to want my friend to talk about something other than her queer identity

[threadingtheneedle]

A close friend has recently moved into my city so we've been seeing each other a lot more frequently. Before this, we'd see each other 2-3 times a year for a catch up as we lived several hours away from each other.

I've increasingly noticed that in every single conversation we have, no matter what topic, she brings up her queer identity and being a gay woman. I found this really interesting at first, but now it is taking over every conversation.

I know this is something that is important to her, but it truly has become her entire personality, and if I'm being totally honest, it's becoming incredibly boring having the same conversation over and over again. I think there may be an element of narcissism here too, she's always been very focused on herself and not the most empathetic person.

I have several close friends, colleagues and a sibling who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, it's incredibly normal to me to be surrounded by members of the community and have these kinds of discussions, but these people also manage to have other aspects to their personality!

Can I say anything without sounding homophobic or mean? How can I try and coax her to talk about other aspects of her life without inevitably ending up in the same conversation over and over again?

I’d run a mile from anyone who described themselves as queer.

And I’m saying that as a lesbian.

Cheek of you 😂

"As a gay woman, I like my tea shaken, not stirred."

I'd be tempted to write all her sayings in a notebook. Make a game of it.

My sister had rather messy divorce 37 years ago, involving private detectives, money being hidden, him having an affair etc. Every single time we have a conversation she will pick on some detail of this divorce and go on and on and on and on about it. She hasn't seen the man for 37 years

It has never occurred to me to chat about the fact I am straight. There are very many more fascinating things to talk about.

Mention you are gay/lesbian/bi or whatever if you absolutely must, then move on to something interesting.

If and it's a big If,
I had a friend like this I'd not hesitate to say

"ok you're gay no big deal in 2024" can we discuss other things rather than your sexuality.

If she gets upset..tough.

I couldn't help myself. Next time it comes up just react with extreme surprise and say "are you gay/queer? You've never mentioned it...". And then collapse in laughter. She will either join you or be mortally offended and flounce. Either way problem solved. 🤣

I had a friend many years ago that was the same but not gay she was pregnant but omg same old crap same talk same me me me baby baby baby.
Over and over I'm gonna be a mum.
Never said hi to anyone or excuse me it was im pregnant mum to be passing.
I told her on our last visit FFS your not having jesus.
Can we talk about something else other than you.
don't know what pushes me to just spit it out.
Conversation changed for about 3 minutes.
I up and left.
So I've heard over the years she now as 4 kids and is worse with how hard her life is and needs help etc etc.

It's like the vegan joke...how do you know if someone is vegan....don't worry they will tell you....(disclaimer I know all vegans are not like this 😂).

Tbh as I have grown older I'm now ridiculously non-invested in people like your "friend".

I don't care what their "passion" is.

Friendship is a two way street and anyone who expects me to act as nothing more than an audience for their performative personality can fuck off.

So I've just become super intolerant and any whiff of this shenanigans and I just let the relationship die a death by never being available to meet up.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Is she a real lesbian or a spicy straight?

I get this all the time with vegans, which is why I've gradually manoeuvred every single one of them out of my life.

Good luck OP.

I’m not straight but my daughter hasn’t decided if she’s gay or bi and she has told me that she hates the constant pressure to identify. She’s not seeing anyone and isn’t interested in doing so atm, so until she is, it doesn’t affect anyone else’s life. She says that straight people don’t whang on about their straightness so why should she have to listen to people whang on about their sexuality? I’m really grateful she feels safe talking to me about it, and can hear how frustrated she is, but again, she is not alone with this - quite a few of her friends feel the same way. None of them felt the need to come out (thank god), they just are. Glad that some things have changed for the better since I was a kid. Hopefully one day nobody will give a rats about anyone’s sexuality except for the people they are actually involved with - or wish to be involved with, and talk about food or shoes or the weather or politics instead. Maybe not politics.

She’s not really a friend if every conversation is about her. Her sexuality isn’t the issue, her lack of personality is.

"Some people are only interested in talking about themselves"

This. She's a very self involved - and rather obnoxious sounding - individual. Do you really want to stay friends with her?

Oh it’s happening on Sewing Bee and it is beyond tedious.

As has been shown here, anything becoming someone’s entire personality becomes tiresome very quickly when you interact often. It’s the same for vegan people that need to insert their veganism into everything. Or anything else that becomes all consuming.

I have no time for this sort of shit any more.

I absolutely would say:

'Mate, I get it, but can we have a single conversation that doesn't revolve entirely around your love of fanny?'

If she's genuinely a nice person and going through a bit of a reinvention of herself and hasn't realised she's being irritating, she'll belt up.

If she is in fact a totally self-centered arse, she will stomp off and you'll never have to talk to her again.

Problem solved either way.

I'm eye rolling. I couldn't care less whether someone is gay, straight, bi or asexual. What on earth does it matter? I can't imagine ever announcing 'As a woman who likes cock I'm making a pink trouser suit^^

Yea, so boring. Have gay friends and straight friends. Love them all but obsessives bore the hell out of me no I don't want to hear about your multiple medical problems

A friend of mine had this in her family, a relative who is openly gay, but seemed to feel lacking because the family's response to this information was "thanks for letting us know." Damn!! No homophobia. No struggle.

So he behaved like a complete arse. Picked arguments over stupid things.

His boyfriend, on the other hand was the life and soul of the party, everyone wanted to be with him, because wow!! There was more to him than what he did with his genitals.

Things have calmed down now, but he was pretty tedious for a long time.

I feel the sane way about evangelical christians, trad wives, and wine moms!

HATTY65 🤣😂

this does sound like its dominating the chat and becoming tedious for you, so definitely worth having a word about it (it doesnt have to be a confrontation)

is there any chance that she might be worrying about the current political climate? If she follows any american LGBT+ blogs etc (as i do) then she might be getting lots of anti-lgbt content and worrying/ruminating on this more than usual?

In which way is she continuously referring to her sexuality?

I ask because I have noticed a lot of straight people would think gay people talking about their dating life is them going on about being gay, when I can guarantee you that so much of the conversations I have with straight people is often linked to them being straight (their relationship status, their relationship struggles, “Oh, I have met a new man”, “Oh it would be so much easier to be gay, men are so horrible…” , “Oh check that man out, over there” etc… most of today’s shows and series have 100 (unnecessary) straight sex scenes (most lesbian scenes if they ever exist are massively tame in comparison) and the whole plot often revolve around being attractive to people of the opposite sex even in action movies that could completely do without the romance.

So is she genuinely continuously referring to being gay for no relevant reason or is she just talking about her life and struggles as a gay woman like straight women do and it just feel like she keeps talking about being gay, because she is gay and therefore her life is obviously a lot gayer than most other people you know?