To want to stay at home with my DS.....

[Harrybee]

I returned to work just over a year ago from having 10 months off Maternity leave and ever since i have been really down in the dumps and feel that my DH doent understand how i feel. I work full time and get very tired from doing so and doing all the running of the house etc.

I have spoken to my DH to see if its possible for me to go part time but his answer was NO WE CANT OFFORD IT!!

Am i being unreasonable to want to stay at home to look after my DS and be a SAHM??

Honest opions please....

Just seen the size of your mortgage, and I think that your DH has a point. Sorry.
Even if you pared everything back to the basics it would be difficult to deal with unexpected expenses.

Could you look for a job locally so that you don't have the travelling time ,yes you would earn less but not that less looking at what you day you are paid but you would get home earlier and you would save £130 a month .
Also I would counsel those who speak about going back fulltime once they start school,in my experience it gets worse when they start school becasue after school childcare is difficult and you have school holidays to cope with and most schools still do not cater for working parents ;events are always in school time.

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Not quite freelancing but offering a "virtual office" service from home - would something similar be a possibility?

Alternatively as a compromise - how about a school/university admin type of assistant? Shorter days and longer holidays - would probably pay less but would give you more time.

Is our Mortgage really that high? Most friends of mine pay a simular about each month. Out total mortgage is for 175000 and at the fixed interest rate we took out when we bought the house 18 months ago works out about 1200 a month! Whats everyone else paying then??

is changing jobs and working more locally to you an option? you may be able to cut travel costs?

It's a horrible situation to be in and YANBU to want to be a sahm. I went back to part time work in Dec after having ds and I can honestly say it was much easier when I didn't work. I was going a bit mad staying at home though so i do need to work part time(for my sanity and money). Before I had ds, and just had dd I worked 2 full days a week and now I do 3 half days to fit in dd's preschool so I think that is what I find hard.

I would try and explore all my options if I were you. Changing jobs, cutting a day from your exisiting job etc etc. If it will make you happier then I would try and do it some how.

Oh and I agree with whoever said go back to dh armed with a plan of this is what i'd like to do, it'll mean x,y,z and see what he thinks. Men tend to understand facts far more than feelings

We apy about that for a similar size mortgage but i have to say that our income is higher,having said that we squeeze three sets of school fees out as well!

I didn;t intend to be a SAHM. But when I went back to work my employer cut my responsibilities and therefore pay. It wasn't worth me going to work and especially now with another one due it wouldn't cover the cost of childcare.

It's rubbish, we are skint, but we're surviving. It's hard, but it can be done.

We bought our house 18 months ago for £175000, we have a 2 year fixed and we pay £735 month..

Cleo are you interest only though as we are repayment!

I really feel for you Harrybee. YANBU to want to be a SAHM but obviously the practicalities of life get in the way of all our wishes. There has been lots of good advice already on here. You and DH need to work out a proper budget whatever you decide to do. Check out Martin Lewis' moneysavingexpert website for ways to cut down on your expenses. When you've worked out what you need to live on & to maintain whatever lifestyle you are comfortable with (be that with or without holidays, 2nd cars, lots of new clothes, toys, gadgets, etc) then you will see what you need to earn as a couple. You can then start to look at how you can earn that, by full-time or part-time work, work from home, etc. Obviously, you need to factor in contingencies such as a rise in mortgage payments, etc. (BTW, apparently you should start looking for a new deal 3 months before your current mortgage deal ends)

We have decided that I'm not going back to work at the mo and things are definitely tight but we are coping and I'm so glad that I can be at home with DD. Although, sometimes, I'd love to go back to work for a break!

re the mortgage it depends where you live as to whether that's high or not. My house didn't cost as much as your mortgage so to me that's high but I pay £750 a month for my mortgage and that's a lot to us. we struggle, but then again we don't earn as much as you and your dh either.

No,we are repayment.

If you are on a repayments mortgage you might be able to cut the amount by moving to interest only for a couple of years.We are paying that amount but thinking about it we are paying off over less than 25 years so yors does sound a little high,if you look at moneyfacts.com you can put in the amount of your mortgage and it will est the monthly cost for you.

Your mortgage seems high in relation to salary I would say. In the old days (showing my age now!) you used to calculate an affordable mortgage as being either 3 x 1 salary or 2.5 x joint salaries. Of course interest rates are much lower now (was 15% I think when I first bought), but of course they can go back up.

I don't think that your mortgage is excessive in itself, just that it will be a very high percentage of your DH's take-home pay if you don't work.
Not that it couldn't work out, but I think it would take a lot of homework and soul searching.

I've had periods of being the sole breadwinner, like anniemac, and I didn't like the pressure. Fair enough for your DH to want you to contribute financially

BUT

IMO he needs to do his share in running the house - then you wouldn't be so exhausted. This is totally unfair.

Agree it would be a good plan for you to look into reducing your hours, work out how much less you would be bringing home and work out a budget to show to DH. But even if you only work 4 days, you should no way be doing all housework.

I don't know all your incomings and outgoings obviously, but with your DHs income and free childcare, even with a fairly hefty mortgage (which I don't think at £1200 pcm is that unusual) I would have thought you could manage with either a lower wage of yours, or no wage. Can you get a part time job closer to home, even if in a different field just for a couple of years?

But no, YANBU to want to be at home. I think you need to do a spreadsheet of all your ins and outs, with and without your wage and associated working expenses, and sit down with DH and lay it out in black and white for him. Men like facts and figures usually!

Oh and working shifts and weekends does not excuse him from pulling his weight around the house. You're working full time too - why is his spare time more precious (and drudge free) than yours?

Both working, both parents, both live there - share the load.

But anniemac, Harrybee says that her DH's salary is £30,000 to £35,000. According to my calculations that's between £1865 and £2153 a month take-home. And that's assuming that he doesn't pay out any other money from his salary (most importantly, no pension). With a mortgage of 1200 a month that means that the mortgage is between 64% and 55% of the take home. A sensible amount is considered to be no more than 40%.
I'm not saying that it can't be done, just that it isn't going to be an easy decision and that I can understand Harrybee's DH's concerns.

our mortgage is for £115K, we pay about £800 a month, maybe its time we looked around for a better deal as it seems that you guys are getting more for your money, £1,200 a month seems alot too harry, maybe you could shop around.

I don't think it is fair to look just at whether it can be afforded (although that is clearly the first hurdle to clear).

I think a lot also depends on what they as a couple decide they want their lifestyle to be like (including the care of their children). I think it is unreasonable to presume that her DH will accede to a drastic reduction in their disposable income so that she can stay at home and look after Harry. I know I'd be pretty damned pissed off if my DH decided to give up work, leaving me to shoulder all of the financial responsibility of providing for the family and in addition leaving me with a drastic reduction in life style.

In any event - I imagine that if they cannot squeeze out the money to afford a cleaner then they are clearly not going to be able to live without the OP's income.