To work or not to work

[ForPlumDreamer]

I’m on maternity leave until November and having gone through finances with my partner, it’s irrelevant whether I go back to work or stay at home with the kids (3yo & 8mo) and I’m so torn about my decision and I really want to know if I will regret it either way?

Before kids, I was flying high in my career in construction. It’s very male dominated and especially in the site based role I had (have) and I found myself working twice as hard as my male counterparts to prove myself and to be listened to in meetings. Usually I would spend the first 6 months of any project earning my place. I loved it and relished the challenge but it’s hard graft, the work to earn my place felt worthy as I was paving the way for other women but it’s no picnic.

When I returned after my first maternity leave, it was so much harder. People found me even harder to relate to as a mum, I didn’t have the brain space for the additional work I have to do, and I felt like having a year off had been really detrimental to my progress. I considered quitting multiple times and ended up taking sick leave when I was pregnant the second time as the stress was overwhelming.

I know that whatever happens, I can’t stay with my current company as it’s just too old fashioned / unsupportive for me. But I also don’t feel that I could breezily walk into a job of equal standing at a new company that doesn’t know me (and after 2 years spent on maternity leave), because regardless of which company I work for, the industry is very tough and masculine.

I’d also want a flexible / part time position which my current company have granted me (4 days, paid for 4 days, but really I squeeze 5 days work into 4 and then spend my 1 weekday with kids cramming all our family admin in) but that’s not common in my role and I don’t expect I’d find it.

My partner knows all this and questions why I’d want to work at all if on the balance of income / childcare costs it’s not necessary for me to work and I had a hard time when I went back. But I suppose it’s not as simple as that.

I love my children and feel really fortunate to have the opportunity to spend time with them while they’re little, rather than pay someone else to be with them and see they’re gorgeous chubby cheeks every day. My partner works fully from home and between us we have a good balance and it means we can spend a lot of time together as a family.

My worry is that if I leave my company when my maternity ends, I’m essentially leaving my career, so when the kids start school I’ll have to start from scratch again.

It’s not just work, it’s leaving my degree, my career, my salary, my pension, my prospects, ability to bring in good money and everything I worked hard for before having kids.

To summarise, I love the opportunity I’ve been given to be a SAHM but I’m scared to say goodbye to my career, and I don’t know which decision I’d live to regret

Or die

Play the long game, OP. Yes it may not be worth it now with childcare costs, but what about in 3/4 years time when your youngest is at school? Presumably you'd also get pay rises over the next few years too.

Don't quit would be my advice.

Agree with others that if you aren't married you're even more vulnerable if you give up your career. Perhaps go back for a bit and then make a decision? I did with my career. Ultimately I left after a few months, became a SAHM for a year then got a part time role in a related industry. I was married though, my husband's wage went straight into the joint account and we had no debt or mortgage at the time. Xx

Being a SAHM is not a decision I regret. Lots of women do, but lots of women don’t and only you know yourself what you’d rather risk/sacrifice. For me, my career will absolutely involve less money and less status than it would if I’d not become a SAHM. I really don’t care. Seeing my DC grow and flourish every day, being able to dedicate that time to them without the stress of work is an absolute privilege. I will never regret a single second of being with them when they are so tiny. It’s the best role I’ll ever have. I am able to run the household and be the patient, organised, present and calm parent I want to be. On my deathbed I won’t wish away a moment of being with my DC. We have far less money, but time is time and it goes incredibly fast.

as you’re unmarried no, I definitely wouldn’t put myself in the position of not working. Later down the line if you split up your partner would have a nice fat pension and you wouldn’t. This might not feel important right now but trust me those years fly by. I went part time for a number of years, 4 days a week then 3 for a few years for health reasons. I felt that was a good balance. Yes it’s affected my pension and progression, now I’m back full time I’ve had a promotion and I can push ahead in my career now as youngest child is 16. Just don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position

Definitely go back to work unless you get married and your husband is high earning enough (and willing) to pay into a good pension for you. Anything less than this will leave you extremely financially vulnerable. And even with those things in place, there's always the risk of divorce, death, disability, redundancy etc. The ideal would be to go part time but I appreciate you said this was hard in your industry.

I'm in the minority here but being a SAHM until the children started school was the best decision for us. You don't get that time back. We'd wake up in the mornings and plan our day's adventures, never any rushing to places for drop off or guilt for having to leave them. We live by lots of beaches, woods etc so it was all quite idyllic, I imagine if you're in the middle of a city it would be different.

Anyway Mumsnet ALWAYS tells people the worst idea in the world is to stay home and bring your children up for a few years. You do what you feel is best for your family. I stayed home for 7 years in total and we are absolutely fine financially and I'm back in work, with a head full of wonderful memories with my children.

