10 year old picked on for not playing computer games

[Duckduckgoose78]

My DS in Yr5 came home from school today upset, saying he's being picked on by two boys in his class because he doesn't play computer games like Roblox or Fortnite. He's also feeling left out of the gaming chat in the classroom and in the playground because he can't join in with them.

It's a conscious decision on our part to not let him play games, we don't have a console (apart from the Wii) and he has a busy life with lots of activities after school and at the weekend so there's no time anyway! He would likely not be able to self regulate, and although he is much better now, he did used to get very upset when he lost at mario kart on the Wii.

How do we help him deal with the social exclusion he's feeling at school? He's only been at this school since half way through Yr4, 18 months or so. He's found it hard to integrate into the class, but has a small core group of friends with things in common now, and had a good time on school residential last week with them. We really don't want to introduce games, but are wondering whether we're putting him at a disadvantage by not having them at home. Are we being unreasonable by not letting him game? Help!

We didn't allow DS fornite for a long time and I actually massively regret it. It was really such a non issue in the end and he wouldn't have felt so left out.

It's in some ways similar to not allowing a kids who grew up in the 80s a bike or a child of the 90s a TV. It's an activity his peers are doing that he is excluded from.

What I don't understand is , if all the gaming kids (on here)are well rounded , well adjusted gamers with so many varied interests, then who are the kids picking on OP's son? Why is it social suicide not to game and the insistence that obviously they don't have anything else to talk about and bond over ? Why don't all the other varied interests matter as much or hold an equally important place? You can't have it both ways. None of that is well rounded or normal.

Because their favourite thing may be games. It's also possible that op's so kind exaggerating (not on purpose) because he's only a child and is quite upset about not being part of the conversations.

You do realise that 'gamers' have included a large percentage of the population of young people? Not just this generation either? You sound like you're from several decades ago and there's a moral panic about Tetris.

I'd imagine it's similar if you can't watch a certain tv channel/show or movie.

I sit there like 🥲 when some random show comes up and I have no clue as an adult

The snobbery is insane. I wonder if gaming is just really poorly understood.

There are so many great games. Some have an amazing story, others have very difficult puzzles, or encourage creativity. There's games that improve hand eye coordination. Some games are great for relaxing.

There are rubbish games as well. If parents knew more about gaming they could steer their kids to the better ones.

I controlled my DSs access quite strictly and had all sorts of parental controls etc on consoles. They are both late teens now and have a very good sense of self regulation and if I go to bed early and they are playing they'll both stop around 10pm and get themselves to bed, without prompting or nagging. They both do all their homework etc. Gaming was a lifeline during Covid to be honest. My elder one plays very complex games which include physics equations to calculate space trajectories.
If you want to allow your DS to have access to games I'd highly recommend investing in the time to set up parental controls on your WiFi, on the console for both time and age limits. You should absolutely play and check each game yourself. I absolutely drew the line at CoD and a couple of others, despite being told "all my friends play it". I am very reasonable but I have hard limits.
I still play a few games with my kids, it's fun and a good bonding experience. And I believe firmly that the best thing I can teach them is how to regulate usage because they will ultimately need to do that themselves at uni etc

The snobbery is insane. I wonder if gaming is just really poorly understood.

Lots of posters have this stereotypical idea of a "gamer" as a middle aged man with zero social skills, living in his mum's spare room and spending his every waking minute shouting into a headset and killing things in a military-related game. And because they have this sneery attitude about gaming being pointless or stupid or something only for people who have no social skills they are not interested in finding out.

There is a reason that BAFTA give awards to video games in the same way as they recognise achievement in movies and TV. Because some games are really good! And great value entertainment - some gaming posters may recognise my user name which comes from an Assassin's Creed game set in ancient Greece. It's a massive, complex game which takes at least 100 hours of play to complete the main story, then there are lots of other things to do and places to explore. If you buy a game brand new, it's around £50 - £60. Less than a quid an hour.

