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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to stay at home with my DS.....

111 replies

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 11:16

I returned to work just over a year ago from having 10 months off Maternity leave and ever since i have been really down in the dumps and feel that my DH doent understand how i feel. I work full time and get very tired from doing so and doing all the running of the house etc.

I have spoken to my DH to see if its possible for me to go part time but his answer was NO WE CANT OFFORD IT!!

Am i being unreasonable to want to stay at home to look after my DS and be a SAHM??

Honest opions please....

OP posts:

Original poster

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 14:22

DH earns a fair wage about 30-35k a year and i only earn 20k. His job is very secure as he works for the goverment. Im not sure if he could cover all the bills as our mortgate alone is 1200 a month that doenst inclued any other bills.
I know it will be hard for him as he really does worry about money.

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 09/04/2008 14:24

YANBU-Of course you need to discuss this with your DH if that is how you feel.
It is natural to want to spend your child's formative years with them
However, I think if you not both on board with this, and if DH is not completely supportive of this way of life (sahming} then I would think twice.
Cutting your household income in half and the changes that will bring will cause problems in the home if one of you is resentful

Original poster

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 14:25

I havent just announce it to him its been a discussion between us for some time but we dont get any further each time its discussed. I have more respect for my DH than to come home one day and say that it!
He loves his job and i know for a fact he would not want to be at home, he is not that maternal!

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 09/04/2008 14:28

Yescmot seems a bit radical doesn't she?

Original poster

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 14:29

im with you on that one!

OP posts:

foxythesnowma · 09/04/2008 14:29

Perhaps if you could look at it as a short-term thing? Say, for the next two years.

Yes, things would be tight financially but its for a limited time and you'd get by. Consider things like going interest-only on your mortgage, check if you can save money by switching your utilities, go to pay as you go mobile if you are on a contract, all the little things add up.

Down sizing is very now dontcha know!

foxythesnowma · 09/04/2008 14:30

And your tax credit entitlement will change won't it?

Original poster

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 14:33

Yes they will im sure. Every little hepls ah!

OP posts:

justabouttohavelunch · 09/04/2008 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkjenny · 09/04/2008 14:36

Harry - am in exactly the same position. Returned to work in Feb, dd now 11mo. It seems like I am actually getting worse though, not better. I absolutely hate leaving her, she spends 2 days at nursery and 2 days with my mum, but I really wish I could stay at home.

DH won't hear of it either, despite the fact that he earns a v.good salary. He says that I wouldn't be prepared to make the sacrifices required. Think the translation of that is, 'you'd always be asking me for money'. He is from a v. traditional family though, his sil doesn't work.

His family would be mortified if they knew I wanted to stay at home and he disapproved. His grandparents don't even know I work!

Original poster

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 14:47

I would realy consider going part time, even 4 days a week would be great but DH says we are fine the way things are now. We do have a good routine but just that one extra day at home would make all the difference.

OP posts:

MadamePlatypus · 09/04/2008 14:52

I don't think its a case of being reasonable or unreasonable. Either you can afford to stay at home or you can't. I think you need to check out Girlysquare's link and see whether it adds up.

If your DH's pay is 35K, presumably after the mortgage that would leave 950/month to live on. You need to work out whether that money would cover bills and other unavoidable commitments, food, clothes, house repairs, transport, running a car.

How much will be left over for holidays, Christmas and birthdays, toys?

Are you prepared to cut out little extras like magazines and coffees?

You also need to calculate how much money you earn after nursery fees, your travel costs and any other work related costs. This is the amount of money that you add to the pot. Would you be able to work part-time? Do you do the kind of work where a career break would be practical?

At the moment I can afford to stay at home. However, when DS was 5 months old I had to return to work. Yes, it would have been great in some ways to have been able to be at home then, but on the other hand, sometimes its necessary to put food on the table and a roof over your child's head, and thats great too.

