to want my friend to talk about something other than her queer identity

[threadingtheneedle]

A close friend has recently moved into my city so we've been seeing each other a lot more frequently. Before this, we'd see each other 2-3 times a year for a catch up as we lived several hours away from each other.

I've increasingly noticed that in every single conversation we have, no matter what topic, she brings up her queer identity and being a gay woman. I found this really interesting at first, but now it is taking over every conversation.

I know this is something that is important to her, but it truly has become her entire personality, and if I'm being totally honest, it's becoming incredibly boring having the same conversation over and over again. I think there may be an element of narcissism here too, she's always been very focused on herself and not the most empathetic person.

I have several close friends, colleagues and a sibling who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, it's incredibly normal to me to be surrounded by members of the community and have these kinds of discussions, but these people also manage to have other aspects to their personality!

Can I say anything without sounding homophobic or mean? How can I try and coax her to talk about other aspects of her life without inevitably ending up in the same conversation over and over again?

My DC's friends are like this. But they're teenagers and will hopefully grow out of it.

My aunt is similar. She somewhat recently embraced her lesbianism and manages to shoehorn it in to literally every conversation and on the family chat constantly. It has become pretty much the majority of her personality which would be fine if she wasn't so grossly misandristic about it too. So many comments about how much better being in a relationship with a woman is, ooh yeah this woman can use a drill and top up the oil in the car (which is apparently a purely lesbian trait worthy of celebrating) and generally shitting on blokes.

Is she quite recently out? I came out over 40 years ago and tbh I think I was the 'only lesbian in the village' for quite a while. I must have been v tedious, but at least I was a bit of a novelty.

It did wear off, though. There's only so much to say, and after a while I bored myself.

Can't imagine they're missing you 🤣

I'm with @Murfmeister

Gay male mid forties here. Reminds me of the final episode of The Smoking Room, where Robin was accidentally outed, and then had to admit that it was clear everyone knew anyway. He became just a little too forward in one of his conversations, which resulted in Len the security guard leaning over and saying:

"Well done on coming out lad...but go back in a bit".

There are so many times when I've trotted that line out in my head, in reaction to what I have seen or heard...never least the episode of Location, Location, Location, where a young lass brought her queer [sic] status into the mix of factors that are are important to her choices.

No, me neither. 🤔

I'm afraid she wouldn't like me...I have a very broad but even more so random set of skills that cross the previously "gender defined roles". As in, you won't get me touching anything under the bonnet of a car, but I'm equally at home using the washing machine as I am mending it. Currently in the process of putting up shelves so that I can put the ironing away.

And I can't cook.

I think the location. Location example is actually fair enough (if it was the 4 female one based in Brighton)

Brighton is a good place to live if gay as it's very open and couples holding hands in public is normal.

That sadly is probably not the case in a lot of places in the uk.

I have a friend who is exactly the same.

She was like it a few years back when she found god.

It's her latest obsession. She'll move on when something more exciting takes her interest.

How dull! It seems that being queer has turned into the new goth and it’s more about being part of a gang than about your actual sexuality. It seems that some people who just want to fit in some make up some rubbish about being non-binary or pansexual that doesn’t involve any gender changing or actually having relationships with the opposite sex.

I’m bisexual but I married a man so it has literally no relevance to my life now so I’m most people I’ve met in the last 15 years would have no idea at all. I don’t shy away from it if there was ever a reason to bring it up (e.g talking about past relationships) but there generally isn’t. Unless we get divorced it will stay that way.

No, it wasn't. It was a single young woman who made it sound that being "queer" brought with it a set requirements that others wouldn't understand.

'As a woman who likes cock I'm making a pink trouser suit, Esme'.

🤣🤣 It sounds v. boring, OP, I’d meet up less often and see whether the friendship survives. You don’t have to spend time with someone who bores you.

Nah, it used to be a slur used against gay man and lesbians.

Now its being used by straight people with 'identities' .

That's not reclaiming, that's appropriation.

It’s very dull when someone only talks about one topic or chooses one issue and makes it their personality.

I have a good friend who divorced about eight years ago. It was a very difficult time for her, and really happy to support her but she is still going on and on and on about it.

Theres nothing to say either, she has a good relationship with her ex, is in a good place professionally, I don’t know why it’s the topic of every conversation.

@Tarquina likewise. 27 years for my older sister (private detectives, landlines bugged, money, he was having an affair too) bangs on about nothing else. We did this, we did that ... it was 1997 ffs, leave it now, please.
I refer to her as Miss Havisham on the quiet.

I had a lovely work friend who was really down to earth, hilarious and intelligent.
She got really into being ‘queer’ despite being married to a man, and became a bit like this. I’m bi and my Dad came out later in life so am no stranger to the issues but tbh it’s not stuff I want to revisit over and over. I used to change the subject if it went on longer than 5 mins and she gradually got bored of it and moved onto other concerns which were more current.

It’s always boring when people make something like this their whole identity. I knew someone who could only talk about their mental health. I’d be updated on their meds and lots of things, it’s all they could talk about.

People tend to talk about what they are still working through in their lives – be that dating, a relationship, a career chance or anything else of significance that they are either struggling with or still exploring. And yes, some people do get bored of their friends talking excessively about any one aspect of their life – whether it's a relationship, a job, or anything else. Either talk to her about it, keep tactfully changing the subject or drop her.

@Jacopo as a lesbian living in Yorkshire your comment made me laugh. I'm not a vegan though-so there's that!

Seriously though it's one thing mentioning one's general life in conversation (e.g. me saying "my girlfriend and I saw that show last week") versus the constant "well as a lesbian I think..." sometimes I wonder if it's because this is the first time in history people have been able to openly talk about it and so a lot of people have not learnt to self-regulate yet?

I always say that my sexuality is one of the most boring aspects of my identity-and as a few posters have pointed out, identity is often mistaken for personality these days.

Good on you. The constant flag waving is becoming increasingly unbearable.

I wonder if it is just a habit that she has got into? In the past, saying "As a queer woman..." has probably had people widening their eyes and leaning in.

I remember David Baddiel once saying that if he fell in a river, his mum would have shouted "Help! My son - the Cambridge graduate - is drowning!"

Only you can know if it is really is impossible to talk about anything other than her identity. If someone ran up and interviewed her about what three things you have going on right now, could she answer?

My FIL is a bit like this, except instead of his sexuality, it's his membership of the Freemasons. Literally every topic of conversation circles back to something involving the Freemasons. Just spent the weekend with them and I was so tempted to comment, "Oh are you in the Freemasons Bob? I had no idea!" 😂

My gran still bitches about my grandfather's many flaws. They split up in 1949.

On the other hand, I'd be genuinely interested by insights into a lesbian masonic lodge. Maybe the OP's friend could get together with your FIL and plan something.

Can you please ask him what on earth the Freemasons DO? I've always wondered and even googling doesn't actually answer my question!