I never quite understand parents who intentionally ostracise their children. My ex-DPs parents wouldn’t allow video games, certain TV shows, certain foods out of principle and he was mercilessly bullied for it.

My son has had access to technology from a young age. Did he use to throw strops at first? Yes! At that point the device was swiftly removed and he would have to go without for a few days. He quickly learnt to use the device appropriately and now, age 9, we never have arguments or meltdowns over it. One of his favourite things is socialising and playing with his friends on Roblox.

Just let your child have access in a regulated manner.

That's like saying "If sport is meant to be healthy and help children become well rounded, how can it be that a boy who doesn't play football can find himself socially excluded?" But (in case you are not aware) that happens all the time. Do you then think sport should be avoided?

It's probably not the gaming itself that will be the issue especially if regulated. If his classmates are the type of kids that pick on him because he's not playing the games what type of kids are they in the chats on these things? DC1's class had a lot of issues because of this kind of thing which ended up causing problems in school. DC2's class don't seem to have these issues so it's dependent on the children and parents.

Your son seems to be mature for his age.
Perhaps an uplifting "adult" talk together, you know your child best.
Btw, I would have been the one picked on for this in my time, because for the love of anything
I cannot stand this IT shit, games and all.
🙂

@CuteOrangeElephant that’s why I wrote that I had been a librarian with teaching responsibilities and that DH is an academic and that we are are both capable of programming because I know MN tends to think gamers are a bit thick and some lower form of life. It really irritates me.

There will be other children who don't play these games. My year 5 son is allowed but I have to say fortnight is horrible - he had some bad dreams recently after a particularly obsessive gaming bout and he's stopped playing it completely. (His choice)

My older daughter plays Roblox but boys in my sons year aren't in to it.

I'd relax your approach to gaming to allow him to have a go but it doesn't mean he'll be addicted, it can be a battle getting them to put the tablet away though, but it's all part of them learning compromise, negotiation etc so not all bad.

i can have it with you now if you like.

Both my kids are gamers, both are now tailoring their education with the aim of entering the industry.. one is learning Coding, the other is doing art/music with the intent of going into the more graphics/sound based environment.

I have friends who're full time artists and do art for huge card games like Magic The Gathering, and also are behind some of the art assets for Call of Duty, Stray, and other huge franchises. i have friends in the gaming industry who work for companies behind some of the big releases. I've friends in the 3D printing business, toy making business that support the merch for these games.

Gaming open doors for people, it isn't a dead end hobby.

Aren't there controls in Roblox that can be set to stop chatting to other users? As long as you monitor his use I don't see a problem with him playing that. I can understand your concerns about Fortnite though.

They can get around them. My dd was groomed and was caught on a different sm site chatting to people she met on roblox.

She was also on discord at age 10/11 and was in chat rooms that had hardcore porn on them.

Please don't go down that route. These games aren't safe at all. If you don't believe me, go speak to the police and ask them what they think. They're dealing with the dark side of your kids on these websites, day in, day out. Unless you're prepared to sit there, over their shoulders each and every time they are online, your kids are not safe.

FTR, i also know someone who is a professional gamer and has won thousands of pounds winning competitions and tournaments.

I think it’s really sad if everyone has to do the same hobby. It should be possible to not do gaming and still have friends, same as it’s possible to not play football and still have friends. MN can be quite intolerant of people who aren’t into technology, but my experience irl is that families are really diverse. Some are early adopters of tech and do everything, some can’t afford anything, others live off grid and don’t have power for consoles.

If you don’t want him to play games that’s fine but you do have to deal with the consequences/fallout from that. It’s a big part of life now and a big way kids socialise. It’s just balance, too much isn’t good but some is fine and has been shown to have a positive impact.

There will be other children who don't play these games. My year 5 son is allowed but I have to say fortnight is horrible - he had some bad dreams recently after a particularly obsessive gaming bout and he's stopped playing it completely. (His choice)

I'm not against limited gaming, but the number of people on this thread whose Y5 children are playing Fortnite does shock me. It is so very clearly unsuitable for 9 and 10 year olds.

