To work or not to work

[ForPlumDreamer]

I’m on maternity leave until November and having gone through finances with my partner, it’s irrelevant whether I go back to work or stay at home with the kids (3yo & 8mo) and I’m so torn about my decision and I really want to know if I will regret it either way?

Before kids, I was flying high in my career in construction. It’s very male dominated and especially in the site based role I had (have) and I found myself working twice as hard as my male counterparts to prove myself and to be listened to in meetings. Usually I would spend the first 6 months of any project earning my place. I loved it and relished the challenge but it’s hard graft, the work to earn my place felt worthy as I was paving the way for other women but it’s no picnic.

When I returned after my first maternity leave, it was so much harder. People found me even harder to relate to as a mum, I didn’t have the brain space for the additional work I have to do, and I felt like having a year off had been really detrimental to my progress. I considered quitting multiple times and ended up taking sick leave when I was pregnant the second time as the stress was overwhelming.

I know that whatever happens, I can’t stay with my current company as it’s just too old fashioned / unsupportive for me. But I also don’t feel that I could breezily walk into a job of equal standing at a new company that doesn’t know me (and after 2 years spent on maternity leave), because regardless of which company I work for, the industry is very tough and masculine.

I’d also want a flexible / part time position which my current company have granted me (4 days, paid for 4 days, but really I squeeze 5 days work into 4 and then spend my 1 weekday with kids cramming all our family admin in) but that’s not common in my role and I don’t expect I’d find it.

My partner knows all this and questions why I’d want to work at all if on the balance of income / childcare costs it’s not necessary for me to work and I had a hard time when I went back. But I suppose it’s not as simple as that.

I love my children and feel really fortunate to have the opportunity to spend time with them while they’re little, rather than pay someone else to be with them and see they’re gorgeous chubby cheeks every day. My partner works fully from home and between us we have a good balance and it means we can spend a lot of time together as a family.

My worry is that if I leave my company when my maternity ends, I’m essentially leaving my career, so when the kids start school I’ll have to start from scratch again.

It’s not just work, it’s leaving my degree, my career, my salary, my pension, my prospects, ability to bring in good money and everything I worked hard for before having kids.

To summarise, I love the opportunity I’ve been given to be a SAHM but I’m scared to say goodbye to my career, and I don’t know which decision I’d live to regret

I think I'd probably go back to work if I were in your position. I wouldn't feel financially secure at all relying on your DP's salary. I am lucky to be a sahm but I used mat leave to build up a passive income so I've never been relying on DH's income, and am financially independent. I love my time with my dc but having money has meant it's been very comfortable, putting dcs in nursery from age 2, paying for high quality activities and trips out and outsourcing some domestic work. Being a ft sahm with a small age gap, being stuck at home doing the housework and only being able to afford uninspiring playgroups in a draughty church hall doesn't sound much fun even compared to your high pressure job.

From my read of how you think I reckon you'd not enjoy being a SAHM, plus the more time you have out the more the imposter syndrome will bite...

I'd go back and if you're in a location where it is feasible look at the University sector (estates type roles) as likely being flexible while using your expertise.

Getting back is the toughest bit, so I'd advise not putting it off!

NI contributions shouldn't be a problem, all parents can claim NI credits until the youngest is 12 simply by registering for child benefit even if income is too high.

Sahms can contribute £2880 a year towards a private pension which gets the same tax uplift as an employer pension if you are on a basic rate, and also contribute £5k a year to a LISA which gets a bonus which is the same as the tax uplift. Plus you can put in an extra £15k a year into an ISA which would be tax free when withdrawn.

But these pension contributions are so low - better than nothing but that's it. Most people would pay more than that into a pension scheme and have it at least partially matched by their employer. So, yes, you can try to protect yourself but unless you have a very, very high earning DH, saving on your behalf, you are categorically going to be worse off in not working. (Even with a high earning DH, you're not going to get the employer matching or tax benefits).

I wouldn’t give up work. Because as i always say on these threads, it’s so much harder to work once the kids are at school. So basically you’re out until secondary school at least.

is he paying into HIS pension or a pension for you? As you’re not married you’d need a pension just in your name, otherwise nothing to say you’d get it if you split up.

for me it’s so much more than the measurable. I’d hate to stay home, I’d be bored to tears!

You have said you would lose money if changing role and reducing salary at this point. However childcare costs should be seen as a joint expense and this is the most expensive point with two needing to be in nursery and will only last a couple of years.

You will lose a lot more in future earnings and pension if you leave the job market entirely for a number of years.

You will lose a lot more in future earnings and pension if you leave the job market entirely for a number of years.

