to want my friend to talk about something other than her queer identity

[threadingtheneedle]

A close friend has recently moved into my city so we've been seeing each other a lot more frequently. Before this, we'd see each other 2-3 times a year for a catch up as we lived several hours away from each other.

I've increasingly noticed that in every single conversation we have, no matter what topic, she brings up her queer identity and being a gay woman. I found this really interesting at first, but now it is taking over every conversation.

I know this is something that is important to her, but it truly has become her entire personality, and if I'm being totally honest, it's becoming incredibly boring having the same conversation over and over again. I think there may be an element of narcissism here too, she's always been very focused on herself and not the most empathetic person.

I have several close friends, colleagues and a sibling who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, it's incredibly normal to me to be surrounded by members of the community and have these kinds of discussions, but these people also manage to have other aspects to their personality!

Can I say anything without sounding homophobic or mean? How can I try and coax her to talk about other aspects of her life without inevitably ending up in the same conversation over and over again?

I'd pay good money to watch you do that! And you know Esmee wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Thank you for that - it really made me laugh.

And I 100% agree with you too

I once made the mistake of asking my gran what she remembered about my parents' wedding day. I was young and would have loved to have a little conversation about the day. My gran's response was "well to this day I wish I'd followed my gut and never let your dad marry my daughter!" They'd be married for well over 30 years by that point, had 3 kids and a grandchild, a nice home, and successful business etc.

These grudges run deep!

Sounds like my grandma! We only really knew she had lost the plot when she started being nice to him (and he’d bought her a flat by that point then was paying £££££ for her care home).

She was genuinely sorry when he died (but then she thought a boyfriend of mine was my dad so who knows).

Don't they just...an elderly lady I used to clean for would frequently watch me wiping down her showroom-condition cooker, and then would run her fingers over the front, saying "I should never have bought this, it's never been any good".

It was at least thirty-five years old at that point.

Genuine question - what does someone mean by being straight and queer?

Reminded me of this:

Why don’t you google it? You’ll probably get a much better clearer definition by doing so that is unbiased and less emotive.

They want to be part of the cool rainbow gang and the easiest form of membership is to identify as queer. It does not actually require you to do anything of substance. You don't have to do the hard yards of growing up questioning your sexual orientation, coming out as gay or living through discrimination. You can dye your hair blue if you are really wild but after the novelty wares off after a few years you will end up like most other people in a heterosexual marriage and working at the local bank.

The interesting bit was the afore mentioned LGB members commenting at the time that what they liked about the club was that absolutely nobody gave a shit that they were gay or lesbian or whatever. It was not their main identity and they preferred to be known for being good at the sport concerned. They all stopped going to Pride years ago, initially because it had become a corporate jamboree and latterly because the TQ+ alphabet mafia had made the whole thing a cringefest.

Are you saying if you identify as bisexual but end up married to someone of the opposite sex then you aren’t really bisexual but just playing at it? Or that you can’t be gay unless you have suffered somehow? Or face some untold hardship? And how much is enough discrimination/hardship/suffering for you to decide that’s okay they have earned their gay badge now?!🙄

I think you have somewhat missed the point. Many criticise the 'queer' identifier as it is often adopted by the 'spicy straights' who are not gay, bi or lesbian but just want to jump on the rainbow bandwagon. It requires literally zero effort to become queer (or questioning) and there is a strong suspicion it just an identifier of convenience.

Is she ‘the only gay in the villuge?

I'm going to have to apply for Sewing Bee, aren't I? Just to see if Esme bats an eyelid.

I don’t understand why it needs to involve effort to identify as gay. I know plenty of young people and older people that like to use the term queer, to reclaim the word but also it serves as more of an umbrella term because ( for example) pre-existing terms don’t work for them or cover their sexual orientation. All of which I think is fine, if you don’t like it, fair enough, but don’t judge everyone who uses it as not a proper paid up flag flying member of the tribe!

It means being a straight person who maybe has the odd eccentricity, such as an unusual haircut, or owning several pairs of Dr Martens, or liking Junji Ito manga, or once having kissed a same sexed housemate at Uni.

Basically, pretty much everyone.

Sometimes you have to let them go as a friend.

They can't talk about anything else. Like a trans or a vegan. Ds1 had one in his A'level psychology class, every single discussion the class had, she would bring it back round to veganism. In the end a group of 6 boys told her this and told her to get lost.

Tell her: you do realise that every single time you bring it back round to ..., and it's becoming tedious.

I know a few "queer" women. They are all married to men, but they have blue hair and identify as non-binary. So most definitely not at all heterosexual at all, oh no. Once they may have had a crush on a female celebrity, so that also makes them totes bisexual and the most oppressed ever. It also makes them total bores as that's all they talk about. Probably self identify as autistic too, as they're sooooo quirky and nerdy. (I'm autistic, but I've been properly diagnosed, and rarely mention it, and it's more than being a bit quirky or having some stupid so-called superpower)

Whereas my actual gay and lesbian friends just talk about normal shit and their relationships etc in normal everyday conversations without waving any oppression flags every time they speak.

I know how you feel. My friend talks incessantly about her grandchildren. I can take 5 minutes but I’m so bored with hearing about them. I do steer her away but we always end up back there. She hasn’t got any interests since she stopped work so has nothing to talk about. She’s an old friend though and I really care about her so am loathe to drop her.

Are you sure that she doesn’t fancy you , OP, and this is her way of sounding you out?