That's awful. I'll bear that in mind. My son is only 1 but I suppose by the time he gets old enough there will be some other game that everyone's playing that pose a danger.

I think not allowing a child to join in with a major social activity that almost all of their peers will be doing in a regular basis is worse for their development than a couple of
hours in laying Roblox a week...
i find it so bizzare when parents seem to just be scared of all screens regardless and want their children to live in the past.

It’s good that your kids have found their path and it’s in the gaming industry. I think that’s not the goal of all gamers though. I imagine that you have sat behind them as youngsters on the online platforms? Obviously this is a good career choice to program and the gaming industry is huge. I know this.
The op here was writing that her kid was being bullied at age 10yrs for not playing online games. This is the part that stood out to me in that it’s a peer pressure with menace to game. I’ve been lucky to avoid what I’ll describe below because my kids do outside activities. One is into sport with a training commitment and also a mind focus.
So what rings the alarm bells for me in the OP’s post? Menace and bullying to be into online gaming. I’ve seen this type of kid and that’s all they do unsupervised. It gives their parents a break from interacting. It’s encouraged to be online because the parents don’t offer other options and these kids have the latest tech and their own screen in their bedroom. I know this from my own experience of talking to parents,the school, my kids going round to friends houses. I’ve heard from my kids over the years about their classmates falling asleep in lessons because they’ve gamed all night and as a group. Kids being unable to cope without being online. Violence in games causing a warped view in life. Kids needing psychological support to manage this gaming addiction. This included one kid needing a detox from game violence. Of course going round to friends house is often about gaming. That’s a factor the op will need to think about. I’m not talking about Minecraft or Mario there are some disturbing games out there that kids under 16/18yrs get access to. One parent at school thought it a laugh that they never saw their son and he was into a game of violence at primary school age. He had a screen etc in his bedroom. It’s sad really. The posts here about the darker side are the reality for many kids.
yes - gaming is what kids do but there has to be a parent by the side when their young kid is online. Put the screen in the main room of the house. Only have gaming when a parent is home and in this main room. Check behaviour to see on screen addiction or stress. My kids (teens and young adult) have always had gaming through the one tv screen we have. They have an old version PS system. That limits it for sure because others want to watch tv so it’s all organised by them. No one uses a tablet etc for gaming. I’ve been lucky because they don’t like sitting around for long and are happy out with our dog and doing sports. I have heard of the misery gaming causes. It can be fun but needs parenting control. For me that was easy - one tv screen. The op ‘s kid being bullied to game leads me to think about future bullying by these kids on line.Again my kids have avoided this by not being caught up in the online world. It is disturbing and a problem in schools. Recently vandalism took place in my kids school and it was filmed for online platforms. This was in school time. Other kids also filmed it on their phones. My kid in this class stepped away from the situation. I get that there was violence before phones in school - punch ups for example but this is a different type of situation. I can’t pinpoint exactly in words my thoughts on this. I know this is not gaming but these I do know that these kids are stuck behind screens gaming, a lot of girls are into appearance and making videos on this, there’s an online world that can be vicious. I’ve talked with my kids over the years and we have managed to avoid the problems other parents have gone through. I have been lucky.
There’s good advice here in the thread for the op. Last words from me and that is to get it right from the start. Discuss with the school, stay aware for friends who have a screen in their bedroom (unsupervised access), stay aware. If you sense a problem act immediately.

DC can get around any parental controls on any device linked to the internet, even your TV. Video games are no more or less safe. The internet is dangerous, but it is a necessary part of life these days.

The safety comes from having stranger danger conversations regarding online safety with your child so that they can alert you to anything odd or out of place.

I think around 10 is a great age to start allowing DC internet access with a parental safety net. That gives you 8 years to get them ready to handle it as an adult.

Excellent post @ButterCrackers on how to start DC safely gaming and not getting addicted.