Wedding invitation asking for cash gifts in advance

[FishPhoods]

We are invited to a good friends wedding next summer. The invitation has arrived today, the wedding is going to be at a country house quite a fancy one, and there's a card for a gift list.

I usually do give cash these days so not sure if IABU to find this offensive:

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

I think it's the fact they're having what seems to be an expensive wedding and asking the guests to pay towards it - is this the done thing these days??

We're not in India or China.
We have cultural norms here. Paying upfront for a wedding isn't one.

Ah, I see what you mean, Liveafr, though while it certainly was once the case I wouldn't have said that "In Europe and the USA the tradition/cultural norm is to give presents unless explicitely told differently" applies any more

Each to their own of course, but I'm probably older than most on here and have honestly not known anyone for years who'd give anything except money - apart from the "Old Aunt Dot" type who so many families have, who considers her homemade wonky crafts just the thing for each and every bride and groom

And you'll never persuade Aunt Dot otherwise!!

Awful. Tacky. If you can’t afford a big wedding don’t have one. I’d purposely give a gift.

I wouldn't bother doing this. I'd just give them cash on the day. They'll get the message.

It's weird to me that giving an actual present ( a lovely gesture, imo, requiring some thought and effort) is seen as almost an insult!

I'm sure that you didn't mean to be ageist, but perhaps "Old Aunt Dot" feels awkward about people knowing how much she can spend. Maybe she is of the era when people getting married meant that they were staring their lives together, and beginning to make a home.
Cut Dot some slack!

I know. It is peculiar. I always think it sounds a bit like "we don't want to consider that anyone has decent taste like us, give us cash".
Disclaimer: I know not everyone, but....

I'm so old (Gen X) you didn't even send out a wedding list with the invite when I got married 😂(first time) ..you waited until people asked if you had one. Second time I said "no gifts" but if people insist a charity donation please. I get that wedding etiquette changes but that would, in the words of MN, make me "clench"😂...

I don't think anyone would see it as 'an insult'
but I can understand recipients thinking 'what a waste of money' when they are potentially on a really tight budget and could have put the £X you spent on them to much better use than that piece of art / vase / 'experience' / bottle of champagne / that you think they would like, when it really isn't what they would like.

I got married decades ago, and we had a gift list available for anyone who wanted to get us something. We still were given 7 glass bowls, 4 clocks, and even some of those decorated plates that people sometimes hang on walls. I doubt any of them were cheap, and none of them were any use to us.
It does bug me (at Christmas as well) when the giver thinks they know better than the person the gift is for.

@NewName24 I think you are missing the point of Christmas gifts a bit. The joy in them is of people choosing something they think you will appreciate and nice versa - it's meant to be a thoughtful gesture, a symbol, not an exchange of shopping lists. Might as well not bother!

I get that with weddings it's a his idea to have a list since no one needs 4 toasters and the point was to set up a home from scratch. Since that's no longer the case for most marriages, I go back to thinking we should end the tradition of wedding presents and let people pay for their own parties and holidays!

That's full of typos - sorry!

I think you are missing the point of Christmas gifts a bit. The joy in them is of people choosing something they think you will appreciate and nice versa - it's meant to be a thoughtful gesture, a symbol, not an exchange of shopping lists. Might as well not bother!

I'm really not.
When we were skint, it was really frustrating to have people spend £££ on a top I'd never wear or some fancy chocolates or wine I didn't like, or a book I wasn't interested in or had already read, when what really would have made my life easier was a new saucepan or soe new bedding.
I always ask people I buy for to point me towards their wishlist. So they then actually get something they want, rather than politely thanking me then storing for a suitable amount of time and giving it to a charity shop .

Why wouldn't you want the recipient to have something they really want ?

What you say is totally logical and one would hope that friends/family know us well enough to have a good idea of what would be useful.
But it does feel a bit joyless. Some of the best presents I've had (and given) are things that I (or the recipient) would never have asked for or thought we needed but turned out to be brilliant.
But yes, I do understand that when you are on the bones of your arse skint, a vase isn't going to be as handy as a saucepan!

Fuck that shit. I'd go but buy them a toaster just to make a point. 🤣

I didn't miss anything. They will need to pay deposits etc.
What if they split up? What if one of them dies? What if you die? What if a nuclear holocaust happens.

Why would you draw such a conclusion?

@FishPhoods did you reply to the couple?

Meh. Cash now vs later. I wouldn’t think much of it. My partner would say it’s weird.

but we got about $300 per couple for our wedding which I never would’ve expected. Maybe the cash is for extras and they’re spending it on you.

@NoThanksymm I think the cash request is to help pay for the actual wedding that they obviously can't afford. It sounds like they want an instagrammable wedding and other people have been suckered in to pay for it.

What a pair of con artists.

We had similar from a not-close relative and his partner. Very tactfully worded, not at all crass or tasteless IMO. We would have given cash anyway. Incidentally it was a relatively low cost wedding, but by far one of the nicest we’ve ever attended. Do in a church hall, afternoon tea on tables with pretty, mismatched china from charity shops, garden flowers in teapots. Lovely!

That wouldn't bother me - I'd read it as, we don't want any gifts but if you really want to give something make a donation. I wouldn't feel under any pressure to make said donation, so the request wouldn't be a problem. I've been to plenty of weddings where people have asked for contributions towards their honeymoon - not much difference imo.

I’d not have an issue with that, folks on here get hysterical about weddings and the right etiquette and what to wear, it’s very odd indeed.

If you like them then do what they ask. Wouldn't bother me at all if I was asked this.

Actually tbh the more I think about it, the more OK I am with it. I think it’s a bit tasteless to ask for the money to be paid so far ahead of the wedding. However being honest about the money being used for the wedding is fine. Weddings are so expensive and such an obscure cost to budget for. If they’re living within their means in all other aspects of their life, the wedding is a big one off event, it makes sense to use the anticipated gift money to pay for it.

People should have the wedding they can afford to pay for themselves & not bankrupt themselves by emulating celebrity Instagram weddings.