to want my friend to talk about something other than her queer identity

[threadingtheneedle]

A close friend has recently moved into my city so we've been seeing each other a lot more frequently. Before this, we'd see each other 2-3 times a year for a catch up as we lived several hours away from each other.

I've increasingly noticed that in every single conversation we have, no matter what topic, she brings up her queer identity and being a gay woman. I found this really interesting at first, but now it is taking over every conversation.

I know this is something that is important to her, but it truly has become her entire personality, and if I'm being totally honest, it's becoming incredibly boring having the same conversation over and over again. I think there may be an element of narcissism here too, she's always been very focused on herself and not the most empathetic person.

I have several close friends, colleagues and a sibling who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, it's incredibly normal to me to be surrounded by members of the community and have these kinds of discussions, but these people also manage to have other aspects to their personality!

Can I say anything without sounding homophobic or mean? How can I try and coax her to talk about other aspects of her life without inevitably ending up in the same conversation over and over again?

As a straight white female (check as many privilege boxes as you want) I can think of zero times outside of a medical setting where knowing MY sexuality has been a requisite piece of information for other people. Not one time where knowing my preferences in the bedroom has effected other people's lives, or influenced any aspect of my career, friendships, finances, life etc. I don't go round telling folk I'm straight, because until i feel the need to start a new sexual relationship it's nobody else's business.

So it really grinds my gears when strangers come in my face and go to sometimes great lengths to explain/over share about their preferences/sexuality/identity.

There is so,so much more to a person's identity than that, and frankly if that's what you're leading with, I don't need/want to hear any more.

(Long term 'out' Ex brother in law spent a whole evening being an utter dick about banging on about his preferences over dinner - that had been booked to celebrate my MA after years of slog - not spoken to him in 15 years and glad his selfish attitude is outside my consideration.)

It's because she's in a cult. Seriously, I 100% believe that there is a cult of gender ideology and they revolve their entire lives around their "identities". Imagine someone in a religious cult, all they can talk about is God, well these people worship LGBT(multiple other letters)+.

I always find the whole Pride think weird. Fine to be gay, bisexual or whatever you want but the constant marching, flag waving and going on about it is tedious. It’s like it’s the only thing about people that is important, not if the are decent people, work hard, care for others etc

Ummm.. sexuality is not the same as gender identity. Many LGB people are not keen on the T being added in to "their" community as transgenderism is a wholly different issue.

On the wider point, I agree it is a tendency for anyone, especially if a situation is new to them, whether it's veganism, pilates, running or whatever. A friend who was horribly bullied at school 30 years ago made a huge deal about out and proud when he finally did in his late twenties but it's so much less of an issue now. I teach teens and whilst there is still casual and silly homophobia in the younger years, by about 15 they're all very nonchalant about it and openly in gay relationships just as the straight kids are. It just shouldn't need to be a huge deal now for an adult who is comfortable with themselves.

I get it, it’s boring 🥱 I’ve got no interest in who other people shag, just as I’m sure your queer friend thinks about you. She sounds like an attention seeker.

I would gently call her out on it . “I know you are gay darling, it’s great, it’s fine, it’s wonderful” then laugh and talk about something else. She may be looking for your acknowledgment and open acceptance.
it’s really tedious listening to this on repeat. Otherwise a wide berth is in order !

Queer is an umbrella term for anyone not in heterosexual relationship and is perfectly acceptable to use. Whether folk like it or not is a different matter. I would just start talking to your friend as if being straight is the most interesting thing ever and mention it every possible moment. See how that works. 😂

Reclaiming? I'd love to see a white guy 'reclaiming' the n word and see how that plays out...

Fed up hearing 'as part of the Q community...' but straight folks desperate to be 'interesting'. It's 'reclaiming' nothing...

What does gender identity has to do with being gay? I am a lesbian and I absolutely don’t worship anyone (gay, straight, bi, trans) I just happen to be a woman who loves other women.

It’s just a random fact about me, not a cult. The same way straight women don’t worship men even though sometimes they go to such great length to appeal to them that it MIGHT seem like it.

The fact that you think being gay means you are part of some weird cult, make you sound extremely uneducated, at best biased (at worst frankly homophobic) especially if you mix sexuality with gender identity. Two things that have completely nothing to do with each other (as in plenty of trans people are straight and plenty of straight people support trans right and gender ideologies so being gay doesn’t automatically make you a supporter or worshipper of anything).

Also the fact that people say “I have never in my entire life had to mention my sexuality to anyone” has always been interesting to me because it’s often completely false. Obviously without entering into bedrooms dynamics and specifics with other people. Most people do share that they have a partner/a boyfriend/ are married/ have a date planned with someone or a bit of a crush.

If your friends and family know you are married to Paul then they know you at least (likely) like to have sex with men or at the very least, date them. They might not know what you do with Paul in the bedroom but they probably have an idea.

