Wedding invitation asking for cash gifts in advance

[FishPhoods]

We are invited to a good friends wedding next summer. The invitation has arrived today, the wedding is going to be at a country house quite a fancy one, and there's a card for a gift list.

I usually do give cash these days so not sure if IABU to find this offensive:

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

I think it's the fact they're having what seems to be an expensive wedding and asking the guests to pay towards it - is this the done thing these days??

Are we invited?

Why do people have weddings that are so extravagant and expensive if they can't afford them? Unless you are the Duke of Westminster just stick to a modest wedding. So many people bleat on about how expensive weddings are ... but can't seem to grasp that apart from the legal ceremony everything else is entirely optional and your choice.
So crass to ask for money in advance .. personally I think it's pretty crass to ask for cash at all but I accept that seems to be the 'norm' now.
But I've got to the age / stage in life where weddings absolutely bore me and I politely decline the invitation.

I wouldn't shame them in an email although I agree it's incredibly cheeky but also from a practical standpoint I'd be worried about the outcome and whether the wedding will come off when they say. They're strapped for cash clearly. I could see you getting an email saying they haven't raised enough cash, event is postponed. They who knows if you'd even be able to attend.

Can you ignore it?

This x 10000000000

I'm not bored by weddings but the bit about choice of what to spend is blindingly obvious. And yet ignored by so so many couples.

@AyrshireTryer

Yes, ill send my bank details now and the event details closer to the time

Reply with a suggested contribution but invoice them for the cost of your outfit, travel, accommodation etc. With luck you should break even.

And why not? We are going to a wedding in July and the couple want to go away for a couple of months in a simple motorhome, and have asked for money towards buying it. Fine by me- much better than buying unwanted toasters and other stuff they don't need or want. There is no obligation to contribute- it's up to you. We were happy to give money immediately so they know what they have at disposal.

@FishPhoods Please update us when the deadline passes, as to whether potential guests get their next instructions.

Different scenario. You paid towards a gift, not the actual do!

@FishPhoods , I don't think the follow up text you wrote is needed. You understand what she said perfectly well and thought it was cheeky, no need to embarrass her by asking for clarification. They want a luxury day and have chosen for you to spend it with them. Either send the cash gift in advance or don't, as they say its your choice. If they're close and you love them you would not want to embarrass or make them feel bad.

(for the record I agree its not really the done thing and at my wedding we asked for no gifts, we asked everyone to bring a copy of their favourite book as we had just bought our first home and, pre children, wanted a library room. Most, surprisingly, put money in the books. We did the same at the children's christenings and they now have rooms full of books, most with personalised notes inside).

Read your original post and follow up post..

It’s extremely brazen on the surface.

But ..If they are good friends, is this behaviour out of the ordinary for them?
Could something have happened - redundancy maybe? Or money they had set aside being used for another emergency. And they didn’t want to cancel the whole wedding.

I think calling them out on it in the way you’ve suggested could possibly cause huge embarrassment, possibly an argument - especially if you’re the only ones calling them out on it, they might think you are in the wrong.

Are you friends with one of them more than the other? Could you have a quiet word in person and ask if everything is ok?
I think I would assume things were not well financially, before assuming it was them being brazen.

When my DH was best man for his best mate a few years ago, not only did they request money in the invite but even included their bank details so we could make a transfer! I was cringing so badly. We bought them a painting instead 😂

See I honestly think people who decide they won't give cash when that is what's wanted, or refuse to buy something that's on the gift list just to make a point are way ruder than people who ask for cash in lieu of gifts.
It's all very well saying people should be grateful for gifts but the giver should give a gift that someone wants. Otherwise you're just dumping unwanted stuff on people. Frankly the world has enough waste already without judgy superior people adding to it!

This is the most gorgeous idea! I’m going to borrow it for the future.

My friend had a fairly pricey wedding gift list at John Lewis, mainly consisting of kitchen equipment. One year later they emigrated to Australia and she told me before leaving they sold their entire house contents at a car boot sale and on Gumtree. Then two years later they separated and got divorced.

No you didn’t

Surely no-one is this self centred.

Why on earth would you think a painting were an appropriate unwanted gift ? Imagine if 50 guests decided they would override the B&G's wishes and give them a painting. Even putting aside the fact art is a really personal, subjective thing, it is such a bizarre thing to give to anyone.

In Japan, everyone gives an envelope and it isn't hidden, as every envelope is opened and the value of the gift is recorded in a ledger. Brutal.

The expectation, which may or may not be achieved or exceeded, is that the gifts received would roughly equal the cost of the wedding.

However, someone travelling a great distance would have their travel paid and perhaps a hotel but their gift would also be equal to the overall cost of them travelling and the cost of food and drinks etc.

Thus, the father of the bride could have a reasonably extravagant wedding and hope to break even. There is nothing for the bride and groom to take.

In Thailand, parties are everywhere but again, one might expect to hand over an envelope with a gift that approximated the cost of your attending, or more, if you could afford it. Some elderly or poor might only have very little to contribute and some youngsters may leave nothing but it would be better to refuse to go if you could not contribute adequately.

UK brides and grooms asking for money is poor form but in an age where we already have everything and where we are not setting up home straight after the wedding and thus in need of home appliances or furniture, what use are 10 toasters or even one teas-maid ?

I guess I'd just phrase it better.

It's a gift in exchange to attend the wedding. Anything can happen between then and now.

No wedding, no gift

I can only imagine a lot of the posters on here are older or have no idea on the cost of a wedding these days. There's a weddings on a budget fb group and most people on there are aiming to keep it to 10k-20k. I think the average cost of a wedding in the UK is 28k. Some country houses actually work out to be a cheaper option as they can provide package deals. So even though it seems classy it might be the more "affordable" end around 12k. My friends who have managed to do it on a budget have gone for pubs and only done a meal for 40 people. My family alone comes to 70 people so that would not be an option for me! Even community centre weddings work out around 4-5k. I'm torn myself as I want to get married (was cancelled due to covid) but do not want to drop all my life savings on it, and would be vaguely embarrassed as a middle class professional established in my career to have a community hall! I've stories of friends getting into debt from the wedding and getting half the money back from gifts so I think this is actually a really sensible approach. If you find it cheeky don't send them a message to embarrass them, just don't give them the optional gift!

A ticketed event then

I think this is actually a really sensible approach. If you find it cheeky don't send them a message to embarrass them, just don't give them the optional gift!

I agree with this totally. They are not demanding anything, the wording is very clear that this is only if you want to give them a gift. If you don't - don't!

@NewName24

Not if you know the person well. We bought them a painting we knew they loved, by their favourite artist. They put it up in their living room and it's since made several house moves with them, including across continents.. so I'm pretty sure they liked it..

I really can’t get worked up about this sort of thing now. Relationships have changed, people live together well in advanced of marriage, couples don’t won’t toasters or silver picture frames or a set of wine glasses.

Most give cash and the couple can spend it on whatever they want to. What’s the difference if they put it on a honeymoon or a car or a house deposit? Shouldn’t they be getting the honeymoon or house or car they can afford to?

A gift shouldn’t be anticipated (which they acknowledge) but it also shouldn’t come with strings attached.