10 year old picked on for not playing computer games

[Duckduckgoose78]

My DS in Yr5 came home from school today upset, saying he's being picked on by two boys in his class because he doesn't play computer games like Roblox or Fortnite. He's also feeling left out of the gaming chat in the classroom and in the playground because he can't join in with them.

It's a conscious decision on our part to not let him play games, we don't have a console (apart from the Wii) and he has a busy life with lots of activities after school and at the weekend so there's no time anyway! He would likely not be able to self regulate, and although he is much better now, he did used to get very upset when he lost at mario kart on the Wii.

How do we help him deal with the social exclusion he's feeling at school? He's only been at this school since half way through Yr4, 18 months or so. He's found it hard to integrate into the class, but has a small core group of friends with things in common now, and had a good time on school residential last week with them. We really don't want to introduce games, but are wondering whether we're putting him at a disadvantage by not having them at home. Are we being unreasonable by not letting him game? Help!

He’s clearly being disadvantaged and both of the games you mention are pretty benign.

Allow it but regulate it.

To be honest I don’t see what harm letting him play even just once a week would do, just so he could still integrate with his friends. Just because kids game doesn’t mean they have to be glued to it every night after school/ hours on end. There’s lots of positives to gaming too with the appropriate adult supervision alongside it. I think it’s an issue when it’s unregulated but it sounds like as you say he’s got lots of other hobbies and activities alongside it.

Id allow some games but i wouldn't allow fortnite its just addictive and has a terrible impact on behaviour.

being picked on is obviously not ok and needs to be addressed - but realistically he will be left out if he isn’t able to join in with his friends on these things. and being a bit left out isn’t the same as being picked on as its a consequence of not being able to be part of something the others are doing.

ultimately it’s up to you if your “no gaming“ stance is more important than him being able to join in with his mates.

By Year 5 there is some degree of online socialising and it is hard on the ones who can’t join in. but that’s a decision you need to make. Personally i’d considering allowing some gaming with restrictions so you can monitor it and how he handles it.

Sport is your answer. Find a local clubs and let him find a sports team. This will be good for at school as well. He can say not gaming but in the football/rugby/judo leagues. Great skills and good fun and not stuck in front of a screen.

You are his parent and if you don't want him to play games, based on his previous history, then I think you should stick to that.

He wants to play so he is very likely laying it on a bit thick about how sad and excluded he is

I teach a similar age - about half the class play but certainly not all. He won't be socially disadvantaged if they have other things in common.

Sadly gaming is a part of their social life now. I'd let him join in, but limit his time and remove it if necessary

OP, the way people are replying is very much if you cant beat them join them, which never used to be a good message to teach anyone!

I think allow it but set boundaries. DS9 end of Year 4 has had Fortnite for about a month now. He doesn't ask to play it as much as I thought he would and when he does, he knows the limits. All chat is turned off as well.

Just to add, DS is in a football team as well as the school team and prefers to be outside kicking a ball! Especially in this weather.

Same age. We allow it but supervise time spend.

I think this is one of those things that he won’t thank you for now, but will later. Those games are frankly trash and bad for the developing brain.

Is it that easy though? How many parents do we see desperately posting on here because their 12 year old trashes their room if the games are taken away?

DS 8 is also asking if he can play Roblox and I said no. I just don't agree with it. Maybe will look at it in a few years time. One of his friends asked me and I said that's not something that X will be playing.

shrug i have a son with asd/adhd and he has never trashed his room.. I've always allowed free gaming, but maintained strict rules on how/when it goes off.. always worked for me.

You find what works for your kids and make it clear its non-negotiable.

Does he want to play that crap though? Like is he begging you to get a Switch or ipad or whatever?

My teen who is in a sports team never does gaming. No time because it’s trainings, matches, or watching sport matches (on tv at the moment) and events. They are in a group of like minded teens. It does involve me getting them to trainings and matches and keeping the kit in order (but they do that now). Encouragement and listening to the coaches advice. Gaming needs nothing from the parents other the equipment and the game subscriptions. It’s the easy option to have the kids stuck in front of a screen. Take the opportunity now to direct away from peer pressure and channel into discovering a sport or other activity. Music is also a good option.

