10 year old picked on for not playing computer games

[Duckduckgoose78]

My DS in Yr5 came home from school today upset, saying he's being picked on by two boys in his class because he doesn't play computer games like Roblox or Fortnite. He's also feeling left out of the gaming chat in the classroom and in the playground because he can't join in with them.

It's a conscious decision on our part to not let him play games, we don't have a console (apart from the Wii) and he has a busy life with lots of activities after school and at the weekend so there's no time anyway! He would likely not be able to self regulate, and although he is much better now, he did used to get very upset when he lost at mario kart on the Wii.

How do we help him deal with the social exclusion he's feeling at school? He's only been at this school since half way through Yr4, 18 months or so. He's found it hard to integrate into the class, but has a small core group of friends with things in common now, and had a good time on school residential last week with them. We really don't want to introduce games, but are wondering whether we're putting him at a disadvantage by not having them at home. Are we being unreasonable by not letting him game? Help!

This. Why subject your child to bullying when something so small can rectify it.

I think screen time, be it TV or gaming has been demonised. Everything in moderation is my motto and it's horrible to hear someone is being picked on because of it. Can you compromise?

My yr 4 ds doesn't do a lot of gaming due to other stuff and activities but he is allowed the Wii for Lego games and Mario kart and plays an hour of Minecraft a week with his dad supervising him. Fall guys is also popular. No to Roblox or Fortnite.

At least then he can chat about it to his mates at school.

For a compromise of sorts - he could learn programming with Minecraft on a Raspberry pi...

Geeky suggestions aside, I'd fully support what others have said regarding activities and developing additional friendship groups beyond the school. Sports, music, drama, craft, volunteering, whatever. Let him see that there are other people in the world, including other people his own age, who do things that his schoolfriends don't.

Could you also look to strengthen his 'in real life' social scene with his schoolfriends? Since he's in Yr 5, can he and his friends hang out together after school (e.g. in a park)? If they're not already doing this, you could maybe ask his friends' parents if they would be happy for their kids to stay out for a bit before coming home. It's likely to be easier to maintain not gaming / limited screen time / doing different from others, etc. if the child has a rich, in real life, social life than if not gaming would mean they are 'more alone' than they would be if they were gaming.

Gaming has very many mental and social benefits. I think YABU.

I am part of a gaming group at work. All professionals so you wouldn't think it from the outside.

I would much rather educate my child about online safety then ban gaming altogether.

There’s no denying that most computer literate children can get around parental controls. The point is teaching them about internet safety. Not to talk to or believe strangers, not to open links that have been sent to them etc.

At my DC’s school they had a company come in and talk to them about the Breck Bednar case. A few parents thought that DC shouldn’t know such stories (they are in Year 4), but I was grateful as ultimately it is real life and it has taught my child to be wary of strangers online, it could be anyone behind that screen. He is well educated on online safety and I think that is really important.

@BeefBrisket I was a gamer in the olden days. Counter strike (all night lan parties-those were the days),need for speed, heroes, WoW , age of empires and plenty more. Still game occasionally with DD on various platforms and various types of games.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Does he want to play, or is he just upset because the boys are teasing him? If he genuinely wants to play, or even if he wants to play to fit in, I think you need to let him. Otherwise he will grow up blaming and resenting you for him not fitting in at school (regardless of whether he's better off not playing video games or not).

Exactly this, the boy might not even be that bothered!

Let him play with time restrictions. We had held out for quite a while on the PlayStation front (til age 11.5) , but the DCs used the family computer to play Minecraft etc.
I think we had it from age 8.
DS loved gaming til after covid and he’s barely games since - he’s 20 now.
Do you really want him to be the odd one out for no good reason? I felt like that my whole childhood and it has def caused me issues as an adult.

Minecraft is ok just make sure he doesn't become obsessed and spend too long doing it. Being left out of conversations because you don't know what they're talking about sucks even as an adult.

I'd say watch out for stuff like Roblox because they can talk to strangers as a result it's full of pedos only there to talk to younger players. So if youre going to let him play that you'll need to make sure he's aware of the dangers. Like a virtual stranger danger talk

Its some of the most tedious crap ever made. Obsidian, the nether portal and a million other terms. Bring back sonic the hedgehog and his gold rings.

I'm a gamer myself, and my brother is a big time computer architect, so yes, both my kids have had supervision. My rules have been lax, but also strict in places.

I never limited game time, i just made sure they came off without issue when asked.. they've never been allowed tech in their bedrooms after bedtime, i used to keep their tablets, hand helds and controllers in my bedroom and give them back each morning. (They have an open plan mezz level gaming area, so even when playing i can hear them)
I made a point of vetting every game, so talking to friends who had been involved in the development, playing them myself, or catching someone streaming them on Twitch before okaying/not okaying them.
We always read the Common Sense media reviews too.
I had strict rules over chats/dms.
Discord is banned until 16.
They do not have smart phones, only tablets, with controls on them and i have access whenever i want to check. They're not allowed whatsapp, snap chat or tiktok on any device i bought them.
Breaking my rules results in graded removal of privileges

Gaming is fine, as you say, if a parent takes proper time to supervise, and set rules.

