Wedding invitation asking for cash gifts in advance

[FishPhoods]

We are invited to a good friends wedding next summer. The invitation has arrived today, the wedding is going to be at a country house quite a fancy one, and there's a card for a gift list.

I usually do give cash these days so not sure if IABU to find this offensive:

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

I think it's the fact they're having what seems to be an expensive wedding and asking the guests to pay towards it - is this the done thing these days??

We had 70 people in a pub. I had a second hand dress and no videographer. It still came to £14k.

I think it was a deliberate snub to the request for cash and bank details in the invitation. That's so crass I would have got them a present just to spite them.

Which would be considerably ruder than the original request but there you go.

Why would you do that? Don't you like these people? If the answer's no just decline the invite.

Why is that so funny if you then reveal they loved it and have put it pride of place in their house?

I don't agree it is rude to give a gift. If they don't like it fine. It's rude to state demands.

Totally agree! Grabby !

It's rude and wasteful. You're just giving them something that's going to gather dust and take up valuable space.

If you don't want to give anything - don't. But buying something to 'put them in their place' is far more crass than anything the B&G are doing.

Of course it's rude to give a girlfriend you know someone doesn't want just to make a point!

A gift obviously! Although giving a girlfriend would be rude too 😂

It's a complete waste of money to buy a gift you KNOW will be unwanted. If you're buying it to make a point or (as I think a PP has said) to 'spite' them, that becomes utterly bizarre. Surely in the OP's case you either a) give money if you want to, or b) don't give money if you don't want to - the couple are fine either way.

I've been to loads of huge Chinese weddings where absolutely loads of people are invited and everyone gives money in red envelopes and at the end people sit and open them and pay the bill with the money.

@HowIrresponsible

It wasn't really a deliberate snub. It was more that I would have found it so so weird and uncomfortable giving close friends a load of cash!

Are people actually reading the OP's original post?

It's not the request for money as a gift .. it's the fact they are asking for it in advance of the wedding.

As for the poster who 'as a middle class professional in an established career I wouldn't want to hold my wedding in a community hall' ... words fail me .....

Fair point. I would also feel awkward

This.
Most weddings we’ve been to over the last 10 years it’s been the norm to ask for cash rather than a physical gift. But the wording is everything- it’s always been worded on the invitations in a ‘we’d rather have your presence than your presents, but if you do feel that you’d like to give a gift we’re gratefully accepting contributions toward our honeymoon’ type of thing. For all I know the cash could have been spent clearing wedding day debts, on a new hot tub, or anything, but that’s kind of irrelevant.
I guess in this case the bride & groom are being honest… But… it does come across as crass & would leave a sour taste in most guests’ mouths, and may well put guests off contributing anything.

Exactly they are crowd funding their wedding and have given a deadline to pay by. September 2024 for a summer wedding

And they've also said no need to give at all. So if people feel strongly - then don't.

Exactly. And in this scenario they would probably rather no gift than "stuff"

Hmm. I didn’t ask for gifts or money for my wedding but at the same time I wouldn’t find this offensive or crass. I would just do as they asked!
you were close enough and important enough to be invited to share the day with them so they obviously felt comfortable asking for what they want rather than be gifted something they don’t need or after the fact! It’s a practical request maybe not worded properly for the faint hearted!

It's rubbish though. They've said you don't have to give a gift whilst asking for money to.pay for their wedding by September 2024 months in advance so they don't have to pay for what they want.

They put that in there to soften the blow but they absolutely want and expect a gift

If you reframe that, they want to include the people they love and make it special for them. They’re going to be spending their wedding gifts on their friends and family.

Ultimately, they will have spent ages trying to find the best & least offensive way to word this. Instead of gifts, they want money towards the wedding which is perfectly fair. You don’t have to contribute anything.
But your contribution, along with others will mean they can spend money on things you as a guest will benefit from and enjoy to make the day even more fun. It also doesn’t say you have to give a gift at all. I think you either love and care about the couple and want to share their day with them, or you’ll be offended by their invitations and approach to the gift list. If it’s the latter, I suspect there’ll be many other elements of the day you don’t like/ wouldn’t chose / don’t agree with / would have an opinion on. And if that sounds like you, then that might be your cue to politely decline.
Honestly, just take it for what it is, a wedding invite & please stop trying to be offended by what is largely a practical approach to making the day more affordable. Life’s too short.

I still remember my wealthy friend asking for money for a loft conversion at her £100k plus wedding, absolutely gobsmacking.

I can only imagine a lot of the posters on here are older or have no idea on the cost of a wedding these days.

I, and probably many other "older" posters on here do know how much weddings cost as I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been involved in supporting younger relatives and friends in planning their weddings.
As a mass generalisation, I would suggest that the older MNers probably have experienced more weddings, and have a bit more experience about how much of what some people spend is just so wasteful. There are lots of ways to have a wedding. If you can't afford the one you want, you look at other ways, you don't try and crowdfund it.