Absolutely - don’t do the maths based on one year’s earnings/childcare but on the impact on your earnings over a lifetime. Depends whether your career is one where you could easily go straight back in at the same level after a gap, or not.

YABU. You need to look at your earning over the next 20 years, not just this year. Taking out 5 years puts you massively behind. And you won't have seniority to ask for more flexibility when you need it the most. School children need you more in various ways than toddlers.

Also, while going back to work is daunting right now, being a SAHM is not all that wonderful for most women, especially if you've had a career. And it will be really hard to get back into it if you quit.

I have heard this from my friends with primary school children.

My friends who have kept their careers are generally more senior in their roles than those who have stopped working for 4/5 years. In more cases than not, being more senior often means increased flexibility - you are more likely to be in control of your own diary etc. This will be worth a tremendous amount with primary school children vs those mums in entry level roles.

agree that it is important to claim child benefit (or whatever it's called now) to keep the NI up.

But for the second part: I would want a written guarantee from my partner (even if married, tbh) that the second part would be taken care of. Or i'd be back to work like a shot.

Sounds to me as though OPs job/career isn't compatible with her wants as a mother though. So if it is something you can pick up later (I suspect not) she may want to retrain, or set up a side hustle or something - just to relieve the relentlessness of being a SAHP.

And let's not forget that the DP now does a lot (compared to other fathers/partners) but after a year or two? how will that look? I'd want cast iron guarantees about that too.

I would want a written guarantee from my partner (even if married, tbh) that the second part would be taken care of.

This seems odd to me- surely you just set up the pension and the payment into it and that’s that?

If you thought there was a chance you would do that and your partner would cancel the payment/interfere/change it in some way why the fuck would you stay with them anyway?

We have one bank account- I can see my pension stuff on the bank statements and I can access my pension account obviously too so I know what is what with it.

You are choosing between a false dichotomy, it's not just between job where you are stressed and under appreciated and well being a SAHP is not necessarily always appreciated. You are also potentially vulnerable if you are not married.

Are you networking like fury? Looking out for what else you might do in related fields?

Considered taking a sabbatical ? Even just asking for a time out may focus minds in your organisation on the value you are bringing to the party.

Good luck. Your children might need you for five years. it's good for you to have outside interests. too.

There’s being negative and there’s saying “your SAHM life will be miserable and spent in draughty church halls 😂” calm down. We’ve worked our finances out .. I wouldn’t be on a pittance, we just don’t have a spare £15k knocking about for a nice wedding

Yeah, a lot of people think that being a sahm is shit because you don’t get to do anything, can’t afford anything, become a slave to the house work, have zero conversation except for talking about nappies etc etc, but it doesn’t have to be like that for everyone.

I get out more, have more meaningful conversations and fulfilling friendships and hobbies than a lot of the working people I know! I have the freedom to associate with who I like, go where I like when I like and don’t have to worry about my boss/colleagues or business responsibilities.

Exactly. I know it’s maternity leave so I’m currently funding myself which is slightly different, but I love it, I spend every day with my gorgeous children, I’m not a fan of staying indoors so we go out somewhere every day, I don’t feel like a slave to housework, it’s all manageable. I purposely mix with people who have more to talk about than just nappies. That part isn’t my concern, it’s whether or not to leave my career and be financially dependent on my partner.

I think what I’ve realised is that marriage / paperwork is key and we need to factor that in if I’m going to step out of work.

I wouldn’t be a sahm if I wasn’t married. In your situation I’d reduce my hours but I wouldn’t give up my career. Your children will grow and leave and your career will take a hit. Work part time and employ a cleaner so that time off is time off.

The fact is only you know your partner and the ins and outs of your relationship, and that is what will really influence your experience of being a SAHM.

Will your partner respect your contribution to the household? Will you have equal access to money? Will you be expected to answer for every expenditure? Will he contribute to household chores or expect you to do everything? Do you trust him to support you financially so you aren’t anxious all the time?

Its that kind of stuff that makes the biggest difference in my experience.

I’d say being married is always the most secure situation, but plenty of married women have been fucked over by their husbands or during their divorce- marriage isn’t a total panacea for all ills.

Your kids are very young, take the time off with them if you can, you don't get it back.

I had a good career but sadly couldn't pay for two in nursery so took 3 years off almost - so happy I did. Kids got older, I went back in to work all fine. We had a great time, I remember it fondly, I could be there for the sick days etc without stressing about child care and when baby didn't sleep I didn't have to drag myself out.

Working with children is hard, I've always found it difficult to balance only now they are old enough to walk home is it getting easier. The sickness, the school admin and events and the holidays are tough. If you can leave it a while I say go for it!

