To work or not to work

[ForPlumDreamer]

I’m on maternity leave until November and having gone through finances with my partner, it’s irrelevant whether I go back to work or stay at home with the kids (3yo & 8mo) and I’m so torn about my decision and I really want to know if I will regret it either way?

Before kids, I was flying high in my career in construction. It’s very male dominated and especially in the site based role I had (have) and I found myself working twice as hard as my male counterparts to prove myself and to be listened to in meetings. Usually I would spend the first 6 months of any project earning my place. I loved it and relished the challenge but it’s hard graft, the work to earn my place felt worthy as I was paving the way for other women but it’s no picnic.

When I returned after my first maternity leave, it was so much harder. People found me even harder to relate to as a mum, I didn’t have the brain space for the additional work I have to do, and I felt like having a year off had been really detrimental to my progress. I considered quitting multiple times and ended up taking sick leave when I was pregnant the second time as the stress was overwhelming.

I know that whatever happens, I can’t stay with my current company as it’s just too old fashioned / unsupportive for me. But I also don’t feel that I could breezily walk into a job of equal standing at a new company that doesn’t know me (and after 2 years spent on maternity leave), because regardless of which company I work for, the industry is very tough and masculine.

I’d also want a flexible / part time position which my current company have granted me (4 days, paid for 4 days, but really I squeeze 5 days work into 4 and then spend my 1 weekday with kids cramming all our family admin in) but that’s not common in my role and I don’t expect I’d find it.

My partner knows all this and questions why I’d want to work at all if on the balance of income / childcare costs it’s not necessary for me to work and I had a hard time when I went back. But I suppose it’s not as simple as that.

I love my children and feel really fortunate to have the opportunity to spend time with them while they’re little, rather than pay someone else to be with them and see they’re gorgeous chubby cheeks every day. My partner works fully from home and between us we have a good balance and it means we can spend a lot of time together as a family.

My worry is that if I leave my company when my maternity ends, I’m essentially leaving my career, so when the kids start school I’ll have to start from scratch again.

It’s not just work, it’s leaving my degree, my career, my salary, my pension, my prospects, ability to bring in good money and everything I worked hard for before having kids.

To summarise, I love the opportunity I’ve been given to be a SAHM but I’m scared to say goodbye to my career, and I don’t know which decision I’d live to regret

Because full time nursery (£75/day base rate) for 2 children without any government benefits makes it cost neutral.

But it's not cost neutral is it? The cost to your pension, career progression and earning power is huge. Nursery is such a short time.

If th works from home then that allows you more freedom to go out to work. He should be putting washloads on, getting the kids dressed for nursery etc. Stick with the job OP

Two points OP:

Do not conflate getting married with having a big wedding. You can get married for less than £100 at a local registry office within a month without any issues. You are in an incredibly vulnerable position having two young children with a man and not being married, and that will be compounded if you do decide to quit work. Wills can be changed at any time. Beneficiaries on policies can be changed at any time. Beneficiaries on pensions can be changed at any time. Your partner could do all of that without you even being aware until it's too late. Get married.

Secondly, you say that you working would be "cost neutral" due to childcare costs. It absolutely would not be. When working, you are contributing to a workplace pension, to your NI, continuously developing your skills etc etc. Do not undervalue the importance of that.

And I have never understood this "cost neutral" argument in the context of childcare. Firstly-it's a joint expense, not just your expense. So why do you perceive it to just be coming out of your wage? Secondly, most people work in a "cost neutral" fashion-most of us work to pay the bills without much left at the end of the month. Does that mean it's not worth working for any of us?

I'm 17 years into being a SAHM and don't regret it either. My eldest has really needed me around, needs help emotionally. I am always the constant in their lives. Always here to talk to any time of the day or night.

I was never high up on the career ladder to start with professionally so lost very little in terms of status.

Enjoy being a SAHM, I agree it really is a privilege.

I would say return to work. I returned full time (with a long commute) after each baby, and while it was the hardest work I've ever done (total exhaustion, including a short period of sick leave a few years in), I am so pleased I did it.

My career suffered from having babies. Time off for sickness, time off for nativity plays, exhausted decision making, disheveled appearance on occasion, all lowered other people's opinion of me. I went from stellar to average very very quickly.

10 years on from that, I am slowly restoring people's opinions and climbing again. I am also looking separation from my DH in the eye right now, and I am so so so glad I have a full time well paid career to lean on.

The stuff about worrying about your husband leaving is you projecting. Nowhere did I suggest that was a reason to stay in the workforce. There is, however, no good reason to become economically inactive unless you are prevented from working by disability, yours or a dependent’s.

It's cost neutral for a few years. In the long term, your loss of earnings is huge. Childcare costs are high but finite.

So much good advice on this thread and loads of things I hadn’t considered. I think I’ve been a little naive about it all and going into it unprotected and I need to really reflect on it all and protect myself.

Sorry - lots of other people have said that (rather than it being my projection.)
There are solid valid reasons to be economically inactive. Being at home full time is a valid life choice.
A person’s value should not be determined by how much money they make. It should be based on how we treat others.
I don’t understand why someone should do paid work if they don’t want to, they don’t need to and their partner is satisfied with the situation.
If I did paid work, it could cause more stress to me and my partner. Extra money is always nice, but in our situation, not worth the sacrifice.

It's possible to find a flexible job that gives you the best or both worlds. Mine did 3 short days a week at nursery - pretty similar to what most of my sahm friends put their children in nursery for anyway - so they could go to the gym/get their hair done /sort the house

Once at school I have always worked school hours and then caught up on my work when they are in bed. I do all the school runs and buy extra leave for the holidays so they just do a week or two each year n a club of their choice - as do most of their friends with SAHM.