Honestly, it is social exclusion and you are enabling it which I can only assume is because you can’t be bothered to parent properly

Gaming is part of kids’ culture and I think it’s lazy parenting to put a full ban on it rather than step up and have to work a bit at regulating the time he has on it.

so when is right for you? When he’s 13? 16? He will always be socially excluded and he will never be at the same developmental stage as others.

ours both play but there’s a balance and when they’re told to get off they did.

all the weird kids at our primary school weren’t allowed to play and they have never caught up socially. And the parents that did restrict it have issues with self-control and regulation now

It’s like anything in life. It’s a balance

You talk to the teacher about him being picked on. That is not ok.

You expand his social circle through clubs and encourage the friendships he already has with playdates /sleepovers if you can. Bonding over shared interests they already have.

If he really wants to, you can have a look at roblox and Minecraft but I'd say no to fortnite. Tbh, since he's lasted this long, there's no harm in waiting a bit longer , like secondary and reassess then.

I honestly don't see the issue.
Those saying games such as fortnight and Roblox are addictive and cause bad behaviour don't seem to limit their child's screen time or their children do not respect boundaries (excluding sen of course).

My children play both games and also play video games. They don't play before school and have reasonable bedtimes. They also do plenty of sports/music lessons and after school activities so their actual screen time is limited anyway just because of the above.

Let him play, you are disadvantaging him, especially if he only joined the school late.

I disagree with those saying games are bad for brain, crap. Ds's played, sports aswell, the fun is so much, we've never had any problems. Agree with Mary your stringent stance he won't thank you for later.

My son is in year 6, and he is also left out of the 'gaming chat' because he doesn't have anything other than a wii here.

It is hard when sometimes he does complain that his mates play this that and the other, but at the end of the day, we as parents know what's best and being stuck in front of a computer is bad for them.
We have honest conversations as to why we don't allow computer games. He has played them at uncles/friends' houses, and he just gets unbelievably stressed if he can't complete a level, etc. It's just not something he should be doing daily/regularly.

I encourage the things he does love, drawing, reading, etc.

My DS was the same aged 9 when all his friends were gaming. We wanted to hold off until teen years and we stood firm, though I had a lot of sympathy for him. He was slightly out of things but still had friends and now he’s 12 it’s a non issue. He spends all his spare time reading and playing sport and has like-minded friends.

OP as the parent you decide, as you understand the pros and cons. Regardless, I’d consider whether the behaviour is bullying and needs to be tackled by the school.

We did not allow our DC to watch TV (although they did watch things like Disney films with us). When my DD was 9 it became clear that she felt left out because all her friends were watching a few particular TV programmes and talking about them at school. She wasn't being bullied, she just felt left out. We concluded that these programmes were innocuous and that it wouldn't be the end of the world if she watched them with one of us so she join in with her social group. That worked fine - TV time was strictly limited and she continued with her other interests, including being a voracious reader - and I am glad we compromised.

One of my friends had a DD of a similar age at another school. They remained very strict about not watching TV - they didn't have one in the house - and as their DD got into her teens they were also very strict about her not wearing fashionable clothes or makeup. The girl was badly bullied on the grounds that she was different and ended up refusing to go to school and having to be home schooled. She went on to develop MH problems and, although she was very bright academically, she has never fulfilled her potential and has never been able to live away from home for more than a few weeks. She is currently unemployed aged 28 and living at home. Her parents are in despair and so sad for her.

Of course, all this may have nothing to do with the way she was brought up, but I have always felt that her parents were wrong to make it so difficult for her to fit in with her peer group. I am not suggesting parents should not make their own values clear to their DC, just that I think it is possible to reach a healthy compromise in the best interests of he child.

Obviously you know your DS best and will make your own decision.

If you start off with clear limits, it's easier than if you try to enforce them afterwards.

DS started gaming with clear limits. The Xbox was on a timer and would go off an hour before his bed time. There was no negotiation or telling him to come off and being ignored, it just went off. I had an alarm on my phone about 20 mins prior to this so I could alert him that he had to finish what he was doing and say his goodbyes. That then gave him an hour to wind down with some Lego, or have a bit of supper.

We would override the timer on Fridays and Saturdays IF he had been generally reasonable throughout the day.