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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation asking for cash gifts in advance

330 replies

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 17:49

We are invited to a good friends wedding next summer. The invitation has arrived today, the wedding is going to be at a country house quite a fancy one, and there's a card for a gift list.

I usually do give cash these days so not sure if IABU to find this offensive:

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

I think it's the fact they're having what seems to be an expensive wedding and asking the guests to pay towards it - is this the done thing these days??

OP posts:
HowIrresponsible · 01/07/2024 17:28

I can only imagine a lot of the posters on here are older or have no idea on the cost of a wedding these days.

What sort of wedding? The license fee is cheap and so is a registry office.

If couples want stately homes, castles, horse drawn carriages, expensive food, favours, etc etc then they shouldn't invoice their guests 9 months before the wedding to pay it for you.

A wedding is as expensive as you want it to be

Dontevenlookatme · 01/07/2024 17:31

NewName24 · 01/07/2024 17:23

I can only imagine a lot of the posters on here are older or have no idea on the cost of a wedding these days.

I, and probably many other "older" posters on here do know how much weddings cost as I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been involved in supporting younger relatives and friends in planning their weddings.
As a mass generalisation, I would suggest that the older MNers probably have experienced more weddings, and have a bit more experience about how much of what some people spend is just so wasteful. There are lots of ways to have a wedding. If you can't afford the one you want, you look at other ways, you don't try and crowdfund it.

Well, quite.

I worked with someone who turned her hobby into a thriving business because she realised she could aim what she produced at the wedding market and charge pretty much what she liked. She’s made a fortune.

bows101 · 01/07/2024 17:55

I don't see an issue with this. It gives people time and flexibility to gift money/voucher as and when they can/if they want to. It's not uncommon for it to come with the invitation either, it covers the awkwardness of it which could lead to confusion about gifts on the day.
This was on the most recent invitation we received and definitely didn't think twice about it.

Wedding invitation asking for cash gifts in advance
TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 01/07/2024 17:57

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 17:49

We are invited to a good friends wedding next summer. The invitation has arrived today, the wedding is going to be at a country house quite a fancy one, and there's a card for a gift list.

I usually do give cash these days so not sure if IABU to find this offensive:

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

I think it's the fact they're having what seems to be an expensive wedding and asking the guests to pay towards it - is this the done thing these days??

What date is the wedding?! Ask for a cash present months before the wedding is pretty cheeky. Especially since you don't know if the wedding will actually go ahead 🤣

Or if you'll be able to attend. I always give a cash gift but only on the day, or afterwards. I don't ever "advance" the couple a few bob!

countcalculia · 01/07/2024 17:58

I wouldn't pay before the wedding. If the wedding is cancelled for any reason, I highly doubt they would return the cash.

Although don't be like my tight arse relatives who RSVP'd yes and did a no show, costing me £££ per head, and they didn't even send a gift as an apology.

Starlightstarbright3 · 01/07/2024 18:10

This reminds me of a story online ( America )

The bride raised money for her wedding - cancelled wedding.. went on honeymoon with money raised for the wedding . Planned to have the wedding in the future .. when they would re open funding . Then got shocked when people demanded money back … now I know this was online so no idea if it has that cf about it

yaddayaddayah · 01/07/2024 19:51

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 22:09

DH feels the same as me - that it's really rude and vulgar. I'm going to send a message to friend but not sure how to word it. Something like:

"Thank you for the wedding invitation- we are very excited and hoping to attend. To clarify - do you need money transferring beforehand to make payments for wedding suppliers? We have never encountered this before and would have given cash as a gift but on the day of the wedding not in advance. Hope that's ok and the planning is going well."

Need to know their response to this!

I think it’s awful!

yaddayaddayah · 01/07/2024 19:52

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 01/07/2024 17:57

What date is the wedding?! Ask for a cash present months before the wedding is pretty cheeky. Especially since you don't know if the wedding will actually go ahead 🤣

Or if you'll be able to attend. I always give a cash gift but only on the day, or afterwards. I don't ever "advance" the couple a few bob!

Show quote history

If it’s next summer they’re presumably asking for money a good 9 months before the wedding itself!?! Madness!

wizzyderbyshire · 01/07/2024 21:28

When we got married - we sent a ‘thing’ that said we didn’t want gifts but if people wanted to give anything we would donate to a couple of charities (Guide Dogs and a homeless one) worked for us

financialcareerstuff · 02/07/2024 09:11

I think it's just pragmatic.
Particularly now that couples are often older when getting married, and moved in already, or combining two households, the traditional 'buy them tons of random crap for the house' thing is just a total waste for everybody.

I hate the whole traditional wedding list. No less transactional!

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 02/07/2024 14:06

AyrshireTryer · 26/06/2024 17:53

Sounds reasonable.

I agree with this 💯 %.
If giving cash anyway makes no difference really.