Good points. You’ve got a safe structure in place. It’s so important. Your kids are fortunate.

Some really great suggestions, thank you. I think a lot of it is wanting to fit in, but I asked him if he was able to play a game at home, what would it be? He said Minecraft, and justified it by saying that he likes building Lego and creating things, and they also have Minecraft Education at school and he enjoys that. It was a really considered response and I was impressed with his approach to the discussion, showing me that it's not just a knee jerk and he is interested. I will allow him to play and we will deal with the younger one!

It isn't all or nothing.

Both my children play Roblox (age 9 and 7). We vet every friend request and keep an eye on chat. We also play, as do their friends parents so there is often a parent popping up in their games. They also do sport (my eldest does a lot) and we do lots of other things. We tend not to need to regulate it, my youngest may play for a bit after school but as a whole will do other things. I think that's mainly because we're fairly relaxed about screen time so it's not seen as a huge treat (we'd parent differently of course if they were on for hours).

The younger one can join in with minecraft too, especially exploring different worlds in creative mode. It's one of the tamer (and fairly harmless) ways to allow gaming.

@TheYearOfSmallThings I think any children that have a sole interest and as a result don't socialise outside of that interest and exclude others are being harmed. Regardless if it's gaming or football or pretending to be a fairy. That's the thing that CAN stunt their development.

Also, how far are you willing to go to make sure your kid isn't ostracised? We've had y5/y6 classes for whom roblox and Minecraft were babyish and they laughed at the kids still playing them.There was a big group playing things like GTA , Call of Duty and other 16/18 games and watching completely inappropriate TV shows and movies. Would that be ok then? Should that be allowed and encouraged? All for the sake of social inclusion?

Or maybe , just maybe we shouldn't be making blank statements of "it's fine, you horrible, lazy ,controlling parent. Stop ruining your kid's life!".?

Fortnite has an age limit of 12 btw.

What an absolutely awful and offensive post. “The weird kids”? How can you even think about children in this way?

As for “lazy parenting,” you are really reaching. It’s far lazier to take the path of allowing certain activities simply because everyone else does them. There’s absolutely nothing inherently wrong with gaming, but it’s clear that excessive use is damaging to children and teens (and adults). The growing body of research about the dangers of a screen-focused childhood should give us all pause.

I genuinely wish that gaming (and social media, but that’s for another thread) didn’t occupy such a huge space in social interaction for teens and pre-teens. As one way to interact, fine. But it has taken on such an important role in the social lives of younger and younger children. It’s not good for them to be overly involved in such things. For a boy like the OP’s son, who doesn’t participate in gaming, it can lead to exclusion and even bullying.

Or maybe , just maybe we shouldn't be making blank statements of "it's fine, you horrible, lazy ,controlling parent. Stop ruining your kid's life!".?

Wtf are you on about? You have written a load of random stuff I never said and then addressed it to me like it in any way reflects my views!

OP, I take it that you’re not much of a gamer yourself so, unless you’re completely adverse to it, I’d also take the opportunity to look into some games you can play as a family.

The Overcooked series of games would be my first suggestion. They’re a very silly series of cooking games where you work as a team to feed hungry customers. A lot of fun and good for communication, team work and strategic planning; would be suitable to play with your youngest, too.

Hello - totally agree with this. I'm not a natural gamer myself, and the Overcooked games have been a really fun way to play with the kids.

Also, Untitled Goose Game is brilliant...problem solving, reading, two player so you can play as a family.

I don't see threads like that at all!

The main thing is the TIME spent gaming.It is a very high adrenaline, high stress state of mind to be in.It is fine, good even, for short periods. Prolonged periods in this mental state is not good for most people , and may lead to mental health problems.

Again, this is not always true. Some games are like that yes, the combat ones or the ones where around every corner there might be a zombie or whatever. But many are far more chilled out, short bursts of actions and then much longer periods of exploring. People in general play games to relax, not to feel stressed.

We approached this issue through skills. DD1 joined the library coding club, we bought her a microbit and then add-ons to it. This year we bought a PC - large and not portable. She was given Minecraft as her 11th birthday gift.

Our hard lines are - no social media, no camera enabled devices upstairs, no screens before 4pm and seasonal 'reasonableness'. It's reasonable to spend time like this in Autumn when it is dark and cold. It is not reasonable in Summer.

My issue with screens is displacement. What activity do they displace? I want my children to be bored because that is where creativity lies.