to want my friend to talk about something other than her queer identity

[threadingtheneedle]

A close friend has recently moved into my city so we've been seeing each other a lot more frequently. Before this, we'd see each other 2-3 times a year for a catch up as we lived several hours away from each other.

I've increasingly noticed that in every single conversation we have, no matter what topic, she brings up her queer identity and being a gay woman. I found this really interesting at first, but now it is taking over every conversation.

I know this is something that is important to her, but it truly has become her entire personality, and if I'm being totally honest, it's becoming incredibly boring having the same conversation over and over again. I think there may be an element of narcissism here too, she's always been very focused on herself and not the most empathetic person.

I have several close friends, colleagues and a sibling who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, it's incredibly normal to me to be surrounded by members of the community and have these kinds of discussions, but these people also manage to have other aspects to their personality!

Can I say anything without sounding homophobic or mean? How can I try and coax her to talk about other aspects of her life without inevitably ending up in the same conversation over and over again?

I have no advice, but I used to live with a guy like that. It was painful. It was almost like he'd introduce himself as 'Hi, I 'm gay' rather than his name. It was, as you say, his entire personality. I was glad when we parted ways tbh.

Do they want you to find them a date? If not why keep going on about it?

I sympathise OP - not tye same but ket a friend for lunch last week who split up with her dh last year - every single topic of conversation we had got brought back to her.
She never once asks how l am - my mum and sister bith having treatment for cancer but she didn"t ask how they are just bleated on about herself. It's too much.
I would meet her less often l think if that is possible?

I'd find this very boring. I find it bad enough with things like Sewing Bee when a contestant is saying 'As a member of the queer community this is what I'm sewing' about a garment.

I'm eye rolling. I couldn't care less whether someone is gay, straight, bi or asexual. What on earth does it matter? I can't imagine ever announcing 'As a woman who likes cock I'm making a pink trouser suit, Esme'.

Apologies if this hasn't been said on Sewing Bee - I just find that so many shows nowadays have people announcing 'they are a member of the LBTQ+ community and I couldn't be less interested. Be who you like, but it's not relevant to every single bloody conversation.

I feel your pain OP, it’s boring for anyone to only have one topic of conversation no matter what it is, can you just change the subject every time? Nod, say yes you know and ask her about something else?

Just cut her out of your life. You don't need anyone who has only one topic of conversation.

That does sound v dull

God how irritating, I’m bisexual but the last thing I feel I am is either the (old-fashioned slur) “queer”, or part of any “community”. But these days everyone is encouraged to “identify” as “queer” whether or not they’re actually gay or lesbian or bi (I know plenty of straight people who now “identify” as “queer” for example).

I find it all so massively tedious and self-absorbed, but then I’m from that generation of people who just wanted loving someone of the same sex to be as possible, normal and as unremarkable as for everyone else, not somehow to render you part of a (cringey) special identity/community/marginalised group.

There’s a reason why many gay, lesbian and bisexual people don’t like the word “queer” (which of course meant sideways, odd, strange or not normal). Why can’t people with same-sex partners just be boringly like everybody else so that sexuality isn’t a big deal? That’s my generation’s take on it and I’m only in my forties!

😄 I'm watching the Sewing Bee at the moment.

They obviously are very proud of it and good for them but my advice is to change the subject and talk about other things too. Perhaps ask for their advice on something, what are they reading, seen any good films, any new restaurants to try out ect.

Maybe she's unaware, because you've only started seeing one another more often recently, that having close friends and family members who are gay is so ordinary to you. I mean, is she only being so insistent because at some level she thinks she's throwing down a challenge to you? Can you use a (possibly imaginary other friend to say something like 'Thank God Anthony has calmed down a bit. I know when you're newly out, every conversation includes 'As a man who loves cock...', whether it's about mortgages or opera, but it's a bit less easy to forgive when he's fifty!'

It's so tedious when people think having an 'identity' replaces having a personality.

👏👏👏👏

This! A thousand times this!

And I'm old enough to find "queer" a really offensive term, used in hatred and violence.

When you only saw her a few times a year did she always bring the conversation back to herself? Some people are only interested in talking about themselves, I find it dull and choose to see them less often.

You know what I can't actually think I have ever told anyone I like shagging men.
Your friend is a knob. Or would non - knob be more appropriate?.
Tedious person with no personality =your mate.

I think queer was reclaimed from the original horrible meaning though. So it's not necessarily awful for people to use it. I'm not gay though, so that's just my interpretation.

Agree with this, although a guardian journalist recently said it was.mostly being used by straight white people who once read Oscar Wilde.

Which made me chuckle.

Maybe you just need to be tougher at steering the conversation. If she mentions it, maybe say ‘… that’s very interesting, and now back to the election, Eastenders, penguins’ or whatever.

Ive less of a problem with the people it was used against reclaiming it even though it makes me recoil.

I do have a problem with straight people with alternative relationship or presentation styles jumping on it like a bandwagon.

@asterel and @HellonHeels I'm also old enough to be cringing at 'Queer'.

It was a really unpleasant slur when we were young. I assume it's the younger generation (mainly) reclaiming the word in the same way black rappers use the N word.

But I still find both offensive. I'd be unhappy describing someone as 'queer'. As @asterel says, I always just wanted people to be free to love whoever they wished - same/different race or same/different sex without it being in any way remarkable or unacceptable.

It’s dull when someone only talks about one thing- I have a friend that bangs on about her ex who she spilt up with 8 years ago!
As a result I only see her when there’s an activity to keep us occupied…

What's a presentation style?

I'd find this very boring. I find it bad enough with things like Sewing Bee when a contestant is saying 'As a member of the queer community this is what I'm sewing' about a garment.

I really wonder how much of the performative identity acting on Sewing Bee is at the behest of the producers. The BBC seem to have endless guidelines for inclusion. How are viewers supposed to know that boxes have been ticked if the label bearers don't make an ostentatious display of it?

I agree OP, it's tedious. As a previous poster said, it's like a substitute for a personality. Nobody actually cares.

I would distance myself from her if you can.