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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation asking for cash gifts in advance

330 replies

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 17:49

We are invited to a good friends wedding next summer. The invitation has arrived today, the wedding is going to be at a country house quite a fancy one, and there's a card for a gift list.

I usually do give cash these days so not sure if IABU to find this offensive:

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

I think it's the fact they're having what seems to be an expensive wedding and asking the guests to pay towards it - is this the done thing these days??

OP posts:
Cornflakelover · 26/06/2024 20:00

But what happens if the wedding doesn’t go ahead

i bet you won’t get a refund

shellyleppard · 26/06/2024 20:01

That's really cheeky in my opinion

fluffiphlox · 26/06/2024 20:01

How vulgar.

LadyFeatheringt0n · 26/06/2024 20:02

Horrendous

Don't host a wedding you aren't willing to pay for.

LadyFeatheringt0n · 26/06/2024 20:05

Also unbelievably entitled to put "we ask that you don't bring gifts on the day"
Its pushy - they know full well most people feel its socially required to gift something and by asking you not to bring a physical gift they are pushing for cash.

I would 100% buy them a physical gift. I'd drop it round just before or just after the wedding so as not to take it on the day. Gifts are things you graciously receive not things you choose/demand.

Rebusmyfire · 26/06/2024 20:05

Rather risky if depending on this money to pay suppliers.
What if the majority of guests do an eye roll and buy them a toaster - how do they pay for the wedding then?
They must have an amount in mind to break even or make a profit

Beautifulbythebay · 26/06/2024 20:06

Send a cheque dated 2025....

xyz111 · 26/06/2024 20:07

I read something the other day that a couple did this, then cancelled the wedding!!!! I would not be comfortable giving money upfront. That's not how weddings work.

LadyFeatheringt0n · 26/06/2024 20:08

It's hardly paying for their wedding. How much does a couple spend on a gift or cash nowadays? Depending on the number of guests is likely only a grand or two.

We had 90 guests, 80 adults, i'd say on average £100 per couple was spent (some less, some considerably more). £4,000 is not an insignificant amount of money and that was 10 years ago.

xyz111 · 26/06/2024 20:08

Itsrainingten · 26/06/2024 17:58

Honestly I don't understand why people get outraged at stuff like this. Seems totally reasonable to me. They're not demanding cash! They're just saying if you want to give cash please do it before so it can go towards the wedding. Maybe they're going to put the money behind the bar or something.
Are all the people who find this rude older? I think it might be a generational thing.
We didn't want "stuff" when we got married. Didn't ask for cash either, just didn't mention gifts, knowing most people would probably give cash if they wanted to give anything.
I don't actually think asking for cash if you choose to give anything is really any different to having a gift list.

Give over, they're never putting it behind the bar 🤣

GingerPirate · 26/06/2024 20:17

Crass.
But, money rules absolutely everything.
Send a fiver and don't attend.
😂

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/06/2024 20:19

I also see nothing respectful in the bit about "those who want to give gifts"

They know perfectly well that most guests will want to give something - or at least feel obliged to - so really it's just a bit of flannel attempting to sweeten the uglier part of the message

Notably, even those who find this acceptable have suggested no reason why giving 9 months before might be a good idea, so sadly we just seem to be left with that ugliness I mentioned

Typo

NewName24 · 26/06/2024 20:33

I don't actually think asking for cash if you choose to give anything is really any different to having a gift list.

I don't thik anyone on this thread is disagreeing with that @Itsrainingten . Many (most?) of us are quite happy to give cash when we go to a wedding.

It's the "buying your ticket 9 - 12 months ahead" that most people are shocked by.

Saschka · 26/06/2024 20:39

BMW6 · 26/06/2024 18:15

Nothing wrong with asking for cash instead of gifts, BUT NOT A YEAR AHEAD OF THE WEDDING

Sorry to shout but I think a lot of posters have missed this crucial point!

Yep exactly! Cash is fine, this is pretty much buying a ticket to their wedding.

Ahhhhhbisto · 26/06/2024 20:45

Eeeek that's embarasssing. So they are basically asking guests to fund their wedding? Will this help to decide if you get one glass of wine or two with your meal?!

