To want to stay at home with my DS.....

[Harrybee]

I returned to work just over a year ago from having 10 months off Maternity leave and ever since i have been really down in the dumps and feel that my DH doent understand how i feel. I work full time and get very tired from doing so and doing all the running of the house etc.

I have spoken to my DH to see if its possible for me to go part time but his answer was NO WE CANT OFFORD IT!!

Am i being unreasonable to want to stay at home to look after my DS and be a SAHM??

Honest opions please....

Could you and DH look at your finances in detail, and discuss what you can cut back on?

I think this is such an important issue to you that he owes you more than to dismiss it out of hand.

Would your current job be flexible about you reducing your hours?

I think you are entirely reasonable to want to stay at home and look after your DS.

I did, and worked in the evenings instead.

It was tough and tiring, and we had to cut down on lots of things, but it was worth it.

Why do you do all the running of the house if you also work full time. Does your DH not help with that?

I think the rising cost of living is such that for some people two wages are needed in order to live.

I know it takes 2 wages coming in to this house for us to survive. In dhs last job I didn't need to work & was a SAHM for a few years. Then he changed jobs & we both need to work now.

I don't think YABU to want to stay at home, though dh might think you are if he is struggling to pay bills etc on one wage.

I think he needs to help you run the house & let you spend more time with ds.

Is there any chance of cutting down hours & going p/t if that is feasible?

My DH works shifts and a lot of weekends so i feel bad if i ask him to help around the house. We dont pay for childcare as my mum looks after DS for us, that a real teat as she doesnt charge. If i was paying childcare i dont think it would be worth working to be honest.
Our mortgage is due for renewal soon and with the interest rates so high i think that cutting back on this is likely anyway.
My work should be flexible but thats not for definate, somthing i would look into though.

I just feel that i never get to spend quality time with my DS and it breaks my heart that im away from him all day.

Fast forward say, 15 years or so, and would you look back and think 'Jeez, I'm so glad I spent all that time with my son and enjoyed him growing up' or would you be thinking,'Crikey, I'm glad I stayed at work all these years (but my son is nearly a man now - how did that happen)'.

Or Terihatchet how about:

"Crikey, I'm so glad I stopped working! oh & remember that lovely house we used to live in that was repossessed & that flat that came afterwards & all those bills that mounted up when I stopped working....."

Could you do "compacted days" at work for 4 days and get one day off? I'm not sure this is the right phrase - I mean work a couple of extra hours a day for 4 days, so you're working the same number of hours overall?

I'm not sure working shifts/weekends is a good excuse for not doing any housework, but whatever works for you. I do the Flylady system to keep my house in (sort of) order flylady.net and that's helpful.

Could you get a cleaner? Send your ironing out? Hire a gardener?

I reckon there is always a way around having possessions - downsizing, making do, substituting things. You can never get time back.

I looked into getting a cleaner and someone to do the ironing but these are all added expenses.
I really want to have another baby soon too but the worry of having to go back to work full time makes me wonder if its the right time or decision to make in the near future.

We do need 2 wages to survive and even cutting back on our tiny little luxuries i dont think will really help.

These decisions are so difficult and compromise difficult to find. It definitely sounds like at the very least your dh could/should be doing more round the house to help you out.
YANBU to want to stay at home - good luck with reacing an agreement with your dh

If you can not afford not to work then your dh has to do more when he is not working, even if he is shift working there is no reason for him not helping with the housework.

Your tired and worn out because you are trying to be the 'perfect' women who can have/do everything you can't.

what if you had word with your mum and she ws to say she couldnt look fter your ds full time anymore,,,,,,mybe that would give you n out for eithera job change or a period of being a sahm?

im not generally one for deceit but your ds will only be a little boy for a short time [sad.

i think your dh is being unreasonable in not even acknowledging your opinion on this.

YANBU I LOVE SAH and it is worth the financial sacrifice, I am not bored and have plenty to do, I also study with the OU. There are ways to make money at home. If you are good at selling you can make money on ebay or amazon or maybe childminding. My DH got a better paid job. I think work is overrated but if you need both wages to live on it is not so easy although there are ways to make money from home.

sorry that was abit waffley

I know what you are all saying and i thank you for your kind word and advice.
I will speak with my DH and make him understand how i feel, im sure there are things that we can go with out and im also sure my DS would benifit from me being around alot more.

HB - can you draw up and budget and make a plan before you talk to your DH again? So that rather than saying "please can I do this?" you are saying, "I think that if I dropped down to 4 days, meaning this reduction in salary, we could stil cover this and this, but would have to cut back on that" - maybe research positive ways to save the money like new phone provider etc?

I would be very business-like about this if I were you. I think that men generally do worry a lot about finances and appreciate a practical approach to things.
Like justabouttoahavelunch I don't know your circumstances, and maybe it isn't possible, but I would look at things like -
transport - could you get rid of a car if you don't work
childcare - how much is it costing you?
food - if you stay at home, are you willing to cook everything from scratch and really shrink the grocery bill? Do you buy food at work for lunch (which would be another expense that you could give up if you don't work)?
There might also be luxuries like take-aways, gym membership, SkyTV, Starbucks, haircuts that you could give up.
I would also say that if you do negociate with DH that you will tighten the budget to give up full-time work, then obviously you need to know that you will actually stick to it (which isn't always easy - I speak from experience).
YANBU to want to stay at home, by the way. You never know until you have a child how you'll feel about leaving them.

There's a good budget planner here. First of all get your bank statements out and spend a couple of hours working out where your money is really going. Hopefully you'll find some ways to economise. Hope this helps. And YANBU.

Hmmm. But is it really every woman's "right" to stay at home and look after their kids? I can understand why DH might not fancy being the sole earner, esp. if you had agreed to go back to work pre-kids.

It's early days yet, if you've only just gone back, and of course it's tiring making the adjustment, especially when your LO is still small.

Sounds like you need to point out that you can't work full-time AND give it 100% in the house and with the baby. Let DH into the decision-making process about what needs to give.

I think YABU to just announce to your DH that you want to give up working - I'm sure he would like to stay at home with your DS too, or not have to work shifts and weekends.
You both need to sit down and have a reasonable discussion about how things are going (ie dividing household tasks fairly), and what would make things better for you all as a family, and see what is realistic.