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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay at home with my DS.....

111 replies

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 11:16

I returned to work just over a year ago from having 10 months off Maternity leave and ever since i have been really down in the dumps and feel that my DH doent understand how i feel. I work full time and get very tired from doing so and doing all the running of the house etc.

I have spoken to my DH to see if its possible for me to go part time but his answer was NO WE CANT OFFORD IT!!

Am i being unreasonable to want to stay at home to look after my DS and be a SAHM??

Honest opions please....

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 16:13

Our annual salary for the past two years has been 7K, but we have incurred debt to survive - not a good situation. a 35K salary would see us right, i woudlnt think twice about staying at home, we pay £800 a month mortgage alongsine about £300 visas and other bills. Can't see what your DH problem is tbh.

anniemac · 09/04/2008 16:14

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lulumama · 09/04/2008 16:15

YANBU, but you need to approach this rationally

if one salary will not keep a roof over your heads, bills paid and food on the table, you have to rethink

change jobs

work part time

negotiate with your boss

really and truly would you be happy being a SAHM, with no holidays, no new clothes, no meals out, no SKY TV, no trips to the cinema, no hairdressers, shopping at lidl, no extras or luxuries.. becasues that is what it might boil down to, if your salary was £20 000 PA and you want to stop working altogether

i think you and your DH have to look at this realistically, and if you cannot afford to be a SAHM, then the reality is, you can't.

if you do keep working full time, see about getting a cleaner etc.

mrs tittlemouse has given good advice

anniemac · 09/04/2008 16:15

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lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 16:15

yes, thats right, i did say 7K - was staggered when we worked it out. DP self employed. We would live happily on a salary of 30K, we dont live in london, but cost of living in this area is equal to.

lulumama · 09/04/2008 16:16

and think about how your DH will feel, with the security of you and the little one solely on his shoulders, he might feel terrified!

barnstaple · 09/04/2008 16:18

I'm really sorry, but what on earth do you spend your money on? DH, me and dd manage to survive on less than 20K pa! You can do it.

Oh and he can do stuff at home you know. You're working full time and do stuff at home; he's working full time and doesn't. Sounds like someone's getting away with an awful lot!

lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 16:19

we don't have holidays, we dont buy new clothes, we dont have trips to the cinema or luxuries. If that is the only argument then its not a good one im afraid. Its about whether you can keep up with the bills, afford to eat etc. Hopefully things will be better for us this year, then DD will be at school and i will work. I have had PND so this too has affected my ability to work. Do i feel selfish for being a SAHM - absolutely i do. Would i change it, absolutely not. I may well live to regret it.

lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 16:21

oh and the last time i went to the hair dressers, DD was 6m and i was charged £40, needless to say i wont be repeating that

anniemac · 09/04/2008 16:22

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anniemac · 09/04/2008 16:25

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MrsTittleMouse · 09/04/2008 16:27

The amount that you spend does depend on where you live though. Things like council tax vary a great deal (we pay a LOT and we're not in a palace), and so do travel costs. There are some places where you have to have a car (tax/MOT/insurance/maintainance/petrol), and some where you have to spend a lot on public transport (like London).

anniemac · 09/04/2008 16:28

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lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 16:30

because the money comes in irregularly, sometimes we have nothing and have to rely on family to help. Its pretty soul destroying, but i have been too ill to work.

I just think that 30K is more than enough to manage for a short time. I know i have been selfish, and that knowledge does nothing for my self esteem. I just think that if people really want to stay at home, and dont mind sacrificing luxuries, i mean, do you NEED nice clothes and a holiday every year? Then it is more than possible given the OPs circumstances. I guess i shouldnt use us as a yardpost as our situation is pretty dire, especially considering we haven't been in receipt of any benefits.

PrimulaVeris · 09/04/2008 16:34

That mortgage is high in relation to salary - I'd side with your DH in that I'd be uncomfortable with just relying on one breadwinner.

I'm in a different position to you in that I very actively CHOSE to work full time and then part time. This may sound as though I'm being a omen of doom but ...

  • public sector jobs and government jobs are no longer secure. (Both DH and I work in public sector) - so dont assume that.
  • it's not just a case of what can you afford now - there are longer term issues such as pension and security (god I'm showing my age)
  • do you intend, or would like, to have other children? If so, they cost ...
  • young babies are cheap to 'maintain'. Your expenditure and outgoings really will increase as they get older

You need to have a long chat with your other half.

  • if part time work not suitable in your current job - as a PA you have transferable skills. Could you get a job closer to home (no commute) or in a more family-friendly environment than the City?
soapbox · 09/04/2008 16:34

Well it might be possible if they live estremely frugally, but as a couple they may not decide that that lifestyle is for them.