Reminds me of my SIL who the day before the wedding sent a group text "reminding" people that anyone who was giving a cheque instead of cash (already very presumptuous) needs to make it out to her maiden name. The same message was sent out to all of BILs family too so his side of the family were supposed to write cheques to her Shock

Original poster
FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 22:09

DH feels the same as me - that it's really rude and vulgar. I'm going to send a message to friend but not sure how to word it. Something like:

"Thank you for the wedding invitation- we are very excited and hoping to attend. To clarify - do you need money transferring beforehand to make payments for wedding suppliers? We have never encountered this before and would have given cash as a gift but on the day of the wedding not in advance. Hope that's ok and the planning is going well."

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 26/06/2024 22:11

I like a list or a request for money etc as I hate things being wasted so I would rather make sure someone has what they wanted. I think the only thing that's wrong with this wedding invite is that they are asking for it before the wedding. Just a no no. People usually have to pay for the wedding then would use any money towards a honeymoon. Or in reality they could use any money to clear a credit card if they have used that to pay for the wedding. But it's not the done thing to ask for gifts/ money before the wedding. I think I would just transfer the money and be done with it though.

Beautifulbythebay · 26/06/2024 22:12

Send a packet of T towels for the B&G - to finish off the washing up if the pesky guests don't cough up enough to cover the clear up next day...

Greatmate · 26/06/2024 22:38

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 22:09

DH feels the same as me - that it's really rude and vulgar. I'm going to send a message to friend but not sure how to word it. Something like:

"Thank you for the wedding invitation- we are very excited and hoping to attend. To clarify - do you need money transferring beforehand to make payments for wedding suppliers? We have never encountered this before and would have given cash as a gift but on the day of the wedding not in advance. Hope that's ok and the planning is going well."

It says "for those of you that choose to give a gift". You don't need to give anything. Put a check in a card, if it's your intention to give on the day, and say no more. Well that's if you like the bride/groom Ne don't want to fall out over nonsense.

ChampagneLassie · 26/06/2024 22:47

I started going to weddings twenty years ago and money gifts were the norm then so it’s hardly new. Almost every wedding I’ve been to has asked for cash, normally they’ve said towards their honeymoon. The only two that didn’t couple were very wealthy and insisted no gifts and another was abroad and they insisted no gifts due to expenses everyone incurring. I think it’s easy, and frankly whatever they’re putting the money towards is really up to them.

ChampagneLassie · 26/06/2024 22:48

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 22:09

DH feels the same as me - that it's really rude and vulgar. I'm going to send a message to friend but not sure how to word it. Something like:

"Thank you for the wedding invitation- we are very excited and hoping to attend. To clarify - do you need money transferring beforehand to make payments for wedding suppliers? We have never encountered this before and would have given cash as a gift but on the day of the wedding not in advance. Hope that's ok and the planning is going well."

What are you hoping to achieve? To make them feel awkward and embarrassed. Honestly if youted that offended just decline the invite

StormingNorman · 26/06/2024 22:49

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 22:09

DH feels the same as me - that it's really rude and vulgar. I'm going to send a message to friend but not sure how to word it. Something like:

"Thank you for the wedding invitation- we are very excited and hoping to attend. To clarify - do you need money transferring beforehand to make payments for wedding suppliers? We have never encountered this before and would have given cash as a gift but on the day of the wedding not in advance. Hope that's ok and the planning is going well."

That’s even ruder than the request to pay for your meal. Go and give a physical gift or play the game. Shaming your friend is so passive aggressive and rude.

NewName24 · 26/06/2024 23:02

ChampagneLassie · 26/06/2024 22:47

I started going to weddings twenty years ago and money gifts were the norm then so it’s hardly new. Almost every wedding I’ve been to has asked for cash, normally they’ve said towards their honeymoon. The only two that didn’t couple were very wealthy and insisted no gifts and another was abroad and they insisted no gifts due to expenses everyone incurring. I think it’s easy, and frankly whatever they’re putting the money towards is really up to them.

Quite.
As virtually everyone is agreeing with.
When you go to a wedding, it is very normal to put a cash (or cheque) donation in the card.
That's not what this couple are asking though.
They want people to all chip in, a year or so in advance. Like a 'Go Fund Me' or Crowd funding for their wedding party.

Which is entirely different.

NewName24 · 26/06/2024 23:03

Beautifulbythebay · 26/06/2024 22:12

Send a packet of T towels for the B&G - to finish off the washing up if the pesky guests don't cough up enough to cover the clear up next day...

Good thinking Grin

BeaRF75 · 26/06/2024 23:04

Yuck. They are basically selling tickets to the wedding. How vulgar.