It's not so much about the money as the sense of self and identity other than "mum of" and "wife of". Do you have a hobby, preferably social that is important to you? Mine was really important to me, along with a very part time job to have something that wasn't just kids and was "mine".

I did SAHM with "plenty" of money for activities, I still got bored and felt like I was leaning too close to getting to be pushy tiger mum... getting a job has helped with balance there...

@ForPlumDreamer I was struck by this comment you made: We have a good balance at home, I pick up more of the housework when I’m on maternity leave but we hire a cleaner when I’m working.

So that sounds like the balance when you're not working (although I actually think mat leave IS working - that's why you get paid for it!), is that you do more and he does less. Presumably that is what you/he would expect if you were a SAHM too. In 5 years time, when your youngest is at school and you want to return to employment do you think your dp will be as willing to pick up all the duties that he's got out of? Read many of the posts on here which show that the 'busy, hard-working, promoted' dp/dh are pretty reluctant to pick up the domestic load equally.

It seems so simple pre-dc when it's obvious that 2 working partners take an equal share (however the tasks are split), irrespective of income. 2 mats leaves, plus potentially 5 years of SAHM will massively affect your salary - particularly if you then want something that works around school hours. Meantime he will have had, helped by your support, the opportunity to develop, move job, gain promotion, seniority, move up the pay grades etc. Suddenly it's less obvious that he needs to make an equal contribution on the domestic front. Maybe he's been required to put in more hours, maybe he's got used to not having to think about life admin, maybe he's being patted on the back by his colleagues/friends/family for how much he 'helps out' by being home in time to read a bedtime story or drop the dc a school a couple of mornings a week.

I know that's not your life now, and your dp does pull his weight, but 5 years of you doing the majority of the domestic load can result in a pretty big shift in attitude and expectation...

I know I'm stereotyping men in a poor light, but 60+ years of life experience... I know it can work better than that and many men are great. Only you know your dp and can guess how this might go.

I see other posters have advised you not to look at the 1 or 2 years cost / income balance but to take a 20 year view. I agree. I also suggest you take the same longterm view of your children's lives and needs. Of course our little babies are vulnerable and precious but in practical terms finding the right kind of care for them age 1-4 seemed to be like the easiest stage. For me, the worst phase in practical terms was the early primary years - so many holidays, sickness, snow days, school events and so few options for wrap around childcare. That was when my relationship with dh was tested to the limit as we got into competative battles about who's crucial meeting was more crucial.

In my own situation I developed into more senior roles which gave me more ability to be flexible during the later primary / early secondary years. It's a bit unfair that a manager has more pay and more flexibility than a front line worker!

Then came some difficult teenage years. No teenage child wants a 'child-minder'. They want to hang out in unsuitable places with their unsuitable friends. Add in some mental health concerns and it was emotionally the hardest phase. I was fortunately in a position (financially and experience wise) that I could become self-employed in my career area and provide the light-touch oversight or the intensive rescue that were required over that challenging period.

I admit I am biased in my opinion. My dm's mental health suffered when she was a SAHM and noticably improved when she returned to her nursing career (noticable even to an 8 year old child). I felt that I was a better mother to my children than I might otherwise have been because I felt stimulated and recognised in my career (and I had time to finish a cup of coffee while it was still hot!). Unfortunately my marriage eventually ended but I was moving on from that sad period with the means to buy a new (smaller) house, with a strong and stable career, and a pension.

Good luck with your decision.

You don't need £15 k to get married though. Any budget is possible, you just adapt around how much you are prepared to spend. I've been to some absolutely beautiful and simple weddings.

I would recommend finding a way to keep a few toes in the work place environment, even if its just on a very light consultancy basis

Link shows all the differences between having a marriage contract and just cohabiting.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Do you both have wills? There are huge tax advantages being married. Estates are passed from husband to wife and vice versa with NO inheirtance tax. It costs a few hundred pounds if that.

I honestly do think you have been very very naive. A 'partner' could be someone you have been with for years or someone you met last week....

I worked in a male dominated industry (have left after 35 years!). The number of men who would claim they had nothing much in comon with their wives was a larger % than you think. You want to ttalk about home oriented things and partner has project plans, presentations to think of. The divorce rate is 50%. The rate for unmarried partners is higher. MN is FULL of women calling their ex partners names and men have a knack of moving on very quickly and where will that leave you?

Sorry - I dont mean to be harsh but you need to get a grip here and sort yourself and your children out.

Agree with this.

You're much more likely to find a more flexible role while you're in a job than out.

You'll still your kids "gorgeous chubby cheeks" every day, you live with them.

You'd be better off, IMO working your four days and being open with your employers with your capacity. If you're regularly working over your paid for hours that is.