I know that personally, I could not live happily if we were running up debts so would never opt for life style decisions that would require us to do so.

foxythesnowfox · 09/04/2008 19:53

What is the interest rate you are paying? It seems high. How much longer are you tied into it?

If it were me, I'd be doing pages of sums. (but I just love a spreadsheet!).

Firstly, work out your incomings and outgoings as they stand now. Put down absolutely everything, travel, morning coffee, everything.

Then do the same again, predicting what you would receive/spend by going 4 days a week, and the same again for giving up work. Take into account tax credits.

Hopefully you'll get an idea of whether it is feasible and also have something to talk through with DH.

Would your company consider giving you a sabbatical? A years unpaid leave?

MadamePlatypus · 09/04/2008 20:04

I don't think Harry's mortgage payment is high for the southeast.

Not quite sure how Cleo has a £175K repayment mortage and is only paying £735 a month. On a 25 year salary this would only be possible with a 2% interest rate. Only making point to show that this kind of mortgage wouldn't be widely available.

kitsmummy · 09/04/2008 20:22

HarryBee, your husband must take home nearly £2k per month so that would surely cover the mortgage and all other direct debits with some left over, unless you have any big loans? Surely without childcare costs you could afford to drop 1 day a week and still earn £16k and afford the food, petrol, living costs. Sounds to me like your husband has it easy as he does no running of the house so has absolutely no appreciation of how much you do. Also, some men are just like that - they feel hard done by if you "work" less than they do, never mind that you probably do nearly all the running of the house. Try to work out finances exactly to show him how you could afford to drop a day. Also, try giving him a list of chores that he's going to have to do to do his share.

Theochris · 09/04/2008 20:47

I agree with PV. It is not just now that you have to consider, there is the long term. What about pensions, other children, big expenses like a roof or a car. God I sound boring

With take home of approx 2000, 1200 is a big commitment, what else do you have to pay for with that 800 quid? Loans? Pension contributions? Council tax? Insurances? It is probably doable but you might feel the shock.

If my partner left me to be the sole breadwinner I think the responsibility would weigh heavy on my shoulders.

With things the way they are at the mo, you could struggle to get a better mortgage deal.

Good luck with your decision.

Theochris · 09/04/2008 20:51

Of course it goes without saying your husband should do his share round the house regardless of whether you work out of the home or not.

If you really can't afford a cleaner ATM then you will struggle to give up your wage. Or is it that you would rather this money goes on other things, which is fair enough. I could technically afford one, but we don't as I would prefer to spend that money on other non necessities.

cushioncover · 09/04/2008 20:57

Harrybee, if it makes you feel any better my mortgage is double yours and it sometimes keeps me awake at night worrying about what we'd do if DH lost his job. I guess if your DH is a civil servant then at least his job is reasonably secure.

I work 2days a week and DH keeps suggesting that 3days would be good. I think men always worry about the financial aspect primarily.

YANBU if you can afford it. Just go to him with a plan. Good luck!

HonoriaGlossop · 09/04/2008 21:29

Harry, I just wanted to let you know that this was important to me too, we couldn't really afford it either, and downsized to a two bed terrace in order for me to work only 2 days a week while ds was a pre-schooler.

That was important to me and DH, that DS had a parent with him almost all the time before he started school. So I don't think YABU at all, I think it's totally understandable that you hate being away from your child 5 days a week and I think it is a precious thing to give a child IF YOU CAN

I would approach it as not asking him, but saying this is what you want for your ds, and how can you acheive it.....it IS for a limited time, they are young for so little time. I think you need to sit down together and do the best you can to come up with a plan. you only live once - why not try what you want for you and your ds?

HonoriaGlossop · 09/04/2008 21:31

oh yes and meant to say, with BOTH of you working full time why the heck is the running of the house all on you?

I think it's time to share out the home responsibilities far more equally; did this with my dh, actually had a typewritten sheet pinned up in the kitchen listing all jobs to do, until I got him into an acceptable routine

halogen · 09/04/2008 21:39

£1200 a month is just the mortgage, I think. Is that right? There might easily be another £250 to pay in insurance/council tax/pensions/loans and that's without electricity and gas bills and food and essential clothes (shoes for DS etc).

My partner earns a bit more than yours, harrybee, and we have a slightly smaller mortgage and we would seriously struggle were I to give up work (I work 3 short days a week, about 15 hours). And we don't even have any loans or credit cards to pay. We could certainly never go on holiday, never have haircuts, never be able to do anything to the house to make it nicer etc and I think we would be having to watch the grocery bills etc in a way that would be hard for all of us. We probably couldn't afford to have the outings and things that my daughter really enjoys.

Could you perhaps look into working part-time? I don't think you are being unreasonable, exactly, but I do think you haven't necessarily thought through what impact giving up work would really have on your finances.