I’m on maternity leave until November and having gone through finances with my partner, it’s irrelevant whether I go back to work or stay at home with the kids (3yo & 8mo) and I’m so torn about my decision and I really want to know if I will regret it either way?
Before kids, I was flying high in my career in construction. It’s very male dominated and especially in the site based role I had (have) and I found myself working twice as hard as my male counterparts to prove myself and to be listened to in meetings. Usually I would spend the first 6 months of any project earning my place. I loved it and relished the challenge but it’s hard graft, the work to earn my place felt worthy as I was paving the way for other women but it’s no picnic.
When I returned after my first maternity leave, it was so much harder. People found me even harder to relate to as a mum, I didn’t have the brain space for the additional work I have to do, and I felt like having a year off had been really detrimental to my progress. I considered quitting multiple times and ended up taking sick leave when I was pregnant the second time as the stress was overwhelming.
I know that whatever happens, I can’t stay with my current company as it’s just too old fashioned / unsupportive for me. But I also don’t feel that I could breezily walk into a job of equal standing at a new company that doesn’t know me (and after 2 years spent on maternity leave), because regardless of which company I work for, the industry is very tough and masculine.
I’d also want a flexible / part time position which my current company have granted me (4 days, paid for 4 days, but really I squeeze 5 days work into 4 and then spend my 1 weekday with kids cramming all our family admin in) but that’s not common in my role and I don’t expect I’d find it.
My partner knows all this and questions why I’d want to work at all if on the balance of income / childcare costs it’s not necessary for me to work and I had a hard time when I went back. But I suppose it’s not as simple as that.
I love my children and feel really fortunate to have the opportunity to spend time with them while they’re little, rather than pay someone else to be with them and see they’re gorgeous chubby cheeks every day. My partner works fully from home and between us we have a good balance and it means we can spend a lot of time together as a family.
My worry is that if I leave my company when my maternity ends, I’m essentially leaving my career, so when the kids start school I’ll have to start from scratch again.
It’s not just work, it’s leaving my degree, my career, my salary, my pension, my prospects, ability to bring in good money and everything I worked hard for before having kids.
To summarise, I love the opportunity I’ve been given to be a SAHM but I’m scared to say goodbye to my career, and I don’t know which decision I’d live to regret