I think straight people really don’t realize how much they actually do talk and share about their “sexuality” (or is it just their life?) And that’s why they feel so much like gay people rub it in their face when they do the exact same.

I never tell straight people about my sexuality because I am either sexualized by them (men usually) or get some weird comments about it “oh but you don’t look gay” “ I would have never guessed” “ soo… how does it work?” But if someone was to ask me about my dating life, I would kind of have to give away that I am gay. Similarly it wouldn’t be uncommon to be telling a story like “my wife and I or my girlfriend and I tried out this new restaurant the other day and it was delicious, you really must try it.” And just by saying this people would know I date another woman or am married to one and someone would just think I have mentioned it because I can’t help but talk about my sexuality when really pretty much everyone tells people about that time their husband and them went camping and tripped off his bike or whatever.

Someone who only ever talks about one thing, other than perhaps their children if asked, is not someone I would find easy to remain friends with.

Maybe she should become a vegan so she has something else to talk about?

We keep being told that queer has been reclaimed but a lot of us older folk still find it really offensive.

Also, it has mostly been reclaimed by people who aren’t gay, how can you reclaim something that wouldn’t have applied to you to begin with? It’s like reclaiming the n word because you’ve got a tan.

I feel for you! I had to give up on a 25 year friendship when they came out as bi, for the last couple of years the entire topic of conversation would be about her and her girlfriends, or how her husband was dealing with it.

Let’s hope she’s not from Yorkshire as well or her head will explode trying to decide what to mention first.

It's important to understand that there's a world of difference between being 'queer' and being gay/bi.

Gay/bi = I happen to prefer or solely focus on relationships with the same sex. Apart from that, I am in no way different to anyone else and my sexuality has little to no bearing on my personality and capabilities in general.

Queer = I am narcissistic and terminally attention seeking. Regardless of my sexual behaviour, I have made 'being queer' my entire personality. As I am subconsciously aware that something as boring as sexual behaviour is a tenuous thing on which to construct one's whole personality, I require constant affirmation of how special and different I am, and I will weasel queerness into every single conversation because I want Everything To Be About Me.

OP - no you can't train her out of doing this by suggestion, NLP or anything else. It's just about whether or not you can put up with it well enough to continue the friendship. Personally I wouldn't bother with someone who managed to centre every single conversation onto their own views on fishing, Israel-Palestine or their love of Taylow Swift. I require more give and take in my friendships. But it's up to you.

She's one dimensional, in this case its about her sexuality, but she could just as easily be gushing about another dimension of her life to the exclusion of all others and its just as boring

So not it isnt homophobic or mean, just means she has nothing to offer you in terms of friendship, which is sad for you.

I would just distance myself over time. If you say anything no doubt you will be accused of being homophobic and she cant be her 'true self' around you, blah blah blah

A few years ago we had a 'queer' person join our sports club and in similar fashion every conversation had to have said 'queerness' shoehorned into it. We also have a large LGB contingent down the club and they could not stand her as she was just a single issue very boring person who thought she was special. She joined the committee and again her only goal was 'raising awareness' rather then running the club efficiently. She flounced from the club when her proposal to replace the club flag with a pride flag was voted down. We have strict rules on being apolitical and we don't change the flag for anyone or anything.

As you were friends before she started only having one conversation topic, what did she used to talk about/be interested in? Ask her about that?

I have a cousin who is gay. Nice guy and a brilliant bloke academically, who despises what he calls people who "use their sexuality to make up for their lack of personality".

Mumsnet is a site where at least half the posts are people wanging on about their husbands- what you do you mean you don't mention your sexuality ever?!

Perhaps she's boring, perhaps she's not as good a friend as you thought (so please don't arrange to see her much) but she may just be talking about her life, her partners, her love life, her daily life, things hetero people go on about just as much but don't think they are talking about their 'sexuality'.

Just a thought.

Talking about my 'husband' isn't 'wanging on' about my sexuality - that just happens to be how I refer to the man I'm married to.
I have a gay friend, who refers to his husband all the time - he's not highlighting he is gay, just mentioning the man he's married to. No difference. Why? Because we are both more than who we are sleeping with.

However, as PP have said, there is a growing faction who's very existence is about their 'queerness' and making sure people use their 'preferred pronouns' and condemning anyone who doesn't conform to this ideology as a bigot. When, in reality, it's just not something most people think about.

As others have said, these people are 100% using their identity to make up for their lack of personality.

We knew a couple with a holiday home in France. Honestly she would get it into every conversation within the first three sentences.

It was probably as annoying as your friend's conversation. We just laughed in the end about it and mixed with her less.

This 100%.

😆😅😂

This reminds me of Vera from the 80s/90s sitcom After Henry, who at every opportunity would "My daughter Trisha, who's married to a merchant banker..."

That did make me laugh!!

Obviously, the answer would be Yorkshire. Why even mention anything else?? 😁