To work or not to work

[ForPlumDreamer]

I’m on maternity leave until November and having gone through finances with my partner, it’s irrelevant whether I go back to work or stay at home with the kids (3yo & 8mo) and I’m so torn about my decision and I really want to know if I will regret it either way?

Before kids, I was flying high in my career in construction. It’s very male dominated and especially in the site based role I had (have) and I found myself working twice as hard as my male counterparts to prove myself and to be listened to in meetings. Usually I would spend the first 6 months of any project earning my place. I loved it and relished the challenge but it’s hard graft, the work to earn my place felt worthy as I was paving the way for other women but it’s no picnic.

When I returned after my first maternity leave, it was so much harder. People found me even harder to relate to as a mum, I didn’t have the brain space for the additional work I have to do, and I felt like having a year off had been really detrimental to my progress. I considered quitting multiple times and ended up taking sick leave when I was pregnant the second time as the stress was overwhelming.

I know that whatever happens, I can’t stay with my current company as it’s just too old fashioned / unsupportive for me. But I also don’t feel that I could breezily walk into a job of equal standing at a new company that doesn’t know me (and after 2 years spent on maternity leave), because regardless of which company I work for, the industry is very tough and masculine.

I’d also want a flexible / part time position which my current company have granted me (4 days, paid for 4 days, but really I squeeze 5 days work into 4 and then spend my 1 weekday with kids cramming all our family admin in) but that’s not common in my role and I don’t expect I’d find it.

My partner knows all this and questions why I’d want to work at all if on the balance of income / childcare costs it’s not necessary for me to work and I had a hard time when I went back. But I suppose it’s not as simple as that.

I love my children and feel really fortunate to have the opportunity to spend time with them while they’re little, rather than pay someone else to be with them and see they’re gorgeous chubby cheeks every day. My partner works fully from home and between us we have a good balance and it means we can spend a lot of time together as a family.

My worry is that if I leave my company when my maternity ends, I’m essentially leaving my career, so when the kids start school I’ll have to start from scratch again.

It’s not just work, it’s leaving my degree, my career, my salary, my pension, my prospects, ability to bring in good money and everything I worked hard for before having kids.

To summarise, I love the opportunity I’ve been given to be a SAHM but I’m scared to say goodbye to my career, and I don’t know which decision I’d live to regret

If you don't work, you're in a very vulnerable financial position.

At least if you're married you have more security (but still can be left high and dry).

Why not married?

OP I have been reading through the posts and it all boils down to one thing.

Do what makes you (and therefore your children) happiest.

There may be many mums who are happy being stay at home parents. There are many mums (myself included!) who wouldn't be and who need more of a balance in order to be happy and therefore be the best parent they can for their children.

People will do different things. You do you.

Don't live a life in regret, live happy.

I would go back, but focus purely on doing the job you are paid to do, and right from the start make a clear point about only working on your non paid day if it's urgent.

Don't spend time trying to appear better than the men, I am sure you are naturally excellent, stop worrying about progression for now, for many of us male and female simply treading water when the DCs are young is a reasonable option.

Don't worry about what sets the best example for your DCs, you need to do what works best for you as a family.Talking of family if you give up work, get married.

I think it's a shame to let your career go.
To start with ask for a career break , lots of companies offer this now.

Oh and you say it's irrelevant financially if you go back to work or stay home with the DCs. From a pension provision it's actually really important to try to keep working, or if not your DH contributes to your pension.

If you're not married then that's a risk you need to consider.

But also, in your long thread you make no mention of the contribution your partner makes. Could they take parental leave so you could go back and see how it might work?

Also, if you're quite senior in your current organisation can't you try and change it to your benefit? Given you're a trailblazer it's likely you're the first experience of a mum in a senior role.

I didn't stop work why are you saying my gamble paid off? I worked damn hard on my return from mat leave.

Engaged and own our house 50/50 and have been together a long time and we are very committed.

Yeah I agree, I don’t necessarily want the same career, its the independence

Do not give up work if you aren't married.

Yes, you are engaged but there is no legal standing there. nip down the town hall and get married just the two of you if you want to give up work now.

If you are married, you still need to ensure you are paying into a pension in your own name/having your NI contributions paid by your husband while not working.

I would still avoid being entirely financially dependent on anyone - even if he isn't a bad man, he could get injured, sick, mad redundant etc. at the very least, he needs good life insurance but also sickness and critical illness cover as you are dependent on his wage.

It's a tough time but if you can keep in some work, part time if needs be, you will be so much safer and better off for the rest of your life.

Thank you! What actually changes when we get married? I couldn’t see much difference when I googled it but so many people are saying the same!

He’s a high earner so he fully supports us and is building up a pension pot to support both of us, I’m his sole beneficiary on his life insurance and I know it’s very comprehensive.

we just aren’t married yet because of the cost of the wedding

Thank you, yeah a large part of it is the culture and feeling like I don’t earn my place by just being good at my job. The hours are a lot, I wouldn’t work on my off day but I’d fill those 4 days with a stupid amount of work to make up for my day off .. and then there’s the commuting between too which means I don’t see the kids before I leave for work

You can get married at a registry office for next to nothing, if he's a high earner then there's no way you can't afford to get married.
I'd be very wary of a man with 2 small children who hasn't married his partner and also encouraging you to give up your financial independence and security. You need to decide what's more important - a flashy expensive wedding, or the actual commitment.

In short you'd be absolutely mad to give up your job in your position. Especially when you've negotiated 4 days a week. I do 4 days with young children (6 and 3) and believe the example I am setting them, especially my daughter is invaluable. Me and DH are equals, in every way. We have amazing long weekend every week, holidays, hobbies, family time is quality time.