MadamePlatypus · 09/04/2008 14:54

I would also agree that one day at home does make a big difference if you can manage it. (I used to work a compressed week - 7 to 5.30 4 days a week so that I could be at home and meet up with other baby friends for the 5th day.)

justabouttohavelunch · 09/04/2008 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Surr3ymummy · 09/04/2008 15:08

I think your best bet is to look at working part time - so this will entail some cutbacks financially but not so much as to be a non-starter. What do you currently do - would your employer be open to you changing your hours and if so what would the options be?

If not, then maybe you could look at doing something more home based - being a childminder or a Nanny, that would allow you to look after your own child(ren) as well as bringing in an income.

It is hard, I worked full time with my first 2 (as a single parent), as I had no choice. Now remarried, with another DC I would have liked longer time off, but it's simply not an option financially. I am very fortunate though to work compressed hours over 4 days a week, and typically 2 - 3 of those days are spent at home, so I do feel I get good time with DS and older DDs. It is of course worth bearing in mind that it can be very hard to get back into employment (particularly part-time) after having children.

lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 15:12

DP and i really struggle, i mean STRUGGLE, i have hustled with this over and over in my mind, and i just cannot bear to leave my 2.5 year old all day, she wouldn't mind, but to just see her in the evenings before bed would break my heart, it would make me miserable, i would have to do most of the house stuff, and even with DPs help it would be hard. I can't afford to work part time - but there is no way i could bear to miss those milestones. It works for some people, and i have to admit, im envious of their careers and money and the fact that they can do it all. I just don't feel that i could personally manage. I would be a tired grumpy mummy during the time we could be together. She starts school next year, then i will go back to work full time. I feel so guilty about all the pressue being on DP but we both agree we have done the right thing, for us.

Original poster

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 15:17

I work as a PA in the city, my hours were 8-5pm every day but once i returned from maternity leave i then change this to 9-5pm. My boss had no issues with this as long my work is done. Im sure if i explained the situation im in my boss would consider droping a day but the problem is they reduced my salary by nearly £3000 for just dropping 5 hours a week so it scares me what they will reduce it to if i drop a whole day. I also pay £130 travel a month, this is for an anual travel card, they dont do partime ones so i will still be paying the same amount even if i work only 4 days.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 15:18

Thats a huge mortgage, could you not downsize?

cleo43 · 09/04/2008 15:18

YANBU for wanting to stay home with ds, but perhaps this is something you should have considered beforehand!!
I am a SAHM, my dh earns alot less than 35k and we live perfectly well.

lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 15:20

IF you are a PA, would it be reasonable to go freelance?? I dont know, havent a clue, but might it be worth it, you could dictate your own hours then, and you would probably earn more money. I could be completely talkikng shit here of course

Original poster

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 15:22

I dont think down sizing is an option as we already moved from a 4 bed to a 3 bed and plus the property market is droping so we wouldnt get a great deal for our house now.
We need to renew our mortgate in Nov so fingers crossed the rates dont go up.!

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 15:23

i suppose everyones version of "cannot afford" is different. If it means you cant afford holidays, new car, new clothes etc, then your DH needs to realise there are more important things in life. If it is because you cant pay the bills (like us) then he does have a point, but there must be a way round it if you really want it.

Original poster

Harrybee · 09/04/2008 15:23

Im not sure freelancing as a PA would work, its not something i ahve heard of. Maybe im talking s**t now, i havent a clue either! lo

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 15:25

Its pants isn't it Harry. I honestly despair of a society where parents cannot afford to look after their own children should they so choose. It just makes me sad. If you chose to work because that works for you - great, but i just hear so often from mums, "i cant afford not to work" it is a sorry show.

lucyellensmum · 09/04/2008 15:29

Well if you think of something harry, let me know - i sure could do with a financial boost here too.

I'm going to stick my head on the line here now, and i might upset some people, but its better to be honest isnt it. I hate that we live in a society where the choice to be a SAHM is so frowned upon. Surely being a mother is about as important as it gets. But we are often looked upon as lazy, work shy or incapable. Yes, its not rocket science being a mum, its hard work, but it comes naturally to most. Why does it have to be denegrated so much. I honestly think the government should be doing more to help families who want to be the major carers for their children. Am i just being niave???

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