I work in construction and not all companies are like that. I got promoted very shortly when I got back from maternity leave. Work have let me work flexibly so I often have Fridays off with my child and catch up with the work during the week. It doesn’t have to be like this, find a better company!!

If finances are t an issue perhaps work 2-3 days for a year or two?

I would have said go back to work, but you say you struggled when you went back last time and had to be signed off sick. I know how hard it is being female working for a construction company, I’ve worked on a site as a secretary and there was only one other female Surveyor and she worked way harder than all the men. This was some time ago and hopefully things are better now.

Of course go back to work.

It worked for you but that's 7 years of earning you won't get back and if your partner had lost their job or died you'd have been in a tough place job wise as well as emotionally

Stay in this role, and start job hunting. It's always easier to get better pay and conditions as a new hire than as an existing employee. You sound like an amazing asset to any organisation, and I'd bet £££ you're actually underpaid in your current role. Take your expertise and get a more senior role with more flexibility!

I work in construction and had a break when my kids were young. I was also site based until that point. I struggled to get back but managed to find a similar role via a returner programme. Companies are getting much better at offering flexible work, I work for a large contractor, and they are beginning to offer technical roles on a part time basis now. So I would say definitely look at other companies to see what they are offering.
I did part time until after the children had started high school.
If you are being a SAHM for a bit, still continue building your network, and use the time to plan your next steps. It will be more difficult but not impossible. If you decide to return, then maybe if you can take on a different role where you could reduce hours. Just think of the roles that work across different projects in your company, that is basically doing part time per project. Any change to move into planning, design management, pre con management etc.?

Go back to work and start looking for opportunities. It's much easier to find the job you want (new company, flexible etc) if you've got a job while you're job hunting.

And if you do decide not to work, you must get married first so that you are protected if you split up.

I've been a SAHM for almost 5 years and had 2 kids in this time. I had mine close together and 2nd baby had some serious health problems. I also couldn't return to my old job due to the long unsociable hours.
It's been amazing spending this time with the kids while they're so little, however I'm now in a position where I'm basically unemployable.
My previous role was a well paying recruitment role and now I can't even get an interview for a minimum wage weekend retail job.
I suppose you need to go into being a SAHM knowing that it's career suicide and will be VERY difficult to get back into work.

I also think go back. You've been given the opportunity of part time working in the career you want.

Your DP can help with family admin, domestic chores etc. You will need to balance caring if the kids are sick etc. You're a team that's not your job alone.

Ground rules to make this work are needed.

One thing to consider is that in some ways it’s easier to cover childcare in the pre-school years when there are nurseries that are open 8-6 all year round, compared to the school years where school
is 9-3 with the school holidays to cover. Even in a school with wraparound care and holiday clubs, it can be tricky.

I went back to work part-time (four days), but was then able to change my hours to work four days over five so I can do school pick-up most of the week. This is the kind of flexibility that you might struggle to get after a few years out of the workplace.

I did similar, from a male dominated industry. Not exactly the same scenario, but put my career on pause for a period of time for family reasons.

It was very well paid and a career I'd built for years. But it was impossible to get back into it. I've now had to retrain and entered a much less respected and less paid career.

Think carefully how you see your career panning out in 5 or 10 years time.

I was going to say simular, I'm an architect but obviously have dealt witb sites quite often. Assuming you might be a site office based surveyor or technical manager or project manager as a guess, site isn't the only option for your skills. And even if you choose that I've certainly worked with a number of contractors who would 100% treat you as an equal.

Your question of back to work or not is 100% personal but if you are dealing with anything involving legislation be careful leaving it too long as it changes rapidly at times, this time bring one of them.

@TooLateForRoses

Your gamble paid off, but mumsnet is full of women who stopped work and then their partners left.

It’s not just work, it’s leaving my degree, my career, my salary, my pension, my prospects, ability to bring in good money and everything I worked hard for before having kids.

Go back to work for all these reasons. And also for your self-respect. If you've been used to that sort of career, would you really be satisfied doing nothing but housework and childcare, especially when they'e old enough for nursery and school?

Marriage offers very little protection if husband fucks off as spousal support is not a thing,

Yes you get a share of house but you should be 50/50 on the deeds anyway!

We have to stop implying marriage is protecting women if they stop work

It really really is not

Go back and see if it works for you first. You could always quit after a short while. Knowing you gave it a go. I’d be looking for something new at the same time.

I’d go back, personally I believe parents who work set a better example than those who don’t

Nonsense (and misogynist but @Simonjt is a bloke and most SAHP are women). SAHP and WOHP can be good role models for their children.

I'd find another job, OP, as your present company sounds toxic.