He’s a high earner so he fully supports us and is building up a pension pot to support both of us you have no right to this if you split up. If you're married you can ask for it to be considered upon divorce

The other thing you could do is go back with the intention of giving it a trial run for 6 months.
That's what I did when I went back after mat leave and it helped to get my thoughts in order.

Also if you want something different it's easier to apply from an existing job.

A fair number of public sector orgs are looking for people who work in construction, and usually have very family t &C's. I did construction linked work in public sector and found it much better post kids. Pm me if you like

I certainly wouldn't drop out of the workplace entirely if you aren't married.

I'd be very wary of a man with 2 small children who hasn't married his partner and also encouraging you to give up your financial independence and security. You need to decide what's more important - a flashy expensive wedding, or the actual commitment.

Yes. It can't be money that's an issue, you could have a registry office one

Something I would add is that being a sahm parent doesn’t set a bad example provided you ensure your family recognise the value in running a home. Unpaid work is still so
important. Paid employment doesn’t make someone a superior person. Plus, it doesn’t have to solely be childcare and housework…when kids are otherwise occupied, you can engage in other activities eg I volunteer, exercise, see friends, help
my mother who is on her own etc.

Are you in the UK? Remember you are entitled to 18 weeks unpaid parental leave for each child, so you can juggle full time work and get a bit more leave. Also, your company may prefer for you to take that year now, together with your maternity leave rather than have you in & out (easier to keep on your backfill). Are you sure you won't want a 3rd child in time?

Perhaps they would consider a job share arrangement and bring another person in whom it would also suit to split the week etc. Think how you would really like to work and could manage child care, then suggest it & negotiate. Time flies by. Try to get the best of both worlds... It is hectic for a few years, but means you appreciate home life so much more and get to keep a work safety net.

we just aren’t married yet because of the cost of the wedding

You need to pay for a marriage, not a wedding.

No way would I be giving up my salary, career and pension when I wasn’t married-you will put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position.

We’ve got two small children and renovated our house so money has been needed elsewhere ! And getting married was never that important to either of us, but now I’m wondering if I’ve misunderstood the significance !

What changes when you get married is that were you to divorce, you will not leave the relationship with no assets I.e. assets in either or both your names will be split between you. Otherwise it is just what is in your own name plus half of the jointly owned assets.

Also unless you have wills you won't inherit assets in his sole name from him in his death and if you are well off inheritance tax could be a problem.

Regardless of this, go back and then see how you feel, you can easily stop if it is the wrong decision. Far harder the other way around.

Life can be long and if so, you will not regret saving for pensions and possibly having the option to retire earlier than when to get state pension. Your focus shifts when you get older. If you get to 60 and are not brilliantly well, you will want money to let you take the time off.

You will also not regret having a career long term.

Also kids get a broader experience if they are going to nursery and see their parents live a broad life with work and their own hobbies and interests.

Ultimately there is no right or wrong, you just have to do what feels right for you and your family.

The pension pot for both of you … is this in just his name ? Or do you have one that he pays into for you ? … as if it’s in his name (but ‘for both of you’) - then that it is his. Not yours. Not even half yours - as you aren’t married. If you are not married nothing is half yours if he’s says it is or you say it is. It’s only half yours and half his , if legally this is what is written. And all women (and men) need to be aware of this. Luckily the house is legally half yours. But you aren’t entitled to (neither would he be) to anything is in his name (or him, if it’s in yours).

Definitely don’t give up your job/career/pension unless you’re married. I’m not married but have always worked part time I have definitely missed out on promotion and pension potential but my partner pays for all household bills so I’ve been able to build up savings instead (I pay for kids stuff/holidays/car insurance etc). We are secure (been together 25 years) but I need to have my security just in case (and he benefits from the savings if we stay together forever).

but your work situation sounds crap tbh. I would consider looking for something else maybe retraining in another sector or consultancy as someone else has suggested.

I think if you don’t work at all it’s harder to go back as who will do pick up/drop offs/school meetings/house work/sick days etc if you both work dad has to pick up some of this and you’re used to using paid child care and flexibility with both of your roles within the home.

I'd suggest you look at the threads on here about SAHMs and then being left with nothing in a split because everything in his name stays his in the split.

Including the pension that he is building up, that you may be making sacrifices for.

I bet nearly every one of these SAHMs didn't see splits like coming. And some were together decades.

So if I were you I'd get married in the registry office. If you don't want to tell anyone then don't. You just need a couple of witnesses who won't spill the beans.

You then have the security you need. Half the house and his pension will then be yours if the worst happens in five years time or whatever.

With regard to working, you sound like a good conscientious hard working individual. Like me.

Unfortunate you will have the piss taken out of you. Doing five days work across four and being paid for four is not right. You need to stop doing more than the others. You need to stop when you've done four days work. End of.

Move company. Even work three days. Just keep your hand in. Do no more than the men. You don't need to prove anything now. Youve done that.

With regard to money. I always feel that the man works say 40 hours a week and you'll work say 30 hours a week...and on top you'll do a further five hours admin, and ten hours childcare related work. So you're doing 30+5+10= 45 hours. Yet men seem to not realise that and don't step up. Some don't even put in the five hours with the kids you do and expect you to still be doing dishes and stuff while they relax in front of the tv or gaming.

If I were in your shoes I'd do admin on the Friday with a view to me and him halving the spending money as we are both doing equal everything. He doesn't get to keep more as he's the high earner. You stop when you've done the sane hours as him. That's fair. You split everything. That's fair. And that's why you need marriage.