly, OP, you should be feeling sorry for her, or at least keeping an eye from a distance. Getting with Mr Office Sleaze doesn't sound like the action of someone smart or professionally savvy. If you're mentoring her, it might legitimately come up as a workplace concern in your interaction, especially if he's older/more senior than she is. (How do you know they're seeing one another, incidentally? Is it generally known?)

She doesn't sound like the towering figure of brains and beauty you've built her up into in your head. You had the cop on to decline the advances of the sleazy colleague, and she didn't, for whatever reason. She may be nice, pretty, good at socialising and good at her job, but I think you've artificially inflated her into some kind of icon.

There are some truly batshit comments on this thread. Honestly, truly, batshit.

But the mentoring is probably an optional extra and not the main thing OP gets paid for so she could probably decline to continue.

Presumably you are mentoring her as part of a professional role, and the fact you have done it will benefit you.

This guy she's seeing seems like a right catch (not). Why are you jealous of her seeing someone who sends inappropriate messages before anything even happened?

You should just get on and do your job, including the mentoring.

A lot of people can't do this. OP might have children or just be at a different stage in life.
I'm single and childless, but I just can't have the social life my younger colleagues have.

You sound as if you don't want him ,but you don't want him seeing someone else. Maybe you need to grow up .

It's great that you understand your feelings.

The man wasn't anything to wish for, so that is a red herring.

Think about the mentorship - how often does it happen? If you weren't her mentor would it change anything, or you would your level of contact be about the same? Is there anyone else who might be relevant as her mentor? Do you feel you prefer getting a break from that, or do you value overcoming the issue more now?

It might be a case when allowing yourself to explore your options (about the mentorship) might allow you to continue more happily.

”Compare and despair” as they say. You need to stop it as it’s destructive and pointless

Even worse to compare yourself to someone at a different stage of their life?

Start to focus on yourself and what you want to do outside of work as you’ve got in a rut.

You were right not to get involved with the guy at work.

At work I say lift people up op. Don’t bring her down for nothing that she’s done. Lift her up.

I found myself in a similar situation not long ago. I’m in my early 40s and back from maternity leave. I was old news and my younger, pretty colleague, that I had trained up, was now my boss. She also dates, has no kids and always has hair and makeup done to perfection. (Unlike me, wrinkles, greying, put whatever on, no time to get dressed properly with toddler pulling everything out of wardrobe while trying to get ready for work).

I asked to move business areas and since I did it’s been better. I like work now (I still look messy!), but at least I can enjoy the workday.

You could live vicariously through her you know. You're her mentor.

If you cant do this, find her another mentor, catch up with her occassionally but support her because you can.

I personally find helping others progress doesn't feel hugely different than achieving great things myself!

This is really great advice. Help this woman and use it as an inspiration for yourself? Be the woman she could become and you’ll both benefit

Ive had a couple of fantastic women seniors over my career and now whenever I have a junior female to work with I think of them and try to pass on what they gave me

Oh and forget the creep. Like everyone says you dodged a bullet there

Come on, love, you’re better than this. You can absolutely decide how you feel- by focusing on the positives in your life and recognising that you have had all she has now, no one gets to have that twice, and are at a point where your skills and knowledge are more valuable. Being jealous is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die! Maybe try a bit of grateful reflection for what you have, where you are at in life, visualising what you do want if something is lacking rather than what you don’t want or have. Then focus on achieving it.

All this “pretty facade” is going to come crumbling down fast once she gets involved with the office creep, you’ll no longer be jealous of her, you’ll be glad to be you 🤣

(For future reference: don’t get too hooked up on how things look on the surface and learn how to love yourself more).

You absolutely need to get control of this. Don't even think of stopping your mentoring of this woman. She may be the first, but she certainly won't be the last young woman to trigger these feelings in you, and you can't go through life avoiding them all, so you need to find a way to get these feelings boxed up in a corner of your mind labelled 'wistful nostalgia for the past' and move on. Because this woman should not be a comparator for you. She is a different age and lifestage. You were once at that stage and before long she will be at yours. Just different points on a journey we are all on. The guy makes it worse admittedly. But to be completely honest, I'd rather be you, the woman who didn't progress things, than her, the woman with a BF who unbeknown to her also has the hots for his older colleague who turned him down.