I pay a cleaner to do the house work so I don't have to do that when I am with them and DH shares the cooking.

With a bit of thought you can be around for your children as much as a sahm and still keep earning

My grandma always used to point out that although she was a sahm between sorting laundry, the house, cooking and shopping (all more time consuming in the past) she spent far less time playing with her children than I do

I would have given anything to be able to afford to have been a SAHP. Children are precious and every minute with them is a gift. I work part time which is a fairly good balance but I’m still time poor and struggle with the mental load of doing everything. I know I’d be happier if I didn’t work and could just concentrate on home life. You’ll be able to get another job in construction after a career break when you’re ready. But everyone’s different, do what makes you happy.

A) I’m a dyke

B) my wife does all the shopping, cooking, dishwasher, clothes washing and putting away, driving if we go out as a family, financial stuff (we have one shared account- I have full access to it but she does all the admin with regards to DDs etc), all bedtimes unless she is out (which isn’t massively often).

Not everyone’s life looks like yours.

DW is an absolute legend, you could not meet a more hardworking and dedicated person.

I stayed at home with my daughter until she was eight and have never regretted it for a second. I gave up a reasonably well paid career but I never considered going back to work when she was young. We put off having children until I was in my mid 30s, (I was considered an older mother in those days) when we could just scrape by on one income. It was really difficult and we went without holidays, meals out, new furniture, new cars etc for several years, but it was worth it. I realise it's not an option for many women, but If you are able to be at home with your children, at least until they start school, I don't think you can possibly give them a better start in life. It was by far the most fulfilling time of my life and I never missed going to work during that time.

I work in construction too OP so get what you're saying about your company's culture. Honestly though, not all employers are like that. Brush up your CV and register with a couple of recruitment consultants who work for the industry. You may be pleasantly surprised. Also, it might be worth checking this organisation out - https://women-into-construction.org/

I got married in a registry office almost 18 years ago. It was quick, cheap and over with in 15 minutes. I am sure your high earning husband can afford it OP!!

Thank you! I definitely have the fear that the amount of time I’ve spent out of practise makes me feel out of touch and like I don’t deserve my place anymore. Maybe it’s just that I need support to get back into it

Definitely go back to work. It's a very short time before children start school, so well worth paying for quality childcare/nursery which will only be for a few years. Once they're at school, you won't have those costs and you'll be back to actually being able to spend your wages on other things.

Coming out of the workplace is always going to stall your career, even if just for a few years. You'll almost certainly end up starting a lower level and having to work your way up again. Whilst out of the workplace, you will have missed industry developments and will have to catch up on changes in legislation, different suppliers, different products, different software etc. Things change very quickly in most professions!

Even if your wages disappear in childcare costs, you are still building up your pension entitlement, you're still building up redundancy rights, etc.

I do think you need to look at the bigger picture. Especially, as others have mentioned, if you're not married, you could put yourself in a very vulnerable position by giving up work or taking a few steps backwards on the career ladder.

This. I've been in construction for over 25 years and my experience has been the complete opposite to the OP's.

I suggest she try and work for one of the bigger companies like Skanka, Galliford Try, McAlpines etc as they are very women and work/life balance friendly.

Absolutely! There is nothing wrong with asking for support either (another macho view is sprouted in the construction industry - asking for help is weakness etc). This is all about self-belief. Start today by saying out loud that you are valuable - it'll sink in eventually, promise ;)

It takes a real trailblazer to do what you do.

have not RTFT.
Make sure your pension contributions are kept up, and more, and that you have coverage for any health issues that may crop up.

make sure you have things to do that keep you interested that are not to do with family. Keep your hand in at your job by staying in touch with people and business developments.

I would find it utterly tedious, you may enjoy it. But always keep a door open to go back if you want.

I refused to go back 4 days because I think it’s the worst of both worlds. Could you go back 3 days then it’s more obvious to employer that you’re not to be expected to do full time workload. It’s such a short period of time in the grand scheme of your career as a whole (3 years out of 40+) most employers will agree to some flexibility to keep good staff if you can sell it to them as a way of keeping a good employee happy and healthy. I wouldn’t take yourself out of the workforce fully for your pension and other reasons mentioned in other posts.

but be clear about household tasks with your partner and prepare them that they will now need to pick up more of the mental load.

Yes, this. And also think about whether you will have enough NI contribution to get the full state pension if you choose to give up work.

I left my job after returning for a few months after my maternity leave. It was definitely the right decision for me and our family. It was very stressful to make that decision and resign but I am so glad I did. I was comfortable making that decision as I had money aside and my DH and I planned how we can afford this in practical sense. Even if my DH decided to walk out of us I would be fine and would make it work for DD and myself. But I definitely wouldn't have become SAHM if we were not married.

I tried a 3 day week when I went back after my first maternity leave and it was near impossible. The role I do, rightly or wrongly, is a lot of solo working so when you’re not there the workload just builds up. I was so behind that every minute of my day was accounted for. When I asked for help it was outsourced and caused me massive problems later in the scheme.

My partner already takes a lot of the mental and physical load so that’s not really the concern, it’s more that working full time brings a lot of stress, and it means less time with the kids and doesn’t bring any additional money in.

I enjoyed the challenge of the job pre kids, but regardless of how much me and my partner share the parental responsibility I’m still a mum now and my priorities have changed, I don’t have the energy to put into trailblazing that I had before

I have considered if changing roles would be a good idea but if I don’t maintain my salary then we’d be losing money for me to return to work.

lots to thing to question.