Ragwort · 02/07/2024 17:51

Why don't people read the original post ... ... It's not about giving money as a gift, it's the fact that it is being requested nearly A YEAR BEFORE THE WEDDING WITH A DEADLINE OF WHEN THEY WANT THE MONEY !!!!!

Do people really find not that very odd and greedy?

HowIrresponsible · 02/07/2024 18:02

Ragwort · 02/07/2024 17:51

Why don't people read the original post ... ... It's not about giving money as a gift, it's the fact that it is being requested nearly A YEAR BEFORE THE WEDDING WITH A DEADLINE OF WHEN THEY WANT THE MONEY !!!!!

Do people really find not that very odd and greedy?

They don't want a present they want guests to pay for their place.

Heidi75 · 03/07/2024 13:50

I hate this - it's incredibly tacky and if you cannot afford the venue and items you have chosen then choose something else! I'd get them a toaster ;-)

TheKeatingFive · 03/07/2024 14:05

Heidi75 · 03/07/2024 13:50

I hate this - it's incredibly tacky and if you cannot afford the venue and items you have chosen then choose something else! I'd get them a toaster ;-)

So you'd get them something they dont want or need to make a point? Why? That's incredibly wasteful. They're clear in their message that you don't need to give anything.

HowIrresponsible · 03/07/2024 14:06

TheKeatingFive · 03/07/2024 14:05

So you'd get them something they dont want or need to make a point? Why? That's incredibly wasteful. They're clear in their message that you don't need to give anything.

Show quote history

Read the thread. They want the cash 9 months before the wedding. That's dreadful. Making guests pay for your wedding 9 months in advance

Georgesbar24 · 03/07/2024 14:06

It’s unusual but I wouldn’t mind at all and actually a wedding that was connected to the wedding makes a lot of sense in my mind.

Lampzade · 03/07/2024 14:08

I can just about tolerate people asking for money towards their honeymoon, but asking for a contribution towards the actual wedding (in advance) is tacky AF

TheKeatingFive · 03/07/2024 14:12

HowIrresponsible · 03/07/2024 14:06

Read the thread. They want the cash 9 months before the wedding. That's dreadful. Making guests pay for your wedding 9 months in advance

Show quote history

That's not relevant to the 'I'd buy them a toaster' point, though is it?

SiobhanSharpe · 03/07/2024 14:22

This is a 'Go Fund Me' in all but name.
'Go Fund My Wedding' ....
but what happens if the wedding doesn't take place?
I thought many Go Fund Me appeals have conditions in place that the some or all of the money will be returned if the operation/court case etc doesn't in fact happen....

Heidi75 · 03/07/2024 14:49

TheKeatingFive · 03/07/2024 14:05

So you'd get them something they dont want or need to make a point? Why? That's incredibly wasteful. They're clear in their message that you don't need to give anything.

Show quote history

Not sure you get sarcasm 😂 It was tongue in cheek, of course, I wouldn't buy them a toaster 🙄 I would happily give them some money on the wedding day in a card (although I really hate money gifts) but I wouldn;t be sending it several months before the event, asking in that way IS tacky

Heidi75 · 03/07/2024 14:50

TheKeatingFive · 03/07/2024 14:12

That's not relevant to the 'I'd buy them a toaster' point, though is it?

Show quote history

Of course it is - I don;t think you get sarcasm

MixedCouple2 · 03/07/2024 14:52

I don't attend such wessimga and if I do I don't give anything but a card. I find that so rude 1, to ask 2, to specifiy what the gift is.

The only acceptable thing I have seen is in a the invite the couple requeated a donation to a selected registered Charity. Brilliant idea.

I been married twice and never stipulated what gifts etc. Whatever someone wants to gift is nice.

KarenOnTour · 03/07/2024 14:56

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 17:49

We are invited to a good friends wedding next summer. The invitation has arrived today, the wedding is going to be at a country house quite a fancy one, and there's a card for a gift list.

I usually do give cash these days so not sure if IABU to find this offensive:

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

I think it's the fact they're having what seems to be an expensive wedding and asking the guests to pay towards it - is this the done thing these days??

Are they really good friends, OP?

A good friend wouldn't be so judgmental and outraged, and certainly wouldn't put them on blast on a public forum for having what amounts to a different type of gift list

The only crass thing is peoples judgey response to others weddings- no one is making you go, give a gift or even be their friend. They did say they aren't expecting anything.

Chill out- Let them be happy

If you already have household stuff, presents are wasteful. At our wedding we said we didn't want presents (as we have everything we want, and all our own taste too) - however people didn't listen and we ended up doing a charity shop run the next week with household items that had been gifted - and I did wonder why people chose to completely ignore the fact we had asked specifically for nothing and do what they wanted anyway.

TheKeatingFive · 03/07/2024 15:07

Heidi75 · 03/07/2024 14:50

Of course it is - I don;t think you get sarcasm

Show quote history

Well why don't you explain ðŸ«